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#1840860 - 09/20/09 02:20 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
THanks, BJ. It's been a downer. But head is still above water. Thanks for the post - really helped!
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1841275 - 09/21/09 09:33 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: Butterfly1]
iwantittowork Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 827
Loc: Massachusetts
Hey BJ, question for you that I am struggling with big time.

I am getting so resentful and hurt thinking about how much money I will have to hand over to my W every week, so she can be the single women she want so be.

You are further into this than I am, have you felt the same issues? How are you coping with those? Has the financial picture become clearer as you move along to both the W and you?

It is going to be such a financial burden on me, and she is going to be handed more money from me every week than she has ever even made at a job by herself, that it can't look as anything but a blessing to her.

I keep coming back to this, and struggling mightily.
_________________________
M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."

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#1841960 - 09/22/09 02:31 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: iwantittowork]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
Hey BJ, question for you that I am struggling with big time.

I am getting so resentful and hurt thinking about how much money I will have to hand over to my W every week, so she can be the single women she want so be.

You are further into this than I am, have you felt the same issues? How are you coping with those? Has the financial picture become clearer as you move along to both the W and you?

It is going to be such a financial burden on me, and she is going to be handed more money from me every week than she has ever even made at a job by herself, that it can't look as anything but a blessing to her.

I keep coming back to this, and struggling mightily.



IWITW,

Actually I'm focused on our kids right now and getting equitable custody- hopefully 50/50. I'm a survivor of D myself so I know what these kids are going to go through and I'm pretty upset about it. I'm thinking at this point that all three kids are going to need some form of counseling plus I've got daycare issues for D3 to deal with, etc. Plus I'm going to try to keep the family home which means refinancing to buy my W out- another headache to deal with. So yes, I've crunched some numbers and preliminarily things don't look real good. I guess you could say that I'm coping right now by taking things one at a time.

Regarding my W and alimony, I'm not 100% sure I'll get hurt real bad here. I actually took a cut in pay and turned my back on advancement opportunities so I could work from home and be here for my family. And because my W is a nurse, she makes good money. So the impact may not be as great as it sounds like in your sitch. Still, I expect to be living within thin financial margins once D'd so every little bit of $ is going to count.

I sympathize with your feelings about your W and her behavior. My W is starting to have to realize the awful truths about D and just really does not want to face them. Right now she is trying to delegate her impending financial problems to me (in terms of her moving out) i.e. "refinance the house now and give me my money" instead of aggressively looking for work. And alternating between walking around like a movie star and moping around saying things like "D really sucks", blah, blah. blah. Blaming me for everything. All the while OM is in the background coaching her and helping my W keep the momentum towards D- getting his jollies - maybe his idea of "happiness"- or both- at the expense of my family. Of course, what I'm really waiting for from my W is the realization that she has (or had) it damn good with me. But at the rate she is going, it looks like it will be some time- AFTER the D- when that light bulb goes off.

I have to tell you, considering the hell and damage my W is going to inflict on this family once this D is over and done with is really helping me to look at her in a very critical light. Her selfishness, complete lack of forgiveness, no personal accountability and overall abandonment of values and decency are getting extremely old. And that is on top of the abuse that she has heaped on me which I am completely done with. So I cope with this aspect of my sitch by realizing that there are a lot of good women out there who would be grateful to be with me. Hopefully you can process your sitch in much the same way.

Hang in there IWITW. I'm pretty confident that our W's behaviors are going to come back to bite them in their respective a$$e$ big time down the road. Conversely, you and I will have some short term pain to deal with for sure but in the long term, we will be the ones who come out on top.

Just remember, this too shall pass.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1842182 - 09/22/09 11:11 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
WalkingMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 223
I think that a side-effect of getting a life for an LBS, is seeing things a bit clearer. You get a more mature, less partial view of your marriage and see things more how they really were. You see yourself as becomming healthy and independent and thus, impowered. I know in my sitch I felt like I took power back from my XW and she did not like it at all. I remember my XW saying it was not fair how fast I was turning my life around while she was still struggling.

This is a sort of cross-roads where the LBS can actually become a WAS. You no longer need the WAW, but possibly want them or at least the wife they once were. That person is gone and as the LBS, we must decide is the new person your wife is can be the kind of person we wish to be with. For the most part, when a man marries a woman, we wish for them to remain the person we married forever. But this is just not realistic. A marriage must change as the spouses grow and change.

I found through my struggle with the XW, when I stopped reacting to her WAW behavior, the process of me taking power over me back
began.
_________________________
Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08

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#1842466 - 09/22/09 02:39 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: WalkingMan]
iwantittowork Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 827
Loc: Massachusetts
SF and BJ, thanks, those are good thoughts, and insights, given the sitch's, looks like you guys are holding up very well!

I want to try and get to where SG is, and take my power back for me, that seems hard for me to do when I look at the financial picture, so looking for ways to stop thinking 'about the money'

BJ, keep it up man, your doing well, I can see in your posts the strength your carrying yourself with, and it's inspirational..
_________________________
M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."

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#1843004 - 09/23/09 01:36 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: iwantittowork]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
SG/IWITW,

Thanks for the insight and feedback. We are all here to support one another. I often think to myself that something good must eventually come from all of this grief my family and I are going through. If there is anyone out there that can benefit from what I am going through and how I'm handling it, I think that is great!

Well, my W and I went to mediation today to determine child custody. Won't go into all of the details except to say that the end result was positive- my W, the mediator and I agreed on a schedule for equal joint physical custody (aka 50/50). From the perspective of a survivor of D myself, I felt that this was the best arrangement for our kids and I'm grateful that the mediator came to the same conclusion. My W on the other hand was very upset. After the mediation she would not talk to me and drove off angry (we took separate cars to the mediation). As I felt my W needed space, I chose to run several errands this afternoon before going home. In the midst of running my errands, I received several angry, emotional, somewhat off the wall TMs from my W. As I was headed home, my W TM me saying she was going to hang out at my BIL house (here in town) by herself. When I got home, all three kids were here; my W was not. I've exchanged a few TMs from my W this evening- she is still very angry/emotional. No response from her yet as to when she is coming home tonight- I won't send a second TM asking again. I served dinner, everyone got their homework done, the kids are in bed- everything is under control here- so I'll let her blow off steam and come home when she is ready.

I feel bad that my W is having a rough time of it following mediation today, however my W's issues are hers to deal with and hers alone. She is the only one who can ultimately solve them. I wish her the best and will not do anything to undermine her efforts in that regard. My focus remains the welfare of myself and our three kids. As my W and I move through the D process, the door remains open a crack for R, but she has to be the one to be willing to initiate the first move.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1843097 - 09/23/09 08:47 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
I would say the anger and emotion are exemplatory of a temper tantrum since that is a round where W's "master plan" has been foiled.

Just my $.02
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1843519 - 09/23/09 03:31 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: dday101798]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
All completely understandable reactions on her part if she's not getting what she wants out of mediation/D. Also, the pent up feelings about the entire MR/D are going to come exploding out as well. My advice is stick to your business and your plans, and give her lots of space to go through her feelings. She'll come around, but you are right - she needs to work through her own grief and pain in her own time and it's not yours to "fix" or make better or soothe - although I'm sure you wish you could at times. Anyone who has been married wants to help their spouse see the other side of pain, but the process of detachment is to not take away or process their feelings for them, however much empathy we might have. It is part of both people's grieving process. It hurts, and we don't know what to do to help the other person, so doing nothing is the best plan. Like Stronger always says "Sit still and Shut your mouth!"
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1843839 - 09/24/09 02:07 AM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: Butterfly1]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
All completely understandable reactions on her part if she's not getting what she wants out of mediation/D. Also, the pent up feelings about the entire MR/D are going to come exploding out as well. My advice is stick to your business and your plans, and give her lots of space to go through her feelings.


What was bizarre was she came at me last night accusing me of "trying to screw her out of everything"- this after she kept playing hardball with me before mediation with this 70/30 "custody plan" of hers. Who exactly is trying to "screw" whom here? Then she went off and accused me of being a narcissist and questioning my manhood! Good grief! How quickly she forgets who is having the A here! So yes, the game plan is to stick to my business and let her go through her feelings.

Quote:
Anyone who has been married wants to help their spouse see the other side of pain, but the process of detachment is to not take away or process their feelings for them, however much empathy we might have. It is part of both people's grieving process. It hurts, and we don't know what to do to help the other person, so doing nothing is the best plan.

Like Stronger always says "Sit still and Shut your mouth!"


Well said. And good advice! Thanks Hope.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

Top
#1844107 - 09/24/09 12:04 PM Re: Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2! [Re: BigJohn]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: BigJohn


What was bizarre was she came at me last night accusing me of "trying to screw her out of everything"- this after she kept playing hardball with me before mediation with this 70/30 "custody plan" of hers. Who exactly is trying to "screw" whom here? Then she went off and accused me of being a narcissist and questioning my manhood! Good grief! How quickly she forgets who is having the A here! So yes, the game plan is to stick to my business and let her go through her feelings.



May be a good time to just walk away? You know I'm married to the man with the foulest temper and mouth to match - and what I'm learning is that even THEY don't know what they are saying when they are exploding with anger. Of course it wont be rational. It's all anger driven.

You're doing well staying centered, Zen Master! Way to be like water.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

Top
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