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Originally Posted By: RedSoxFan
Originally Posted By: BigJohn
[quote=Stronger]
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More than once, I told my H, "You think you can do better than me? What are you waiting for?" I've said this in more recent days....not in the beginning when I was a scared idiot. Before I found DBing. I wish I had said it to him the first night, but neither here nor there now.


This is a great attitude for an LBS to have. Very appealing. Hope, this is the message you need to get across to your H. Great advice from Stronger.

Assuming the message is delivered with confidence and not anger.

I'm not in this exact situation but I can recall several times when W expressed to me her confidence in herself in different ways like she's a good person, good catch, good mother, forgiven herself and me, etc. Those things really struck me and pulled me in. If they had been delivered in any way other than gently with love and kindness, I would have gone the other direction.


Agreed and good point RSF. Humility, not arrogance is what the LBS will respond to best. Speaking from experience, this is sometimes easier said than done when emotions are running high. smile


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
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For the record, I was lying in bed and he was in a mood to talk, which as you both may know, women have to capitalize in situations like that because they aren't common!

I was pretty calm but more than that, I was serious.


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Great advice. I'm trying to convince myself too - the thing that keeps me up at night is the fear that he is comparing me - I need to feel enough self-esteem to know I am better, to know I am the prize, like STronger said. I did well this weekend despite his bomb.

We had a perfect family day on Saturday, and we even cuddled with the cat on the couch watching our favorite show. We have never doen that since he left.

When he was explosive a few times, I stayed very calm. I just said "ok" and walked away. He admitted what was underneath it. This is new too.

Yesterday when he came for dinner to be with S, instead of waiting around, hoping he would give me some attention, I psyched myself for a GAL - I asked him (gently and kindly - yes!) if he didn't mind giving S dinner alone so I could go out and exercise. I made sure I looked really good - and he knows when I'm depressed I don't exercise so this showed that I was more important than spending time with him.

The kindness, calmness, and gentleness are also such good advice. You all know how much I want to scream at him and argue about OW - and I'm not.

You get more flies with honey than with vinegar. But my actions and attitude are one that - if he doesn't chose me it is a huge loss to him. I'm taking control. I'm worthy. This is hard work for me. I came from an abusive childhood home where there were emormous problems. I am determined that no longer will I be the one to be hysterical and angry. I will protect myself if and when he is abusive. I will stop blaming his ass****ness for my anger and emotionality. These changes will either lure him back or I will find someone better. Or, I will be happy with myself knowing that just because he doesn't want me, I am still lovable and worthy. I will prove this to him and myself by being the best me I can be.

I'm trying anyway. I'm psyched up today to stay strong.


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DAng, how to I use the "quotes" feature here people? YOu all are giving me such awesome advice I want to also repsond personally to each.

RSF, I want to know exactly what kind of legal fincancial agreement you and your wife got so I can ask my attourney how to do this.

Stronger and RSF - you are right = I actually have asked him without anger but conifidently = if you want a D, then why don't you file one?/

He had no answer. He admitted he wasn't a hundred percent sure.

Confidence + humility is a winning combo. It shows self respect. I have to know INSIDE MYSELF that if he doesn't want me it's his loss.

BJ - you are totally right - I have an app with my L to sort out my questions and then when I receive these stupid papers I will figure out the best plan. I'm having a hard time waiting this out but I'm not going to do or say anything in response to this dumb idea until I'm armed with the facts. Calling a bluff is a useless, emotionally reactive tactic.

Like STronger said, I "keep ironing and watching Family Guy"


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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Stronger and RSF - you are right = I actually have asked him without anger but conifidently = if you want a D, then why don't you file one?/

I have to know INSIDE MYSELF that if he doesn't want me it's his loss.

Calling a bluff is a useless, emotionally reactive tactic.

Like STronger said, I "keep ironing and watching Family Guy"

I read your words and it makes me feeling stronger in what I'm doing. smile

As for the agreement, its a simple maintenance agreement. One page, it says W will stay in our house with kids and I will pay her $XXXX.XX dollars per month for support. That's it. It's notorized and maintained in W's attorney's office.


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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
DAng, how to I use the "quotes" feature here people?

Just click on the quotes button at the bottom of the post. What browser are you using? Internet Explorer? Firefox?


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
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first you have to click on reply. You can't just use the box at the bottom of the page.

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I love Family Guy!

Perfect prescription.


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Hope,
I so very proud of you. Right direction for sure.

BUT you need to work on the improvements FOR YOU. If he likes them, that's just a side effect.

For example, I exercise. I do it FOR ME. H yesterday, at a football tailgate, looked around and said to me, in front of people "You're 34 years old. Most of these chicks are 20 somethings...you had a 9 pound baby.....You're hotter than all of them." All I could do was smile. But I exercise for me. I like it and it's good for me and I have horrible heart problems on my father's side of the family. H just benefits. So good for him but really good for ME.

I clean my house. I love it. It's not normal, but when I'm sad or in a bad mood, I love especially. It's therapy for me. H and S both benefit from my OC house cleaning, but again, it's for me.

I play tennis. It gets me out of the house and that's all for me and I can't think of who else benefits, purely for me. It's not a burden on H, but he does have to watch S while I'm playing and truth be told.....I don't care. (And to be honest, he supports me in my tennis 110%, so kudos to him for that.)

I got a lawyer, after I found H had filed. I was scared at first and it was surreal, but my contact with the lawyer was very empowering. H took us to that place and when my lawyer informed H's lawyer I had representation, the change in H was more respectful. Can't explain it but he knew I meant business.

You have to mean business, and you have to mean it for you....not what you hope will be your H's reaction. Do things for you to make you happy....if your H reacts to it well, then good. If he doesn't, it wasn't for him anyways. If you put expectations in his reactions you might be disappointed. A lot. So stop it and think about you.

Besides, is your H thinking about you the way he should be?

Nope.


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Originally Posted By: Stronger
For example, I exercise. I do it FOR ME. H yesterday, at a football tailgate, looked around and said to me, in front of people "You're 34 years old. Most of these chicks are 20 somethings...you had a 9 pound baby.....You're hotter than all of them."

Quote:
I clean my house. I love it. It's not normal, but when I'm sad or in a bad mood, I love especially. It's therapy for me. H and S both benefit from my OC house cleaning, but again, it's for me.


Hope,

I hope you are as impressed as I am with Stronger's PMA in her posts. I haven't read up on her entire sitch so I don't know what is going on with her dingbat H, but man I gotta tell you I'm getting intrigued here... and I'm trying to fight for my own M! You need to get some of that MOJO yourself and lay it on thick for your H.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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