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#1833996 - 09/08/09 10:03 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
Esox Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 131
I agree with you giving.

I too think that Bill is handling things fine. Especially him not leaving his home. Why should he? He isn't having an affair, she is. If she is unhappy she should leave.

Frankly, I don't think I would do nearly as good a job. I would be angry and yell and do all the things that your not supposed to do.

_________________________
I'm a man . . .
But I can change . . .
If I have to . . .
I guess . . .

The Man's Prayer - Red Green

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#1833999 - 09/08/09 10:08 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: karen43]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
You could do it, but I just don't think it would do any good. The OP that gets involved with a married person with kids don't put much respect on morals or values or marriage. If he had a W, then maybe that would do something, the fear of getting caught, but you said he isn't.


Only benefit I see is IF Bill's W did not tell OM she was M'd (sorry if I missed that part) and the OM happens to have any moral fiber. But, if OM knew this, and was interested in becoming involved, he has no respect for a family anyway. Even then, maybe this guy's a coward and may run once confronted.

In any case, it is not worth devoting a lot of energy to. Face it, and move forward.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1834002 - 09/08/09 10:10 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Esox]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
I too think that Bill is handling things fine. Especially him not leaving his home. Why should he? He isn't having an affair, she is. If she is unhappy she should leave.


You know, this is one of the few things upon which I have seen virtually everyone agree. DO NOT MOVE OUT.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1834045 - 09/08/09 11:08 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Thanks everyone -

To be clear, the purpose of doing this would be for me. We've talked about confidence and self-esteem. This would be taking a stand. W told me this is unneccessary - but I've been playing this her way for all this time.

On the other hand, it's also stirring the pot. It's driving emotions higher. It's calling more attention to it.

Yeah, this guy knows my W is married - he came to our 10-year anniversery party. I shook his hand and talked to him. This is the first W had seen him too since high school, although they had been talking on FB. Shortly after she went down to the bay area to see her friends, and when she came back (you guys remember how she was all angry when she returned), she asked for D the next day.

So, about the conversation -

Yeah, the whole way this things transpired was, we had the initial conversation, I went off into the other room. She called into me, do you want to talk about this? So I went in and that's when she went through all these scenarios.

She started talking about me moving out, I just said "This is not about me moving out." She asked how the kids are going to get to school, I said, they can take the bus. She said, But the bus comes at 7:20 or something like that, I said no, it comes at 8:17, I checked the schedule. She looked at me and said, you've been a busy beaver, haven't you?

Then at some point she said, "I'm not willing to do anything right now," so I said, make up your mind quickly and walked off - she said, you can move out any time you want. At some point I came back and gave her the rental application.

I went back into my room, then she came in and agreed.

Yeah, she did say, there's no way you can enforce this - then she said, I'm going to have to give you my word. This, my continined friendship and respect for her, seems to mean a lot to her. But it leaves a lot of space open.

She also said that, she went for divorce so quickly when she realized she was attracted to this man, because that signaled to her something wrong or some such - somebody paying attention to her while I was working, being distant etc.

After all this, she wanted to talk about the book she's been reading, etc. Chatting.

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#1834048 - 09/08/09 11:11 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Thanks everyone for the support and encouragement.

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#1834075 - 09/08/09 11:39 AM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Bill,

Its your sitch, but I would be REAL uncomfortable with "you just have to trust me" to end whatever was going on or was about to. That's BS.

She should earn your trust back. First step is ending contact with scumbag AND proving it to you. Transparency.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1834161 - 09/08/09 01:00 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Yeah, I understand that.

Trying to problem-solve in my head on this one. Asking her to show me her FB friend list, or something like this. I'm not quite sure how to cover all the bases on this one. Thinking about it.

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#1834175 - 09/08/09 01:17 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: givingitmyall]
Greek Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/08
Posts: 1451
Yep, I'm with GIMA. She has to prove things at this point.
Greek
_________________________
Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.

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#1834259 - 09/08/09 03:05 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: Greek]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
So while I work that out - here's my next question.

DR says that in the case of OM - figure out what's attractive about this person. W made the statement, here's someone what wanted to talk to her and pay her attention.

So, how do I do that and at the same time, distance, not spend time chatting with her, etc? I've got two conflicting things here.

As much time as I spent at home being miserable this weekend, when she got home I wasn't there - out GALing. Spent time with my buddy - he wanted to go to - you guessed it - Guitar Center, so we went to the other one in the area. Then we went to Hooters - and I chose that only because it's a VERY atypical place for me to go. Had a secret chuckle when I told W about that.

But I need to figure out now how to make W feel like I'm paying her attention without pursuing, without making her feel like things are "OK" - and she does seem to seek me out now to talk.

Thanks guys - Bill

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#1834266 - 09/08/09 03:20 PM Re: BillM's new thread [Re: NoLongerHere]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
I think that's a common problem here, conflicting actions.

What does your gut tell you to do?

I would say at home, when you see her, be genuiune and see how her days was. But I wouldn't call and text her a lot and I wouldn't necessarily share with her what I'm doing when out and who I'm doing it with.....

In terms of the OM, I would just let him know that you know about him and don't consider him much of an issue.
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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