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I agree..for now -dont give your H the letter
But write it
get everything out
edit it
dont give it to him
save it
you can always decide to give H a letter later

good job with no R talks
H was interested in your energy after you went out
be unpredictable
I would make plans
or figure out something to do this weekend at least part of the time
even if you go to a movie alone
volunteer somewhere
get involved at church
join a book club

or call a girl friend

I started taking dance lessons early on in the crises
and that gave me a social life
It wa fun and still is
I made friends danced every thursday and saturday
I became a decent dancer and I love it
never thought about dancing before this time in my life
met a guy adventually
but I didnt go for that reason..I went to get my mind off things and experience life as a single person because I was
be a little mysterious and continue as hard as it is
to be upbeat to H
smile at him
act forgiving no R talks
IF he has a ow in canada that may be better than having one around the corner
it could end before it gets to far
see if you can stick this out a little longer
and just practice taking care of yourself
You will know more later
and remember whatever H does, you will be ok
we have all survivied this and come out better, happier and nore enlightened
you will too
trust God and yourself
you are wise and capable
you were chosen to weather this because you can
peace
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Chel Offline OP
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Being Me & Peace,

I think I am totally losing either my sanity or my dignity. Was dreading upcoming weekend because H just hangs around so I was bound and determined no R this weekend so I just thought of a couple of things to do and would say how the day progressed as things needed to do at home. Anyway, H did not bring anything up this weekend. H asked if I wanted to go to the Minnesota State Fair, pretty big deal every year. So we went, and had a good time. It was fun trying different foods, people watching, etc. Today, the tension was there and we did activities apart and a couple of times I just thought he was going to say, I am going to sign D papers but he did not. We grilled out together for dinner and the tension rose back somewhat and right now I am on computer and H is visiting his mom so a good time to ask well-grounded individuals where do I go from here?

Deep down inside I am ready for any R talk but I am not going to be the one to do it...H was no doubt expecting this from me and he did not get this weekend.

What I am totally unsure of - is H just a cake eater and none of this makes any difference or could the tactic of being friendly and low key work? Should I continue including him in activities again or, is this foolish and should I stay with my tactic of GAL and being more aloof?

Brutally honest answers are welcome.

Take care,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 22 yrs.
No Kids
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in house/unsigned
Waiting to exhale!

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Don't change what is working! Keep the aloofness, no R talk, and GAL. I don't think it was a problem attending the fair and having some fun as long as there was no R discussion. I feel you should keep your distance emotionally from him. Whatever is to happen, he should be the one who should be initiating it.

Quote:
Should I continue including him in activities again?

Definitely NOT.

Look, don't think of DBing as a tactic, a way to manipulate your H back. NO! It is a way of saving yourself, putting YOU first. Letting go of his issues and working on yours. He is an adult and must work out his own happiness on his own. Then, once you are whole, he may see that you are the greener grass. However, he too should be whole, so it is a lot of work. But, this is the GAL part. Finding you. See this as a huge opportunity of having the space to be you and not an enabler. The 'piecing it together' part comes so much later.

You are doing great in my opinion!


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Chel
I think you did great this weekend
IT is hard--so hard

It is a tough call what to do
you guys had fun together, so that is good
maybe find a balance
having more gal time and finding fun things on your own and this taked time
making single girl friends to do stuff with
taking a class
ect
as far as including him
maybe if he initiates an activity you can go if you want
and just be light fun and upbeat
lookm and dress as best as you can
do something different buy some heals and a sexy dress and go out with a girl friend
and then continue to focus on you try Yoga
peace


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Chel Offline OP
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Being Me & Peace,

You both are so right, take care of me first, make myself whole I know there is nothing I can do to help bring H back whatever happens he does need to do on his own.

I will GAL this week and not include H in activities, I knew this was wrong but could not stop myself.

Will get back on track thanks for the feedback.

Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 22 yrs.
No kids
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in home unsigned

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We have all had this struggle, Chel. As you say, ya just have to get back on track. It is difficult when you love someone and you have fun and then the expectations are heightened. But, you have learned over and over that this means nothing to your H. So, I am so pleased that you will keep trying the GAL which will help you no matter what happens.

Have a good week. smile


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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I rarely chime in here any more but this sitch caught me and I think I am caught up. If you ask me he has been taking advantage of you and your hope. It may be to his advantage to slow things down. This is an international thing and visas are involved. There has to be an OW. But the most important thing I have heard is that you feel you might be losing your dignity. I will tell you from a similar experience that I chose myself in a very difficult emotional battle that could have killed me. Take care of yourself. This person is not thinking like you. If he has said the marriage is over most likely that is his truth. Believe it and face it. This does not mean you have to do anything.

Personally I waited for my x to file for divorce and it took a long time. Same old MLC plus international drama story. Wonder

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Wonder,

Yeah, being H has said he was going to go months ago he basically has cut off all his social interactions here anyway and just kinda hangs out. H also complains, is negative and really tonight I could not keep quiet and just said a couple of times quit being such a negative creep and keep it to yourself. WOW!! Couldn't believe I said it but said it just matter of fact and went on to something else. The tension is so thick tonight you could cut it with a knife.

You are right he is done I can feel it and his depression keeps him doing nothing therefore he has hitched along with me probably out of boredom. H had said he could go to Montreal for 6 months as a visitor and would work on getting his citizenship there; however, maybe there is something to what you are saying.
His leave dates keeps changing supposedly now it is end of Sept.

Wow, it just takes so much guts to tell someone your marriage is done and than just keep hanging around and making life miserable. To be that self-absorbed is unfathomable to me after all these years together to be discounted really hurts.

This emotional battle feels like hell to me but it sounds like you had a battle royal.

If you would care to share more I would welcome your story and/or advice.

Thanks again for speaking out it was no doubt difficult.

Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 22 yrs.
No Kids
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in home unsigned

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Being Me, Peace & Wonder,

Well, H just brought up R talk and said he wants to sign D papers tomorrow and he wants me to just use his attorney. Even though we have nothing complicated I said he could have his attorney contact mine and he blew a gasket. He said you are going to finally get back at me for how I treated you and hire an attorney to waste more money and to go after me. I told him nothing could be further from the truth I just felt I should have a representative for myself but would not contest, etc.

He was not happy. We made love this weekend and he is D'ing me, of which he responded. "Our love is so special that we will always be kind, loving and continue to talk with each other". And, I got the you'll be better off without me speech too.

I just went to bed and cried. I hate that he makes me feel vindictive, that hurt.

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Chel, I hope you have had yourself tested for any sexually transmitted diseases, since you are continuing to ML with him. You just don't know what he might have been exposed to in Montreal. Just thought of that tonight ... several other women on these boards have done that just to keep themselves safe.

Also, unless he has skills that are needed in Canada, it is very unlikely that he will get a work permit, let alone citizenship. We are immigrants from another country, and are now citizens, so we have been through the procedure. It's a little easier for USA citizens since they get a different work visa, but not a whole lot because they still require needed skills.

Don't 'let him make' you do anything or feel any way that you know is untrue. You have control over your feelings, and you know you are not a vindictive person. This is just he being an a$$hole, and sucking you into being his enabler. He is manipulating you, and you shouldn't let him. But, I do know how difficult it is when you love someone and they express even the smallest kind word to you, and how much hope one pins onto that.

Maybe, it's time to take the D papers to your lawyer, and let him go over it. If it all looks okay, then sign them. You can always remarry later, if he ever comes back. I just feel that he needs to have his space to grow.

Just some thoughts.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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