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Peace, thanks for your post and spelling out the steps. They hit home and are so true.

I had been DB'ing and doing well, obviously slipped off the bandwagon after being told he had a place ready to move to in August. I know it is naive but just find it incredible this has occurred with others. H thinking he can take a few things and go, no cares that I would be stuck with everything else! WOW!!! It is a complete disconnect with reality. H said he has divorce papers and would like us to complete together. I told him I was not ready for that step and H said it would be very difficult but really there is nothing left and would not be fair to me to just separate at this point. Too much had happened and it was time for him to go. H made me feel guilty that I may not go along and therefore causing us to waste more of our money. I told him spending money and dragging it out was not my intent; however, divorcing was not my intent either. Our marriage contract is important to me and I don't feel like filing for irreconcilable differences when he absolutely refused to even talk for a half hour on the telephone with me and a counselor. We have 20 years together most of them awesome and somehow that does not warrant any potential for putting any in effort or towards a goal of 20 more. I cannot wrap my head around this he can open the door walk out and never come back.

As for my sister-in-law, first and foremost I would consider her a friend and I do consider her opinion and concern for H as very important in this instance. I have spilled the beans to her and she is sad, but supportive. She told me to get my finances in order and to protect myself as she also believes H is not thinking rationally and that money could go quickly. If H leaves, he will leave his sister alone in the care of their mother and she will be abandoned also. She is H's oldest sibling and his only sister who basically took care of him and included him in her life growing up. So she is hurt and disappointed that H is close to walking away from everyone in his life, no care no responsibility or conscience.

I had told H that his sister and mother were very concerned about him and they had reached out to me to find out what was wrong and at this point I told him that I agreed with them I was very concerned with his mental state/depression also and he would need to tell them something soon because I was now stuck in the middle. H said he supposed he had to do something soon. Absolutely no concern the added layer of stress this puts on me. H actually said I am sure there is nothing more than both yourself and my sister would like to do than put a butterfly net over my head. I did not respond, because whatever I say is wrong or doesn't matter.

I freely admit I am still in shock and hoping this is just a dream, but reading these posts it clearly is not and there is a super long road ahead. I don't know right now what tact I am going to take. I have been DB'ing and the positive I get from this is taking care of ourselves first. You have got to, you have got to protect yourself and you have got to work on a life for yourself because the life of being with an MLC'er is not reality. We deserve to live in reality and to understand none of this is our fault and we basically are at the mercy of whatever is happening in any given stage how they handle it and proceed. The DB'ing worked somewhat I put my best face forward, no R talk, trying to do things for me; however, right now I feel there are things I need to tell H and this does involve R talk. These are things he may not listen to now, but maybe they will sink in later. H loves to say he is crazy, insane; but of course, this is for him being a wild man, living life, etc.

I also cannot put the cat in the bag because his sister knows and she has volunteered to speak with him out of concern for their mother and to also tell him she is concerned about me. She would offer H help or to let him speak, she of course, would not bias the conversation with telling him she knows she understands this would be destructive and send him into thinking everyone is against him. She understands that his renting a place, scheduling a vasectomy, speaking with an attorney, etc. are all signs of putting things in order to leave. I feel grateful but also sad to say these things about someone we both love and care for deeply.

H continually tells me what will be best for me and I've told him he has no right to feel for me or tell me what is best. In fact, when he leaves I will be in a job that requires two people and he feels our boss will simply keep me on and just find someone else to fill his position, no problem. I can just stay here with everything from our life together left here and just continue on and no doubt my life will just be a happy ray of sunshine in short order and will be so glad we divorced. I told H that it seems like everything for me just stays the same I am just taking an eraser and erasing him out of the picture. I told H I don't want to stay working here so everybody (there would be a large amount of people) who would wonder what happened, where H had gone, etc. I cannot get over there complete lack of empathy for what they are leaving behind.

H also says there is no OW, but there are friends he cares deeply about and find so fascinating. H did state though of course the potential of meeting other women and having sex was very appealing. He felt they were less judgmental, less puritanical and less likely to get involved in possessive relationships.

Today I plan to get copies of all my finances and possibly contact an attorney in the next two days so I know my rights. I've also thought about filing for divorce myself because I don't want to aid and abet anymore of his twisted logic.

I would welcome comments/thoughts on how you have proceeded and handled yourselves or steps you've taken at this stage in the game.

I certainly love H will all my heart and feel awful for what must be going through his mind, but feeling so frustrated and unsure of how to handle myself next.

THANK YOU & HUGS TO ALL,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 1993
No kids
Bomb dropped 5/16/09, H says he has divorce papers

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Chel Offline OP
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To: sunshinelewis

There are so many similarities. He is definitely obsessed with his body image. He has been going out a lunch time to catch a few rays. He also says we could easily get remarried. He says being with one person all your life is just no realistic. He is going through with the vasectomy on July 15th. He will go through with it because they are going to put him completely under so hey, he was almost relieved.

Did you DB? Did you have success? Honestly at this point the DB'ing had worked but he comments "who is that girl and where has she been"? And than, the "it's too late" people cannot change and it won't last. He keeps saying I am too good for him and deserve better. At first he would get as emotional as I would and hoped things would work out; however, he would never ever just talk to a counselor not even on the phone for 30 minutes. Absolutely states there is nothing anyone can illuminate for us, if we couldn't make it work together than we've got to split. Of course, predicts by fall I'll be much happier alone.

Ahhh, back to my DB point. I do agree DB techniques are positive and the main thing is that they teach you to take care of yourself, to explore yourself and to reach the conclusion that you need to always like and take care of numero uno first. However, I do question DB techniques when it reaches this stage where the fantasy land they are living in and the justifying they do is such twisted logic, is there a chance they are going to notice "us" and feel remorse. I get the feeling at this stage of the roller coaster they are going for a ride. I usually would fall off the wagon and within 24 hours could be DB'ing, but this time I am quite low. I am going to contact an attorney just to know my rights and get my financial paperwork in order.

I totally hurt that he has directed so much anger at you, but the anger I would still suspect maybe guilt. My best guess is he is not all that happy either and getting married again so soon may be a disaster for him. It is good he talks with your son but that doesn't make it easy to be ignored.

You sound so strong and I would really like to hear more of your story and watch for more parallels.

Thanks,
Michele

M 42
H 41
Married 1993
Together 1986
No Kids
Bomb 5/16/09
Wants D, not yet filed

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Beingme,

Thanks for your post. Seeing your location is Canada, I could not help but wonder what all the wonderfulness is about being my H wants to move there and become a citizen...H explains that Canadians do not seem so hung up on marriage, are able to relax and enjoy their time more and overall have a better quality of life. H claims there are many beautiful women in Montreal. Anyway, just ribbing you a bit...

I think it is time to use LRT, but not sure how best to employ this tactic, any ideas? I've tried as you suggested the sexy going out, stepping out of my comfort zone in many ways and H was quite happy but everything led to the same statement "it's too late, you cannot change, etc."

Your right when H leaves for Montreal there is not much hope because H is going to burn his bridges with friends and family if he chooses to leave all responsibility behind and take off, eh! So, all my DB'ing has probably just been delaying the inevitable in my best estimation but I know it will make it much more difficult for H to walk out the door. I can tell H has stepped up his delusional thinking and is rationalizing everything that he is making plans to go and he must go through with it, he would not want to disappoint his new friends. And, the new friends have now saved a unit in their co-op building for August.

His sister knows the story and she will be left with taking care of their mother. My H is very bitter about his mother and feels she doesn't care about him, etc. Telling the sister only came about again as she and her mother noticed his physical self and his withdrawn look, and concerns of severe depression. Of course, H acts like a mope when he is around them so in one way it looks as though he is almost looking for sympathy and concern, but when they have told them they are, he doesn't believe they care.

At this point, I understand our M may fail but I do feel that I should point out to H that he should not blow it with his family because they want to be there for him and they always have been. Not a terrifically great relationship but H has never suffered more than annoyance.

The stress is really ratcheting up and I am back to the bitter, angry stage and trying to put my best face forward is something I've done with limited ability over the past couple of days. How did you or others suck it up when it appears the end is coming for real this time?

Thanks,
Michele

M 42
H 41
Married 16 yrs.
Together 20 yrs.
No kids, 1 cat
Bomb dropped 5/16/09 and now seriously talking D

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Hi Chel,

I am not on these boards very much anymore but I read your thread and wanted to let you know that I have been where you are. My H did everything yours is doing, or is going to do.

My H had an OW and lied about it, he fell off the face of the earth and didn't see his children, he spent money like water and racked up major debt, he filed for divorce told me he never loved me and our marriage was over.

Throughout this time, I DB'd my butt off, at times H would see me but the majority of the time I did it for me. I was doing ok as a single mom, paying the bills and working. I would go out with my friends and I had a huge support system, my biggest supporters being my brother and sister in law (H's brother).

The day we went to court, I was a ROCK. I didn't yell, scream, cry....nothing. I was very businesslike and we settled on an agreement. Mind you, this was a great act because I was ready to rip his eyes out.

Even after all this and the divorce in process, H came back! He stopped the process of the D and wanted to come home. I said I would try but on my terms...we went to counseling and lived apart while we reconnected. H became very involved with the kids and was being the best father he had been in a long time.

All of this was over two years ago. We just celebrated our 9th anniversary yesterday and our marriage is stronger. We do still talk about what happened and attend counseling once every few months.

My advice to you is to get your finances in order, talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are but DO NOT FILE if you are not ready to be divorced!! The one thing I kept saying to my H while we were S, was if you want it, do it yourself, I am not helping you.

The things your H is saying are so typical! I was also blamed for everything...You have the fact that your H is still at home on your side...SHOW him what he will be missing!!

My H totally shocked me and dumped the news that he wasn't happy and didn't want to be married while we were on vacation!

You are not alone in all this! Like I said, I have lived your story! I will continue to check up on you!

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MIchelle

the choice is yours about how you handle D
seeking an attorny to get the facts though is an excellent idea

You can comply to D
or you can stall it
some even contest it
but talk to the L--sometimes it is so expensive to drag it all out
MY L got 350- an hour--he was great but so costly

I have read to treat the D process like a business deal
I chose to stall it as long as possible
that worked for me to a point because I realized H was busting out business and had I not I may have lost the business and any means of support
so be realistic about your assets--this is so important and put H second to this for now
I was left with 2 kids..
and not working
so I tried to get as much property, support,money as possible
half way thru the D , I realized MY H was running our business into the ground and had created huge debt
he had spent so much money..on the oW

so I got control of the business and have restored it with my brothers help
now we all work together..I am H secretary( really)
so I personaaly would get everyrhing financially possible especially since he is moving
and afetr you get thru the hurdle of deciding how to handle D or seperation
you can decide how to handle H
continue with your DBing but know things get a little hairy during D with the L
I had the luxery of DB for over a year before H filed( I told him to file)
so do whatever you can to take care of yourself
find therapy and get support
the other side of the journey is amaxing for us LBS
the rewards of doing the work are huge for us
many of us find reaL HAPPINESS
r WITH ALL OTHER PEOPLE INCLING xh IMPROVE
we get it all --the inward stuff the peace the love
it is ours
so know this road is not for the weak..I believe we are called
and the lucky ones
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hi Chel! Montreal is a long way from where I live, and another world. I have a friend from there and she says it is very cosmopolitan. Most people speak French, and they are not inclined to like english speakers. If one is not used to it, it may become overwhelming after awhile --- you know, like when you're on vacation, and it's great fun, but after a couple of weeks you just want to go home. laugh

As for M --- the divorce rate in Canada is 30%, so that says it all. I know you were just ribbing me, but I just wanted to point it out. grin

Mom and Peace are right in so many ways, but I want to point out (and I have been on this board a looooonnnng time), that it is quite rare to get a MLC spouse back, and if you do, to get back the spouse you had or want (at least, in my case where I got my friend back, but not my husband). So, be prepared for that too. I would stress to your H that you are going out and having fun for yourself and not because you are 'changing for him', so it's not 'too late', but just in time for YOU. You might even thank him for waking you up to the fact that you were in a rut. But, be sure to make him see that it's not for him, because it's not. Of course, this is if he brings up any R talk. This is a time where you can look at yourself and see what's missing, where you can improve, whether you've been holding out on yourself.

The big thing with DB, is detaching. Try and find a way to detach from the drama of his life. You cannot do a thing for him now. His R with his mother and sister is up to him now. Don't try and make it better for him. He has to face every consequence of his actions. And, just because he's in Montreal, doesn't mean he won't be thinking of them.

The more you try and hold him back, the more he will justify his leaving. Let go! At least, try. It will be better for you, and it will leave him with no excuses. Anger does help with detachment, by the way.

Definitely, get to that L, take care of your finances, etc. I agree, do not start the proceedings --- let him do it, if he wants it so bad.

Just a side note --- don't y'all think Governor Stanford is going through MLC? Key word to his mistress --- she is my 'soul mate'. I feel so sorry for the wives who have to play this out in public.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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YES...the Governor has a bit of MLC!! I heard someone on TV even see it!

I just want to clarify something that BeingMe said. She is right that getting an MLCer back is a rarity. I did not get back the same man that left. When I DB'd I did it for me, but H tells me all the time how it drove him crazy that he didn't know what i was doing, who I was with etc...

DB for you!! It really does make you feel better!

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Hey MOM....I know you said it drove your H crazy wondering what you're doing but did he tell you at the time that he wanted you to do and he was glad you were going out...
my H told me I needed to date that if I found someone he would shake his hand....so that made me sad....that just told me he was truly done...or is it just another MLC Phrase?

and the email I got yesterday (it was so cold and businesslike) was gutwrenching....didn't say much but what it did say tore my heart out...then I talked to him on the phone and he wants us to sit down and talk this over in person...he says he wants to take careof me and the kids....WTF? He may be getting pressure from OW....I don't know...but he is so calm and claims he's doing whats best for me and the kids...wants to sit down and discuss money and what I should receive...I said I could not do that, that I would contact my attorney,.then he got mad that I was wasting what little money we had, that I will never get more than half of his money...it's just the law he said....well....the law SUCKS!! We chose for me to stay home and I want to live the same way I've lived for the past 30 years....this was HIS choice not mine...I tried to explain that but it was like talking to a brick....

He did admit however that he can't think about our girls not talking to him because it does hurt him, and if he dwelled on it he wouldn't be able to function....

I'm so confused.....

Treese

Last edited by Treese; 07/03/09 12:35 PM.

Treese

H 49
M 45
D 23, D17, S12
M 25 T 31
01/07 OW H at my door w/proof
Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07
Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass,
Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9
11/08 pos.paternity




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treese,

YES, my H did say I should date and he knew that I would meet someone and get remarried someday. He also said he would be very happy for me...

CRAZY talk!! Once we began talking about what went on while he was in MLC land, he said it was his way of making himself feel better because he knew I wasn't sitting home.

WTF??? Ignore what they say and do.

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Greetings BeingMe,

Yes, H said Montreal is very cosmopolitan. H had been taking french lessons and is enamored with the french speaking women and in general their laid back views on judging others, morals, sex, etc. H wants out of the USA in addition to me. H actually said today if our country had shown any promise after electing Obama he would have stayed! YIKES. Now it is the politicians fault he is leaving my marriage. And as for Gov. Sanford, H just goes crazy when that is on the news. He agrees how hypocritical the guy is, etc. but of course he claims the media and everyone talking about should get out of peoples private lives and realize that marriage is hard and a commitment that some cannot keep. Such as his case, H has tried to be my husband and accept the things he would like to change about me but he is done. I feel so sorry for Mrs. Sanford and her children to go through this s&*t in public would be too much to bear.

H told me today he would like to get D paperwork going and have me drive him close to the Canadian border mid-August and his new friends in Montreal will drive from Thunder Bay to get him. It just sounds so wonderful. Today I am being reminded that if I don't agree to the divorce we will waste money with my getting an attorney of my own and I am already ruining his summer with dragging this out and staying in denial that H wants out.

Believe me I've DB'd my butt off and my C said (my sessions with her have ended) I was doing awesome and this sounded like I may be successful. Well I had thought the same and even began to be lulled into this DB'ing stuff is working. It is not and you are right H needs to go because we cannot just work this thing out if H won't meet me half way. And, more importantly I know H and once he goes he is gone...

I have got to the little strength left and detach that is all I have is my dignity because the man I married is gone. I only hope things for you get better I realized that not long ago if H did not leave the house and stayed we would be in the same boat as before and even though I love him deeply and feel he is the family I've only ever wanted I cannot stand living like this.

Thanks for your help, keep the honesty coming,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 20 yrs.
No Kids
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in house, H wants us to do paperwork together
Hope is fading...I am tired!

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