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#1840698 - 09/19/09 04:08 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: Andabelle]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
Yes, next time you tell the SOB to leave the examination room while your daughter is being treated. It's a no brainer. If he were the only one around and it was an emergency situation, that's one thing. In this case he had absolutely no business being there.


I'm not sure why you continue to dwell on all the minutiae of your ex-wife's psychosis. If it is some strange hope inside of you that she will one day recover from this "sickness", divorce OM, and come running back to you, I can only say that I think you are far beyond deluded.


Who cares what music is on her cell phone? Why are you even making note of it, let alone pondering the implications of the type of music she chooses for a ringtone, or the movie that it comes from?


Acceptance is the first step to recapturing a life that might amount to something rewarding and fulfilling. You continue to choose to live HER life, hoping against hope that a reconciliation is still around the corner. As long as you do this, you continue to be stuck.


We aren't hearing things about your new life. You haven't moved to Surviving for example, where we might all begin to believe that you are finally working on truly surviving.


You are stuck Sleeper.


I appreciate that we all have to reach acceptance in our own time and our own way, and perhaps this is just where you still are. But understand at least that this is NOT what you want your life to continue being.


I'm looking forard to the day that you finally step out on your own.


Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#1840820 - 09/19/09 10:50 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: Bworl]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: Bworl

Acceptance is the first step to recapturing a life that might amount to something rewarding and fulfilling. You continue to choose to live HER life, hoping against hope that a reconciliation is still around the corner. As long as you do this, you continue to be stuck.


Not only that but if she ever IS going to 'wake up' it's only going to be when she is jolted into the reality that Sleeper isn't living his life for HER.

Do what I am doing.

Don't take her calls. Ever. Unless you are expecting it and you know you need to have a conversation. Let her leave a message.

If the message is a question that isn't really important, send her a text message reply.

If the message is informational, there is no need to call back because you got the information.

If the message can't be easily resolved without a conversation, then call her but STAY ON TOPIC. Do not talk about personal things that do not have the kids as the topic.

You'll be amazed at how EMPOWERING this is. Think of her as the business associate you want to have minimal contact with. And you won't be trying to 'guess' what she's thinking because it doesn't matter.

And, what's really interesting, at least in my case, is that STBX is starting to come across as more uncomfortable / depressed when I do talk to her. She even left a message the other day and said "Well, I guess you can text me with your answer".

It's part of detaching. And moving on with your own life. It's not 'giving up'.

You have never let her feel what it's like to not have Sleeper at her beck and call.

It's funny that my STBX's OM is a 'puppy dog' also. No spine. No independent thoughts of his own.

You need to let go. Now.

And I agree with Bworl. If you are in a doctors office again, politely ask him to leave. He's not her father.
_________________________
Current Thread


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#1840870 - 09/20/09 02:46 AM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: frank_D]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Bworl, frank-D,

I hear what you are saying and for the most part cannot disagree with your observations.

I know the state of my mind and soul. It is what it is. I am not sure I can will myself to feel otherwise no matter how hard I might try. Truth is I have tried and had no lasting success. My next thread may be titled; "Man of LaMancha". Why not?

I felt good today. There was a moment this AM when X started to give me grief because I didn't conform to her schedule concerning the kids last night. I didn't let her run over me like I did during spew when I would respond to her as if she was mentally ill (just listen but not respond).

I let her have the kids this afternoon because it fit into my schedule, not because I was trying to be the better person.

I stood my ground today as she repeatedly attempted to set me up on a date. She knew she was pushing it as she asked if she was making me angry. I laughed and told her, "no". Finally I did not answer the phone the last time she called. I laugh out loud a lot when we talk on the phone now.

I have reached a degree of detatchment as I tried to guess her motivation for such a bizzare idea as me going out with someone she suggested. Maybe she is experiencing a little guilt, maybe a little uneasy that Ladyfriend and I may be getting serious. She commented she didn't want me to "just settle" for the first person I dated after her to which I responded, "Isn't OMH the first person you've dated?" and, "Since you keep saying, "no", you and Ladyfriend must be serious", to which I gave no response as it's none of her business.

She also mentioned that she told suggested blind date lady that since we've split up I have gotten my act together and I'm very handsome. Whatever.

Someone tell me what the h*ll is wrong with going for what you want and know in your heart, no, your soul to be right? Tell me what is wrong with fighting (even if against all odds) for a family to be reunited? Tell me why you think a little girl who was raped at age 35 months and a son who was basically neglected from 1 to 3 years of age while his parents fought the judicial system, an indifferent district attorney and a family with political clout and financial resources to guarantee a pedophile (who later admitted to assaulting 13 children) would not go free do not deserve a healed nuclear family. This mlc stuff is NOTHING, and I repeat, NOTHING compared to what we have already been through.

That woman is my soulmate. She is majorly messed up and legally married to another man but she is my soulmate. She is the mother of my children and I the father of hers. They are the only children she or I will ever have in this life (we touched upon that subject today on the phone). She gave me a "high five" in front of her cardboard husband today because I noticed something relatively insignificant was broken at what is now her business and fixed it. She mentioned on the phone she has decided to pay several thousands in back taxes (yeah, our business bookkeeper robbed us blind while we were distracted with the trial of our D's rapist) but she didn't demand I pay her half, instead jokingly mentioned I "owe" her.

I've never been to hell (my daughter has) but I have looked into the into the eyes of a demon. I have stood before one and listened to his twisted sickness as he described his desire for little girls. The ONLY reason I didn't kill him where he sat is because I promised my X I wouldn't. That was my intention but I promised her I wouldn't on the way there. If I hadn't promised that to her there wouldn't have been a two-year trial, we wouldn't be where we are and I wouldn't be on this site. She has actually mentioned she wished she hadn't asked me to promise her that and I had killed him. She has also said she intends to kill him when he gets out of prison. She never mentioned that to me until AFTER her mlc began.

As I proof-read this I realize how shocking words like "kill" and "killed" must seem to some. Until you have (and I hope you never) experienced an assualt upon your own children you cannot understand.

I'm burned and I know it. You want to hear something funny? I have no desire to see or go to ANY movie with a horror theme. It's not a conscious decision, I'm just not interested. That is about as far as I can explain it.

I'm not posting this to say I'm right or anything. I want you guys and others to tell me what you think whenever you want. I give your opinions/observations great consideration.

You may be right about my approach and I may be all wrong.


Edited by sleeper (09/20/09 02:55 AM)
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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#1840924 - 09/20/09 09:07 AM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: sleeper]
whitneypinch Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/08
Posts: 561
Loc: Canada
I have a 6 year old daughter and I can't imagine what you must have went through. I understand those words you use as well. I think I would feel like beating him within an inch of his life. I am sooooo sorry for the pain you and your family must feel.

I too no longer watch movies of negative or violent nature. I only want to see uplifting events.

Sending you thoughts of understanding !!!
_________________________
Me/W: 46/36
D7.6/S6
T/M: 7.5/6.5
Bomb 12/05/07
D final: 03/03/09




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#1840963 - 09/20/09 01:04 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: whitneypinch]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion

Quote:
...beating him within an inch of his life.


I did.
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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#1840984 - 09/20/09 01:44 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: sleeper]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
All of your words in your post are valid. I too feel like my STBX is my 'Soulmate'. I believe God brought us together for a reason. Call it 'balance' if you like.

We just need to find our own souls purpose right now. If that happens then God may bring all of us back together.

The problem is that we can keep feeding the sickness. That's what you're doing. You keep feeding it instead of starving it. I did the same thing.

It is by truly disconnecting that you'll change the dynamic. You will. Honest.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to restore your family. What's wrong is that you think you have the power to do it. Only God can do that. You're getting in the way.

Stop the cycle. THAT you CAN do. When it stops the healing on both sides will begin.

Then the miracle will happen.
_________________________
Current Thread


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#1841017 - 09/20/09 03:48 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: frank_D]
Andabelle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/08
Posts: 1064
If you are unequivocally still standing, maybe you should rethink your R with LF.

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#1841077 - 09/20/09 07:21 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: Andabelle]
forward Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 4046
Sleeper,
Your situation is one of the most painful on this board and I do feel for you. However, I think I have to agree with others on this board that you must take care of yourself now, try to detach so that you can have some silence and peace to reflect on yourself.

You may feel your W is soulmate, but evidently she does not feel the same way. She might feel that way in the future, but you must give her more space, too.

Watch the movie "Scenes from a Marriage."
_________________________
M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
X has major medical issues
New Woman - died.
Remarried to new guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D


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#1841116 - 09/20/09 09:07 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: Andabelle]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Quote:
...maybe you should rethink your R with LF.


I am.

I had been separated for 23 months and divorced for for 7 when we first went out. Try as I might my heart is not with her. I do love her and she loves me just the same. There are many types of love. From time to time we have had R talks and I believe we need to have another one.


Edited by sleeper (09/20/09 09:09 PM)
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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#1841121 - 09/20/09 09:17 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: forward]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Quote:
...you must give her more space, too.


I've always wanted to visit, maybe live in Alaska. The closest I've come is Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada. Last spring I actually began to research communities in Alaska looking for one to which I might move. Then my mom fell and broke her hip and I feel plans such as that have been put on hold for a while.
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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