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chel
it seems like the journey takes so long
they say they are leaving seems like forever
most finally do..but ir takes time
your paptience will pay off for you and your changes
hang in theree
you seem like you are doing all the right things to move forward and taking care of yourssekf especially with D papers
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Chel Offline OP
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Being Me & Peace,

This is the last straw...

I've hit a major, major bump in the road and I am scared I may be going into a major depression.

I did go visit my dad in Colorado and had hoped the time apart would be conducive to something, anything...my trip to Colorado was very stressful would be impossible to elaborate. Anyway, on the way to the airport my H asks me out of the blue if my family had ever stayed at a good hotel near the airport? I said no. But, this question nagged me. Yes, I snooped in his notebook a couple of days before I left and found a completed application to take 3 of his bonsai trees to Montreal and date expected to leave the U.S. was November 17th. I did nothing with this information as I too do not approve of snooping but H had given a leave date of October 23rd and that came and went without so much as a word to me. So I just needed to know if H was planning another date without asking. H also had asked me a couple of days before I left if my ticket was around $220, which it was but I had never told him that so another oddity...anyway when I got to Colorado I focused on the trip and myself. However, H kept calling and saying I love you (had not said in a couple of months)...another oddity. On Friday, H called and said he was going to wrap up early in the office that afternoon and go for a walk, etc. By that time I had in my mind that possibly H was going to purchase a one-way ticket from Montreal to here by one of the friends and than he would rent a car and they would leave November 17th. I thought he was going to put them up in a hotel near airport. So, with that I assumed that H would probably be buying the plane ticket. These thoughts flooded my mind and only briefly thought of confronting him but thought better of this, did not want to push or back him in the corner. I just needed to decide what if another date for leaving would go past and than what would I do?

Well, it nagged me so much that I decided when I got back to check his credit card transactions to see if my suspicions of a purchased plane ticket was right...well I found something but it took a very big twist. There were 3 recent transactions on his card while I was gone, one was for $88 at a nice restaurant we've gone to for celebrations, the next was a charge of $93 at Comfort Inn Airport and the other for $44 at another favorite restaurant of ours. My heart was racing and I did not know what to do with the information. I absolutely did not know what course of action to take and so I pulled myself together this morning and stuffed it, I stuffed it with everything else and my emotional gas tank is at an all time low.

H never mentioned any relationship stuff today, neither did I, but he was very short with me. Now the first dinner and hotel were for Friday night, the second dinner was Saturday night (my plane came in at 10:00 pm and H was late to pick me up). He immediately kissed me out of the blue and wished me a Happy Anniversary, I said nothing I was just stunned. We met Halloween 1986 and have been together ever since. As the day has worn on H told me the cat had thrown up earlier in the day on Saturday and he had to wash the bedding, if the dinner charge was on Saturday does that mean a stranger was in my home???

I just really need help!!! I know this incident has absolutely nothing to do with Montreal and I know sex is very important in his life, so did he feel as though he needed a treat for himself or is this something he is going to try out instead so there is not so much work, as in leaving? I do know there were 15 voice mail messages from Friday afternoon and no doubt he is leaving me to clean up his mess because I take the office shift first in the morning.

I find myself still so much caring and even though angry I still love him and want us to remain a family; however, I know I have reached a crossroads on whether to stand or to quit my job and get out and find a new place to live. H will never go...

Any advice on how to proceed is critical at this juncture as I cannot hold onto this information long without it showing all across my face, it is almost impossible now to look him in the eye...what if there was a stranger in my home, with him at our favorite restaurants...how much do I turn a blind eye...

Do I confront him?

Michele
M 42
H 41
Married 16 yrs
Together 23 yrs.
D papers moving slowly
Gas tank is empty

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Well, if you don't confront him, who will? How will you find out what is going on?

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IM not sure
I heard you say you were depressed
I think counseling will be crucial for you
I cant tell you waht to do
only suggest to take care of yopur self
Listen to yourself

I know how painful it is
If he is with someone having sex and dinners
His leaving looming over your head

If you can keep it professional niot emaotional
and you want to ask him when he is leaving i see it as ok
if you can keep it professional
when my H left
I didnt know until the day after
he came back to see kids
and said he is staying at Bills house
(TRanslation living with OW, 26)
i only said I do not agree with your choice
Families need to work things out
he said nothing and left
there is nothing we can really do
ONLY
take care of the finances
the house
the credit cards
seperate everything
get the L in order
document
he may/will begin a large journey into debt many of them do

seek therapy to deal with the apin of this so you wont stuff it
if he does leave,,,there may be rel;ief for you as it was for me
no more concerns walking on eggshells
let him go
you will become everything you wanted
he may return later
you will heal and be happt agin
we all have passed thru this and many of the LBS can attest to this
peace


married 14 years
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Damn! This sucks! I'm sorry to say this, but like everyone else's H here, yours also sucks in this time and place. Try not to be depressed; rather angry and proactive. This is not the time to give him anymore of yourself than you have already. If he slept with someone else in the bed where he made love to you, then I think (besides the fact that that is really low and a freaking insult to you in a long line of other insults) he needs to find out what it's like to be without you in that bed. No more 'nice Chel'. He has walked all over your feelings, scr*wed around with your head. He is going to do what he is going to do; you cannot control him. But, you can control you. Maybe, he is sending you a message --- he wants you to be the one to walk away? I don't know --- I've said before that your H is a coward (sorry, I know you love him, but this is my opinion, and the man you loved is not present anymore), but he does seem to hit you with one thing after another. He blames everyone for his issues except himself. I can't help but think there is another person guiding him at this time, influencing him to do things that, maybe, he wouldn't normally do.

Peacetoday gave good advice in that you should protect yourself financially and find a therapist to unload all this stuff onto --- someone with a face. smile

What I would do, if it were me? Place the bed outside, and change the locks. And start looking for another job (back in CO would be a good choice, far from his possible MLC). Take half the money out of the accounts and put it in your own personal one. If you can, get out of being accountable for any of his credit card spending. But, that's me. To me, he has run out of opportunities for hurting you --- don't let him carry on doing it. He has to go on his own personal journey, wherever that leads (and if this is MLC, it will be dark places and it's best if you weren't there then), and you on yours where you have control over your own life. Perhaps, down the line, your journeys may come together again, when he has sorted out his head. Where he can find out what it's like to live his life without depending on you and others in his family. Believe me, as Dr Phil says, if the OW will do it with him, they'll do it to them.

Anyway, this is my humble opinion. I hope whatever happens, that it is a soft landing for you. You deserve better than this. Take care of yourself first now.

To sum up:
Detach and get legal counsel
Detach and get personal counselling
Detach and protect yourself financially
Detach and get some personal boundaries in place


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Peace, Being Me, Lotus,

Thanks girls! Your responses made sense and give me strength.

I am going to approach this with as much calm and class as I can muster, I am going to get both legal and personal counseling. In the meantime I am preparing to leave and plan on if I can remain calm to simply ask H if there is something he would like to tell me and I will assume the answer will be no. So I will ask if he had someone in our condo while I was gone...will let things fall where they may and even if he says no, the feeling I've got in my gut is just too strong.

I am checking out as soon as I can and focus on myself, I am going to start driving this ship...and stand now for me and me only.

Just wish I could buy you all a nice drink with a tiny umbrella in it...

Cannot again express my gratitude for the wonderful support you've provided and you know I'll be back for more. Hope to be able to be there for you guys someday.

Could not still be standing if I did not get this awesome support.

Take care and I'll let you know which road I'll travel next.

Michele
M 42
H 41
Married 16 yrs
Together 23 yrs
D papers slow to progress
Taking many deep breaths and trying to keep eyes focused forward

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How are you, Michele? Just thinking about ya. smile


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Happy Thanksgiving, Chel! laugh


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Hi BeingMe,

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. It was really nice to see a quick note from you...the last couple of weeks have been not so great.

H made his plane ticket reservation for Dec. 9th and is headed to Montreal. Yesterday we went and had our signatures notarized on D settlement papers to be filed with court. H signed over title of the car to me and I've been doing my absolute best to detach and GAL. I've had some slip ups as we are unbelievably still living and working together. He also has not yet told his mom and sister he is leaving. Of course the drama queen picks the holidays but from reading some posts it appears this is a popular time. The countdown is on...I am not even sure if he will give the proper 2 weeks notice at work and I am dreading this upcoming week more than anything.

I've been very brief with my answers and have not initiated any R talk and told him many times "I'm sorry you feel that way", etc. Just trying to hold it all inside. My nephew is coming to stay for a week at the end of December so am focusing on the visit and over the weekend have put up some holiday decorations, tree, etc to make it festive for him as I know after Dec. 9th probably won't feel like doing much.

H has just turned a blind eye to anything and just blames everyone else and is putting all his hopes that this will make him happy. He hopes I can be happy one day too.

I been kind of at the point where there seems no other alternative to him leaving because he won't see a counselor, he won't give our marriage a try so just sitting around here together is not going to do any good. I believe he needs to take the journey it is just so difficult that it will be so far away. That makes it so permanent. However, I truly do need some alone time and no doubt there will be some relief not to walk on eggshells for awhile...we'll see.

I think of you off and on and it seems odd but at times we kind of feel like friends and can hang out once and awhile but that ugly, side of him frequents his personality now more often than not.

Take care and let me know how things are going in your world,
Michele

M 42
H 41
Together 23 yrs
M 16 yrs.
D papers signed 11/28/09
Date of Departure 12/9/09
Taking it 1 hr at a time

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Oh Chel. Things have really moved along quite fast. Perhaps this is a good thing. I think you are right, that he needs to go on this journey to see if it will make him happy or not. He doesn't realise how different Canada (and particularly Quebec) is to middle America. I lived in St. Louis, and in the 3 cities across Canada (I am also an immigrant to Canada from overseas). It is a culture shock, and it has taken me years to integrate, and having my family here helped me, while he is on his own. Who knows how much greener the grass is on the other side? Quebec is extremely cold too and it rains a lot.

I am glad that you are leaving it up to him to inform people, like his boss, and family. Although, they may ask you why you didn't warn them --- be prepared to answer them.

Our Thanksgiving is in early October, but thanks for the good wishes. I have so much for which to be thankful.

I am also glad you will someone with you over Christmas. It gives you someone else to focus on.

Take care.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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