Unstoppable

[NoCodeBlues]

I have a mind to have a special talk with S8, to lay it all out for him once and for all. It would summarize everything I've been saying to him piecemeal for many months now. Something like:

S8, S5, I have already expressed to you that I disprove of OM as a person being thrust into your lives. You already know pretty much what I think about him. I don't won't to elaborate those points yet again, but I will if you think you need to hear it once more.

Your mother continues to try to involve this person in your lives, which is another thing I greatly disprove of. But while it is very unwise of her to involve you two in what should be her private relationship, it is still her prerogative to do so -- so long as no direct harm comes to either of you as a result.

Given that this puts me and your mother at an empasse, I think it best that you and I refrain from ever discussing your mother's boyfriend or their relationship. Unless there is something illegal or otherwise damaging to either of you, I don't need to hear anything about it.

So, S8 -- I am mostly talking to you here -- unless something serious is going on that I really need to know about as your father -- and we can briefly discuss what some of those might be, if you think necessary -- you need to just put Mr. OM completely out of your mind when you are with me. We will not discuss him and you will cease telling me of his exploits. They are totally irrelevant to you and to me. If you do mention him, I will ask you once if it is necessary, and if I deem it is not, we will drop the subject. Got it?

Likewise, if I ever mention him, then you can remind me of the same. There are a ton of other, much nicer things for us to talk about.

And the same should be true for when you are with your mommy -- she doesn't need to know any of the details about the people I associate with as well. As long as they are not a threat to you or your brother, it is likewise none of her business. Right?

Right.

Now, in all likelihood this lesson and policy will stick in S8's easily-distracted brain for all of a day before he slips up and breaks it.

[bright_new_day]

Don't do it. It is pointless. You have no control over who X brings into their lives, and putting your sons into a position where they will feel as if they are betraying you will only make things harder for them.

[Yoyowife]

NC,

I don't believe you should have the conversation with S8 either. Remember he is a child. Kids are easily distraced. If he brings something up about the OM and XW, change the subject to boy scouts or something else much more pleasant to talk about.

Believe me, I know how you feel when you hear the OM's name. My jaw clenches and I have to bite my tongue not to say something rude. I have to remember no matter how I feel about their dad, he is their dad and they have every right to love him. It's not their fault he chose to betray me. Why should they have to hear my frustrations?

[dday101798]

Ummm, when did Harvard open a grade school?

This is the perfect example of what NOT to discuss with your kids man, seriously. If you take this approach, not only will it just sink in for a day (and your 5 year old is going to have no idea what the F you're talking about anyway) I certainly hope you are ready for the fall out.

That little presidential address to the union of a 5 and 8 year old there is a prime example of how to paint the other parent the bad guy, an A NUMER ONE NO-NO and will do more damage than good and potentially turn them against YOU for defimating their own mother! Yeah, there's a point in it's own, she may be your ex-wife BUT: She is still their mother

NCB, if you really feel inclined to say something, keep it simple (read as on a kid level, not doctorate), just as I did to mine where the listening ears were 10 and 11(really about 7): "hey guys, dad can't control what what happens and who is around at Mom's place. Unless you feel you've been hurt or wronged in some way, dad doesn't really want to talk about it, ok? Let go get some ice cream!" Done!

[NoCodeBlues]

Okay, brevity is the soul of wit (and reason) -- I get that, point taken.

Realistically, the most the conversation would entail would
likely be, "S8, we're just not going to ever discuss Mr. OM again. Okay? Let's not go there." Much as it's ever been.

And yes, a 2x4 might be called for, but I'm not sure where the zeal to bust my chops is coming from here. If the advice is to tell me to simply clam up around my own kids, fine. No need to take my head off.

But I am starting to second-guess some of this "common wisdom" I hear. Perhaps someone might care to explain for me exactly how they think this is supposed to work. Seriously, help me with this. Explain for me the rationale of how one parent clamming up and continually avoiding the subject about the elephant that's standing there in the room with them would somehow help my kids learn how to deal with pachyderms. Especially when that same elephant has no intention of also practicing discretion. Denying them their questions -- and S8 always, always has questions -- only leads to frustration and distrust on their part.

Tell me how to thread that Gordian knot.

And Dylan, paradoxically I find myself constantly defending xW as their mother. When bedtime rolls around and their mother still hasn't called them to say goodnight -- especially on one of her OM date nights -- I have to try to distract them or to cover for her. I always encourage them to love and respect her, as their mother.

[dday101798]

You needn't say anything more to them then I've already said, you can't control what happens and who is there, only she can.

I understand your concern and desire to protect your children from a parasitic slime ball the size of an elephant, I was there too. And I drove myself nuts. Finally, I got smacked upside the head with the very same advice I am giving you right now and everybody's life life got a ton better.

let me put it to you this way. You didn't put that elephant in the room. Let the one WHO DID handle that. And stand your ground if she balks on a answer for them, reittirate, you can't control what happens or who is there, end of discussion.

That by no means is clamming up. It is an omission to deal with a circumstance you did not create. And they in turn will continually then go to the one who did create it.

My kids turned out just fine doing exactly that. And they knew soon enough on their own to not even bring anything up.

As for the paradox. Again, what can YOU do about it. Nothing. If they are upset and want to know why mom hasn't called them, simply "I'm not sure, maybe she's busy (if you feel inclined throw in the notion that they can call her), but it's not your job to make excuses for her to them. In their own time the longer it continues, they will not bother to ask, they will not bother to get wonder, they will know on their own.

Sorry man, but when you posted that up as this what you're going to say, I freaked the hell out. You've been wound up waaaaay to tight over the OM issue for far, far, too long. Let it go.

[NoCodeBlues]

I am without my S's this weekend -- don't get them back until late Christmas Eve.

I went to our bible study group / dinner party last night. We did something different by all of us bringing our own recipe(s) for various Christmas cookies. We all got to together in the kitchen preparing and baking and conversing. It was a good time.

I was supposed to go to another Christmas party this evening but got caught up in too many errands today, including having lunch with a couple of friends visiting from out of town and finishing up their own Christmas shopping. I hadn't seen them in a long time. But now I'm too pooped to go out again.


I am now a bit angry and hurt having gotten off the phone with my two S's this evening, just a few minutes ago. I had tried to call them earlier several times but no one answered. They finally called me back from xW's cell phone about 45 minutes later. They were on the road with their mother headed over to the OM's place to (and I quote) "camp out inside Mr. OM's house."

The operative word here is "inside". So xW is now taking my S's for a sleep-over inside OM's home. WHen they supposedly camped outdoors they were pushing the envelope. Now xW is brazenly violating our parenting agreement by sleeping under the same roof with another man with our children right there in her custody. I am beside myself right now.

It wouldn't have been so bad but the purpose of my call, as always, was to talk to my S's about their day and to wish them a good night, however they called me back and the first thing out of S8's mouth were words of cover-up and excuse for what was about to transpire this evening. I could hear xW in the background not only interfering with my conversation with our S's but coaching and correcting him in what to say. The whole call was a sham and I feel like I can no longer have a decent conversation with my kids when she is trying to put the big chill on what they can say.

I feel now like I am losing my S's to her immorality. I fear that by the time they understand the depths of the damage that she is inflicting on their fragile moral compasses, it will be too late. And the fact that she has them trying to cover for her and they're going along with it just disenheartens me absolutely.

I could raise this with my L, but all that will get me is another hourly charge. Sad to say, in our so-called justice system, a complaint by a father just does not have the impact as it does for a mother. A father just does not command the same respect as a mother does in a court of law. My complaint is likely to fall on deaf ears. But if I don't defend my position and at least say something against this violation of our agreement, then it becomes tantamount to consenting to it.

I am tempted to drive all the way over there and get my kids out of that situation, but again the law won't ever back me on that one.

This is wrong. Just damnably wrong. And the World doesn't give a crap.

I never, ever in my darkest nightmares would have thought my former W capable of ever doing something so Godless and heinous, not her.

[karen43]

I want to say I'm sorry; I haven't been through that at least not yet, but that's gotta be the hardest thing to go through. I have some of the same worries about you with the kids being damaged by their dad's actions, but I have to believe everything will be ok. They do have good role models, and I also have a lot of great friends and I think my kids learn from them too.

Do you meet with the parenting coordinator soon? Sounds like you really need to!! I know you had a couple of other serious issues, and this is one to add to the top of the list. Then I think you need to pray (I pray for my X every day), and then let it go as much as you can and leave it in God's hands.

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, Karen, I appreciate your thoughts on this. They're in line with how I have been feeling.

I had a conversation with some of my DC friends this weekend and I mentioned this infraction to them, seeking their advice. Their responses pretty much covered all the mixed emotions I have been struggling with.

In the end, I have decided to notify the parenting coordinator (PC) in writing about this new development, but to fully expect nothing significant to come of it -- instead I will move onward knowing that I have at least documented this with a court-appointed official.

The key thing is I have to realize (again) these things my ex does are beyond my capacity to affect -- and that I must put her and her hangups in God's hands. My problem is that I have continued to forget to let go and let God -- and that tenet needs to be ingrained in my whole being. I think I am getting there.

The other thing I have to do, and this has been coming out more and more through everyone I talk to and every action I see and in things I am noticing in general, is to restart moving on with my life, to re-begin the GAL efforts I had been progressing so well upon prior to the D and the custody battle that followed this Summer. I believe there is a time to move on down the road of life and a time to seek cover and entrench. The Summer of 2009 and much of this year was a time that I found I needed to hunker down and weather the storms. But it is now well past time that I move on down the road, to take this journey forward again.

None of this is going to be easy, mind you. But then no one ever said it would be. For one thing, I'm still dealing with the financial aftermath of the legal battles, and I have a long row to hoe to get me out of that debt. It will be tough, but I am determined to begin to enjoy the path I am on, as there is no other.

I fully expect my ex to continue to try to make my life miserable. I will let her make her repeated attempts and learn to ignore her completely. She is now a closed chapter in the book of my life and I need to concentrate on penning the next exciting chapter of NCB.

[dday101798]

The other thing I have to do, and this has been coming out more and more through everyone I talk to and every action I see and in things I am noticing in general, is to restart moving on with my life, to re-begin the GAL efforts I had been progressing so well upon prior to the D and the custody battle that followed this Summer. I believe there is a time to move on down the road of life and a time to seek cover and entrench. The Summer of 2009 and much of this year was a time that I found I needed to hunker down and weather the storms. But it is now well past time that I move on down the road, to take this journey forward again.

That's the ticket!

As to the violations of the parenting agreement, in mine, the first step in comflict resulution is to notify the other parent in writing of a complaint and they in turn are supposed to reply accordingly. If the matter is not resolved that way, then it returns to court. My (x)W learned I wasn't messing around with that. $.02