How did I get here?

[wanttobebetter]

Jon - great advice. Appreciate your thoughts and advice. I hope I never have to deal with OM.

Lost the buddy card...I'll be using that one.

[wanttobebetter]

I do dread next week. The build up of her actually moving over a couple of evenings is going to be tough. I am looking forward to being able to sit in my house and breathe a sigh of relief when that is over.

[wanttobebetter]

Well she bought her furniture last night and is still full steam ahead.

I really don't want to drag this out and feel I am at that point. Since she has already given me the money for her half of an UC divorce, I think I am going to go ahead and just get the process started. I feel like I cannot allow her to do what she is doing and be the man/father I need to be. I feel like I need to see the boundary of her leaving as the one that once she crosses, there is no coming back.

If anyone has any advice on this, would LOVE to hear it.

[JayMan]

You can start the process - it is not a quick one. Even with an uncontested divorce, I'm guessing the minimum if it absolutely flies through would be 2 months, but it varies.

Just make sure that your boundaries are for you, and not like "I'll show HER." Review your statements like "I cannot allow her to do what she is doing."

You can't stop her from doing anything. Tell me what your reaction will be, not what you'll do to stop her?

For example, my W was incredibly disrespectful to me - and I laid down the law. Obviously, by choosing divorce, she has chosen to give up 50% of her children's lives. Her choice. I still send her pictures of our outings because she misses everything, and pass on anecdotes occasionally. Probably stupid, but I want her to be involved in the kids' lives. I simply told her that if she was ever disrespectful to me again, I would cut her off from every experience. I explained that I could not and would not control what she says, but I was establishing a boundary, and it was her choice to accept the consequences if she chose to cross it. So then, I establish what I will tolerate, but I leave the choice entirely in her hands.

It is a fine line - because when you try to say that they can't do something, it is perceived as an attempt to control - whether you mean it or not.

Start the process. She will have a few glorious months of being free and ready for anything, and on top of the world. It's exciting to feel like you're escaping your problems, but I guarantee it won't last long. What is important at this point is for you to detach, and start building your own new life. The worst case is that you become healthy and happy, the best case is that she realizes she's an idiot, and wants to move back in.

[wanttobebetter]

I agree with everything you are saying. I can tell already she is worried about money and other things that I always took care she is going to have to do. I have to allow her that experience.

I think I have to do like you said...worst case and best case. I think once I get going on my own even if she did come back, she would really have to make some changes...I would not want to put myself and my family through this again.

[Startingover2]

Agreed with Jon. Let her go out and eventually things will catch up with her. I briefly skimmed through your thread, but is there an OM?

My new motto is put that smile and happiness on your face. She will wonder what the heck you are doing. She thinks she can snap her fingers and you will take her back. Give her something to think about.

[wanttobebetter]

I sent her an email this morning defining my boundaries of the house that she is leaving and my plans for the weekend in dealing with our kids. I also let her know I plan on meeting the attorney and filing. I also told her she was being selfish with the comments about the kids will be fine.

That prompted a phone call...actually 3 because I would not answer. She tried to bait me into an argument and I did not let her. She said if I wanted her to fake it for the kids she would. I told her I did not want her to be unhappy and that I wished her well. She said she needs to move out so she can relax. I have no idea how she thinks moving with 3 kids into a 3 BR apt is relaxing but I know I cannot tell her that.

She wants to talk tonight - mainly about what she is taking from the house. I think she is still on the fence about separation vs divorce but I told her I needed to move forward in the proces for me. I also told her once she got out there on her own that to not come crying to me with problems. She fully understands this is her decision but I don't think she is ready to deal with it. I feel lost but somewhat strong. I don't let her bully me anymore like I got used to.

[wanttobebetter]

I am sure there are OM's out there swarming around her. She is attractive and gets the attention and I know she has talked to some of them. She said she may go on some dates and told me to date as well. So I will. I am not going to allow her to make those types of threats.

I don't have any real good proof other than catching her in lies but I'm sure someone is helping pull her strings along. Bad thing is my kids are caught up in it.

She said she didn't even care if we got divorced. She'll never get married again! (this is 2X for her)

[Startingover2]

I wouldn't date yet...but make her wonder if you are by being vague. It just messes with your head when you date too soon. I am 14 months since separation and I am just now starting to feel like I want to move on with my life....getting there is the problem.

She is probably on the fence because you opened the cage door and are releasing her. If you haven't read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson...get it! It talks about opening the cage door and releasing the ws and they all of a sudden don't like it and sometimes rethink. Seriously, its a good read.

Good luck with your meeting tonight!

[Energizer Bunny]

My sitch is at the same spot. I'm picking up the "Love Must be Tough" book today. Thanks Starting...