Thank you so much Coach I really appreciate the time you have given. I actually live on the Oxfordshire border and spend time with my horse near Witney which is on the edge of the Cotswolds. Navigating the magic roundabouts in Swindon is definitely an art form lol. You are most definitely cheeky but I cant tell if youre as pissed as a newt over the net! If your ever over this way again maybe we can share a drink or two and I can test that theory x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
LR, We would be glad to have a swift half or two with you, the Greek and I need to get back to the UK and do some pub trivia. We once staged out of Cirencester and stayed in haunted pub, The Black Horse Inn. I talked myself into a cricket game once in Fairford and can throw a mean googly.
What are your doing to reach your goals?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Been a strange week, H went back Tuesday morning having parted saying "i'll love you and leave you" first mention of love since May 09.
He has txt me again first every day this week, and friday afternoon even txt me to ask how my day had gone and was I coming online later. We chat most evenings on msn because his mobile phone signal is awful. I started work this week and I work in dominantly male enviroment, so any chat of work mates usually involves T did this and J said that obviously they are men, twice he has asked me if Im trying to make him jealous lol.
Then last night he started to say he couldnt come up this week as he was busy every other evening and he would come up the following monday and stay still sat, I missed that he also said he might come back after the tuesday again (he has photography class) I missed it because his next sentance was about sorting out the house and finances. Admittedly I panic'd a bit although my replies were calm. It was that I was if any decisions were being made like I wouldnt do them without legal advice.
Well the conversation went on from there, H said that was too early days yet he just wanted to sort things out so we had an open door, he also admitted he had to sign a six month lease not a three that he thought he was going to be able too, so has a bolt hole till feb 2010. This led to me saying that it changed things for me, and then the conversation just spewed into, we need to talk about stuff when we are together and a totally honest talk about how I felt I couldnt because it would push him away, and how he felt that he wasnt good at accepting positive affirmations even though he loved having them. It was a really good start but I sense I am still trying to make plans with an H who doesnt really know what he wants.
Interestly enough I call him up on ML, having told him I wanted too and I felt it was good to remind him of our connection, I said I didnt know how he could ML to me and he does ML not just lust, without loving me, and he said that he still cant resist me, and the fact he ML must say something although he doesnt know what?
He said that we were talking and that was good. I replied it made me feel sick to the stomach and he answered but theres nothing bad, and I answered but there is no hope and I need a bit at the moment, with that he popped to the bathroom and I reread the transcript and saw that he had planned on coming back again after the weekend so would be planning on coming up for a week, then a weekend break and another week or longer! So I apolagised and said I'd seen it and he laughed and said SEE!
So to answer Coach he is coming up in a weeks time to start sorting out our finances with a view to leaving the door open!
So the plan is to sort our finances out so that I can relax a bit more and know whats what! Sort some of the chores out that need doing around here that need H's help. Spend time affirming him even if its falling on deaf ears at the moment. Make him feel like he is wanted for who he is and not the money he provides (well he doesnt at the moment he doesnt have a contract. Whilst carrying on GAL and DB'ing my butt off!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Hang in there sounds like a step in the right direction.
Get the finances sorted out first and foremost.
As for the R it sounds as if he's trying to find a way back, but you also need to consider what you want out of any new R with him, you don't just want to go back to how it was before, but build something better.
I feel like I have put the nearly four months we have been apart to good use, I have found myself again, sexy sassy rabbit is happy most of the time! I have gone back to work after two and half years, lost shed loads of weight, bought new clothes and had hair cuts, I have a life started dance classes again and spend a fair bit of the week riding my horse, but all of these are female orientated hobbies, although my job is quite male dominated. I live in the countryside, so not only is it not the done thing for ladies to be out in pubs here as you know, nothing is open in the evening so I cant go out lottering in coffee shops or bars like the girls seem more able to in the states so not so easy to make new friends be them male or female. Still have to conquer going to the cinema on my own!
I want to put the fun back into our R, the finances are going to be a big part of this, we have always had the traditional joint bank account, I have tried to separate things out before but got nowhere, but I do think our own accounts with fairly shared money, he earns a lot more than me when he is working and we agreed that bringing up our son was an important SAHM job so I dont have a highly paid career so I think its only fair we share. But its important to have our own money, I have often wanted to arrange surprises or presents and cant cos either he can see or its the wrong time of the month for money! He wants to be spontaneous but Im more of a plan ahead sorta girl so not sure how we work that one out, especially as the I have to arrange pet sitting ahead of schedule!
I am sure we can compromise but he has to start talking and he has to compromise he cant have it all his own way cos he is the one who has walked away, as they say on here we need to be happy not right! Like you say it has to be something new, Im just not sure how we are going to get there!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
- don't you have hiking trails that lead from village to village around you? see if there is a hiking club you could join.
- volunteer at church or another charity
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Have plenty of GAL Coach! I do hike out but on horseback, I have my own horse and she takes up a good portion of my non working week.
Also started a new job in a very male orientated enviroment and they do seem a social bunch so fingers crossed we can start organising some social events!. Or if all else fails I will have to start sorting some lol!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I didnt chat with him last night, had a really nice ME evening, coloured my hair, did all the girly sorta maintenance and had a nice evening watching what telly I wanted and surfed the net and did a bit of online shopping! And didnt waste an ounce of energy chatting to H or thinking about him lol!
Tonight he asks what I did last night! So I told him I had a ME night. He asked what one of those was.
My reply:
Its just a case of being more interested/focussed on what Im doing for me, and putting aside the things/people that invade my space and stop me theoretically paying attention to me. I need to look after me, mentally, physically and I wasnt before and now I intend too!
He was impressed and wanted to know who taught me this and Im so not telling lol. Thing is I sense he'd like to be doing this for himself but doesnt know where to start and at the moment seems to be doing a grand job of blaming his lack of self esteem & confidence for every thing. When I said he needed to sort it, he said he couldnt afford too! Oh and btw he says hes not having a MLC.. and my AWAL H as I now call him also asked me what I wanted for Xmas.. I best not tell him!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
He was impressed and wanted to know who taught me this and Im so not telling lol. Thing is I sense he'd like to be doing this for himself but doesnt know where to start and at the moment seems to be doing a grand job of blaming his lack of self esteem & confidence for every thing. When I said he needed to sort it, he said he couldnt afford too!
Aside from telling him about DR/DB which we all know is a big no-no, there are so many books and resources out there for him to tap in to, but it almost sounds like he wants the result but not the required effort (assuming, here).
I know you can't and shouldn't "fix him." but perhaps the next time he asks who " taught you this," you could lovingly "nudge" him: "I did." It's not rocket science: he knows the things he'd like to change about himself. Pick one. Just one. And forget the others for now. Make a list of actions to take to begin. Or give him DR's goals recipe (don't have my copy handy) Goal. what would it look like if it did start to change, etc.
Keep going.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Keep him guessing as you say it's not rocket science he should be able to work it out.
As for the R side of things have you read ILYBINILWY it's by an English bloke called andrew g marshall and would I think be useful to you should the H decide he wanted to recommit. He's a Relate counsellor but don't let that put you off.
