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#1840972 - 09/20/09 01:28 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Gosh! Your H is such a control freak. And that dream ... he didn't have it ... he's just using the story to make you feel guilty.

I don't think you should leave any doors open for him if he wants to come back. He's going to have to ring and ring and ring at your door and earn his way back, I think. And why should he care about what job you have after he leaves? He really is very controlling.

Why should you be concerned about his move to another country --- all the ins and outs, learning a new language, etc? He is so clueless about how that would make you feel.

Good for you, buying the computer and going out. Awesome job. You took back control of your life.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1841090 - 09/20/09 07:57 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: BeingMe]
Iwondertooo Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/02
Posts: 2049
Loc: US
Michelle, to make a long story short I am healthy and happy now. It was a long road, the ex had a baby with the Ow long before we were divorced and it was not fun.

What your lawyer did is what good lawyers do with each other. In my case the x's lawyer almost fired his client for lack of cooperation and he is the one who filed. Something to keep in mind. Wonder

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#1841364 - 09/21/09 11:07 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Iwondertooo]
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
Wonder,

Glad to hear you are healthy and happy, no doubt this is eventually possible but your road to it was HELL.

You are right about lawyers, I am sure my H's lawyer was shocked to hear what the real deal was and it will be interesting going forward...I know after reading the brief letter from H's attorney to him with questions that his L might be concerned; however, he did accept him as his client.

This was the first time H saw his plans in writing and the first time someone other than us heard what he plans to do and it probably did not come across as sound. I mean, if H is excited about his future than why doesn't he tell anyone? He is certainly in no hurry to tell our employer he is leaving, or his family, etc.

Again, thanks for sharing because there is no doubt one could go insane living in H's delusional world and it affects a persons psyche and health.

I am going for a general checkup today and contemplating asking about some anti-depressants or general referrals for counseling. The Divorce Busting counselors have been pretty good; however, I think it is important that you are face to face. I also am going to look into separation/divorce groups.

Take care,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 23 yrs.
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in progress

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#1841371 - 09/21/09 11:19 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: BeingMe]
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
Being Me,

You are so right and continue to hit the nail on the head. The 'controlling' issue is becoming very apparent and no doubt has been a theme of our marriage. Feeling stupid but looking forward to change. H is consumed with making sure I stay at this job and H continually tells me that even though this is a package job for us that our employer would do anything to keep me here and would rework the job description so I could stay. H also is adamant that he will be bringing a few things with him when he goes, he doesn't plan any trailers/trucks, still just what he can take in a car. This may be a no-brainer moment for some but I am starting to believe he wants me to kind of hang around here and keep some of his stuff available in case this were not to work out for him. I know for sure he is not doing this for my benefit. I certainly may stay at present job if they will allow for a time (just because I don't think I can handle a new job and divorce stress at the same time); however, I do not intend to work/live here in the long term.

Of course, this continues to make no sense to me because all along I had indicated he should just go, separate, and find out what life would really be like before D, but he has absolutely refused that approach.

On the other hand, the drama of D talk this week sadly has in some ways me looking forward to the end, no matter what...I am exhausted and anxious to live!

Another note, saddened to read about John Edwards wife Elizabeth Edwards...and the hell she is going through publicly with stories about his OW. Why does she stay?

How are things going with you and your H? I hope you can have butterflies again...

Sorry all over the place today, my scattered mind cannot focus.

Thanks again for absolutely everything.
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 23 yrs.
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in progress

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#1841524 - 09/21/09 02:18 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
I suspect that Elizabeth Edwards stays because she has terminal breast cancer, and that brings a different perspective to life. She loves her H, and for the time she has left, I think she is willing to just ignore the bad and live with her kids and H as best she can. I just lost a friend to terminal breast cancer and it she was such an inspiration to me. Terminal, of course, means there isn't much they can do for you except make you comfortable - at least, that's how I understand it.

I think you should let your H know (if the subject comes up) that your home is not a storage unit, and you will keep nothing of his --- he can leave it in a real storage unit. You will be divorced and moving on with your own life. Why would you want to be loaded with the remnants of the old life?

You are right --- it all doesn't make sense unless he is hoping to be able to slip right back into his old life and wife if it doesn't work out. Maybe some OW is insisting he be D'ed? It's all very weird. Don't you feel like there is a whole bunch of stuff that he's not telling you?

As for my H and I --- no butterflies yet, but we are good friends, and I regard him as family, if not a fully functioning H. blush grin

Take care.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1841685 - 09/21/09 05:12 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: BeingMe]
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
Being Me,

That does make sense for Elizabeth. Boy, my heart just breaks to have this drug through public. I know my sister when dying of a brain tumor was the most courageous selfless person I have ever known and that is why I will get through this, no matter what.

I just want to move out but I will still have to come back everyday for work so right now I am toughing it out. I do have a bag packed in case I just need to leave and daily that becomes more of an option.

Yes, there is so much to H's life that I don't know and any bit or piece I can pick up on just seem to make it worse. I was going back to my e-mails and I found in February an e-mail from a counselor when I was trying to get us to counseling. This has been going on far too long. It was pointed out today that I maybe spending too much time on wondering what is happening, why it is happening and trying to keep our marriage together because I will feel like a failure. The main thing is "what am I going to do", even if H stayed he is not well and has abused his husband privilges.

I wish you the best and for you to know how special you are for sharing and listening.

Thanks,
Michele

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#1841819 - 09/21/09 08:33 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
Iwondertooo Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/02
Posts: 2049
Loc: US
Hey, you are completely on the right track but do not move out without legal counsel. Same with the job and his stuff if it has serious value. I do not know if he has a plan but you should have one. You are doing well. Take care of yourself. Wonder

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#1858323 - 10/19/09 01:12 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Iwondertooo]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Chel! How are you doing? Been thinking about you.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

Top
#1861370 - 10/23/09 10:33 PM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: BeingMe]
Chel Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 69
Being Me,

Hello. Thank you for thinking of me, I too have been thinking of you and just recently reading posts.

Don't know if good or bad but H is still here and D papers in progress, albeit slow. I'm doing my best to GAL, trying not to talk R and not to become a doormat. Trying to work towards acceptance.

The D paperwork slowed down when I told H I would not sign anymore paperwork unless he made sure I would be able to keep my job (we were hired as a twosome) and my home. H did not like the thought and huffed and puffed but has not yet spoke with our employer or given notice. It's been almost a month and papers still unsigned. H gave a leave date of Oct. 23rd after he announced for the umpteenth time these past few months that he was leaving, things had gone too far, he needed a change, no passion, etc. However, H only announced to me and had told no one else. Within the next 24 hours we got a call his brother from Florida was coming for a long weekend to celebrate their mother's 80th birthday, on none other than Oct. 23rd. H was angry and felt everyone was out to rob him of his happiness. Of course, never once did H ever say he would not be leaving and today is Oct. 23rd and he and his brother are over visiting their mother. It hurts, and is confusing.

My next horror is my dad, he had a very intense surgery and had suffered trauma preceding for a couple of years due to our horrible health insurance system. I have no choice but I am going to have to fly and visit him/help him next week.

And, our job is at the height of work overload and high stress demands.

Last but not least, H's sister told me today, H had mentioned to their mother we were having problems. My sister-in-law knows pretty much what is happening and frankly feels sorry for me because of the way her brother is behaving. She told me her mother was concerned and wondered if she knew anything. She downplayed it as it was their mother's upcoming birthday, visit with family and she is in assisted living. This is the first of anything my H has said to his family and he picks his frail mom. His sister is pissed and we both figured he was taking the wimpy way out by telling her and neither she nor I would confront him.

Anyway, we were given as a gift concert tickets for November 15th and H's face just fell. That led me to believe H has another departure date soon and is again not being honest.

H is really in a stage of feeling sorry for himself and he has felt he has stuck around too long after bomb, but he was just trying to help my transition, to help me with work, etc. I've been pretty good at ignoring that behavior.

I am taking adult ed classes and trying to shape my future, slowly, but I know this is the only thing in my life where I have control. His behavior is immature but he feels he is so smart.

So am kind of all over the place, detatching, denying, accepting, GALing, and trying not to be a doormat.

I would appreciate hearing about you and again your advice is always most welcome. I am running out of gas, laughing a lot so I don't cry and frankly the stress has caused some behaviors I don't particularly care for to rear their head. Trying to makde grass greener is something I have no ability to do anymore. H just always thinks when I am out I am meeting other men, how silly.

Anyway that is the long of it and again thanks for checking in on me.

Take care,
Michele
M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 23 yrs.
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in progress
To Stand or not to Stand

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#1861390 - 10/24/09 01:11 AM Re: My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated! [Re: Chel]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Next time he comes up with seeing other men, or a leaving date, why dontcha tell him he's becoming a real bore.

You are so strong. Keep it up.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

Top
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