Newbie (again)

[karen43]

[quote]
It's almost as if they want and needto think you're still stuck and suffering for them. It's like a weird sadism on their part, as well as a source of pride too.

I think that's part of the script they have. I've seen that too. I think it'll be a good thing for them (to face reality) when you start dating.

[dday101798]

[quote=NoCodeBlues]

It's almost as if they want and needto think you're still stuck and suffering for them. It's like a weird sadism on their part, as well as a source of pride too.

I think that's part of the script they have. I've seen that too. I think it'll be a good thing for them (to face reality) when you start dating.

Well, I would certainly say it's an ego boost. I mean to sit there and think "hey, cool, I did all this stuff to this person, left them for dead for so-and-so and yet they still can't get over me! I must be something really special!".

[dday101798]

Ok, well it's off to see if they can physically find a loose screw in my head with yet another CT scan.

Then tomorrow, it's the "big show" with the shrink, yea.

[mishka422]

No sad faces there Dylan! Shrinks aren't all bad!

[dday101798]

No sad faces there Dylan! Shrinks aren't all bad!

Yeah, ok. My stomach already sank this morning and like a little wuss cried half way into work this morning. There's a lot of doors I have that need to stay shut and my brief experience with these people is that they are like a 4 year old in a different house, they are so damn curious and start going from one closed door to the next to see what's behind them.

In trying to summarize what lurks behind each one, it's what defines me, one bad experience after another, but I need it, I survived it, but I'm sick of surviving, and I'm surely can't put on the show anymore that Im fine when I'm not. I've been doing this crap for 25 years at least and I'm just done. I'm so tired of this one day I'm great and the next I'm crap. Just done. I can't believe I let my guard down so much to get myself in to this situation. I should have NEVER gotten married, and I should have NEVER had kids. Proclomations I made a long, long time ago, and one marriage, 2 kids, and a god damn divorce later here I am.

Sorry, prepratory rant.

[mishka422]

No apologies for ranting D. That's what we're here for.

Now....stop the NEVER and EVER statements! Stop them right now. That fatalistic attitude is keeping you where you are. Why do I know this? I USE THE SAME STATEMENTS!

Yes, shrinks open those doors. They open them because the things hidden behind them have to be let out into the light of day. Trust me, it's not pretty and there will be a lot more tears before you get to the happy, but they are all worth it. Every week I walk into therapy with the determination not to cry this week. I cry every time, apologize to the therapist for my breakdown, and she reminds me that I have to let it out and crying is my medium for that.

I too have a lot of things hidden deep inside that I don't share with anyone but she is pulling them out of me one at a time. I am finally opening up some old wounds and that is healing them. They were full of poison that had been sealed inside when I let it scar over. No more. They are getting out. It continues to amaze me how one horrible experience really defined the rest of my life even though I was sure I wasn't letting it. Never try to be your own therapist! It definitely doesn't work.

You are going to make it through this. Give it an honest chance Dylan. Just think....they can't make it any worse than it is and in the long run you will grow and mature in ways you thought were impossible.

[dday101798]

Well, there in lies the problem in my opinion. I need those old wounds. They remind me of who I bacame, what I've endured, who not not to become and most importantly, how what I do effects my kids. What I don't need is the vile venom injected in them by a person whom I entrusted my everything to. A person who took that everything away and cursed me the same horrid things done by the last two people whom I've completely x'd out of my life since I was so non-desireable to theirs. I just want her out of my head, but that can't possibly happen. It's just all so confusing. Worst of all, I'm spending money on this that I don't have, so something better become of it.

[mishka422]

What you get out of it will depend on the attitude you go into it with. If you go in there expecting them to hurt your more than help then that is what will happen.

Decide that it will be helpful and beneficial to talk through your issues and it will be!

[karen43]

Well, there in lies the problem in my opinion. I need those old wounds. They remind me of who I bacame, what I've endured, who not not to become and most importantly, how what I do effects my kids.

I don't think you can ever lose those experiences and how they affect you today. I mean, I know the hardest, toughest things in my life have made me who I am and generally a stronger person. But it's also good not to shut stuff inside and not deal with it. I tend to be a stuffer by nature, so instead of getting angry or whatever emotion I should be expressing, I just stuff it inside and get migraines. In 2007, when I was going through X's EA/PA I was having them basically every day at that point!!! Now it's prob. about once a month...

When I first started going to therapy about 18 months ago, I would go in and cry the whole time. Then I just cried less and less every time, until I had pretty much expressed a lot of the sadness and anger I had bottled up inside really for most of my life. I think maybe I had to do that to get to the point where I now feel a lot healthier and happier...

[dday101798]

Thanks ladies, I'll do my best to keep my outlook positive. What really gets to me right now, today especially is reading through all you situations and your XHs are being complete douche-nozzles when it comes down to being a father and here I sit missing the hell out of my kids everyday and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it and someone else has been slid in to my place. Yeah, "I'm not good enough", I'm "such a horrible person", when all I care about is those kids.

I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be for those kids now to be riding around with that POS driving one of 'our' cars. Funny she claims it as 'hers', I can only wonder how many times the kids have slipped up and said are we taking "dad's car" since I'm the one that drove it all the time.