New Boundaries for the Bride

[frank_D]

Yeah, that seems a breach of confidence there....

Agreed. Our IC had permission to tell STBXW anything she deemed relevant, and STBXW told her it was ok to tell me the same.

Be careful Sleeper.

[frank_D]

Therapist told me that according to X there was a time about 5 months into our separation that she was open to reconcilliation. Problem was she never told me. I remember there was intermitent spew during this time.

The real problem here is that you are trying to use logic to solve an emotional / spiritual situation.

Stop. Just Stop.

You need to let her go. You need to stop the analyzing. You already know the answers. They have been presented to you over and over again.

You know this.

Really, you do.

I'll say it in case you aren't remembering....

Stop the cycle. Let her go. Don't answer the phone. Reply to voice mails with text if they warrant it. I.E. if the message is a 'just want you to know...' don't reply.

If it's about the kids, reply with text.

Lose the fear and be confident. This isn't over. However, you need to stop playing the game.

I believe in you.

[graceallday]

maybe because it sound like you therapist is more than just a therapist ...ie friend too...but I think i recall my C telling me it wasnt the greatest idea for us both to be in IC with the exact same C...I did go into C with his partner...she was a woman and my xh stayed with the male C, we did sign a paper that the C could share info....but we were dealing with some extreme things due to our older son...but anyway....I do remember when my h filed for D my xh C called me or I called him dont recall and now thinking about some of the things he told me....they probably were crossing the line...but I think that may be the thing...C are human...and I think at the end of the day..they try and just give you the tools to assist u...but they are ususally ethical people and have made some jusdgements about each persons heart..and I just imagine...their heart breaks a little too hearing the story u know.....and then they share some insights.....i think its human and bound to happen when they are involved in both sides......

[sleeper]

Now that it's been brought to my attention I think C did ask me not to repeat what he said. I was in shock about the whole thing, trying to assimilate the info and forgot.

Had a dream the other night. X was sitting looking at her wedding ring and crying. I was sitting near her looking at a picture of our D and crying. Made perfect sense to me.

Thanks Frank.

[frank_D]

Someone told me today that if you pray for something, and then obsess over it, then you don't have faith that your prayer will be answered.

A counselor told me that I have to 100% 'give' my stbx what she asked for - Divorce and all the things that come with it.

Stop answering the phone, let it go to voice mail. If she leaves a message that is a statement, like 'Don't forget to take D14 to counseling at 7' don't reply. You got the message.

If she leaves a message that requires a reply, send a text message.

If you have to talk on the phone, stay on topic. If the topic drifts, get back on topic.

In my case, and I think in yours, XW's do not want to break that connection with us because, in their heart, they know we were the best men for them and they fear not having that connection.

But, by allowing them to have it we are enabling them to put off the real consequences of their choices. We don't know what those are, only God does. But we aren't supposed to be part of that journey. In fact, our presence makes the journey take longer for them - and for us.

[sleeper]

Once again I hear you, Frank and I agree with you.

I think they also desire to keep a lifeline of sorts so if things don't work out in their new life they might return to us. I guess that's what people are refering to when they say "drop the rope."

C tells me in his opinion X's M to OMH won't last. He also tells me to move on with my life. Moving on is a win/win choice for us.

[sleeper]

I just love being divorced with children.

A couple of extended phone convos (trying to reduce contact) with X about kids last night resulted in another observation.

Basically DS has learned a new word, the kind you hope your child never uses. He told me he heard OM use it when just the two of them were in his car and a lady cut him off in traffic. DS even repeated the sentence. X called me to discuss an off-color website with a few choice words DS found while visiting
with Ladyfriend's kids. All totally normal stuff.

To make a long story short (impossible) OMH denies he ever usd the word in front of DS. I believe DS, X believes OMH, not that it really matters as I and X have used the word in front of the kids while arguing and the kids confirm that. I have made clear to DS that I believe him in the matter. He was in tgears about it last night.

What it does show (once again) is that OMH can do no wrong in X's eyes. What is even sicker is that OMH believes he can do no wrong. Of course he HAS done wrong as they broke up/got back together again several times during their courtship.

If he were a comic book character he'd be "The Teflon Turd".

I guess that makes me "The Magnet of Mayhem".

[graceallday]

sense of humor will get u through...keep it coming

[Andabelle]

So how does your boy feel about OMH now? It bothers me (I know it REALLY bothers you) that he is not very nice to your kids (and is a liar to boot).

Even though your X took Turd's side, she must see that DS is hurting. Do you think you could talk to her about it without it turning into a big fight? Your kids need a lot of reassuring, not exile to their bedrooms at dinner time. They can't always play second fiddle to OMH. Sometimes their needs will just have to come first. If approaching your X directly about it wouldn't work, maybe you could get it through to her via the IC back-channel.

I would watch the sitch over there very closely-- if it gets too unhealthy, you might have to pursue greater custody.

Why even care what X thinks about OMH? That's not important right now. Their drama is wearing you down.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself. You deserve a good life, and your kids need you.

[sleeper]

Kids don't think OM is actually mean to them (neither do I). OMH is just a big kid himself and likes to have fun (the kids enjoy that part). When this happened and OMH denied it I could see him as the little kid he is saying, "I didn't do it". He's so full of himself he probably thinks someone as perfect as he is would not have said that in front of a child so it's not possible he did. Of course the kids would rather X and I were together and they were with both of us all the time.

Both kids have mentioned that OMH is harder on DS than he is on DD. From time to time he yells at DS when DS isn't doing what OMH believes he should be doing (homework, chores, etc.).

I've noticed when I have no contact with OMH I can get irritated by what he is and the things he has facilitated. However I was surprised that when I had contact with him a few weeks ago my opinion of him softened quite a bit. I guess that shows he has some kind of charm and makes it more understandable to me that X would see only his good points and none of the bad.

I don't really care what X thinks of him. If they are meant to be then they will be, if not then they won't be. For the longest I've not really given OMH a second thought (I may have been too successful in pursuing that goal). However there have been and sometimes still are times when it seems as though he can do no wrong and I can do no right. My goal for a long time was simply to be "the better man." I am.

One of the negative side effects of being a pleaser.

I deserve a good "Life"?

Is that magazine still in print?

Where might I get one?