I'm new wondering if this works...

[Stronger]

H4L
When we tell you to do things for you, we mean you have to do everything FOR YOU, including your changes.

Here's why....if you are making positive changes for him, you're going to be disappointed when he doesn't seem to care or notice. If you are making positive changes for you, and you like them, then alls good. You are putting way too much into his reactions to everything.

Here's the new attitude that's carried me a very long way, prepared me.....I am the prize. Truly I am. I have made great changes that STRONGER likes and if H will benefit from my changes good for him. If my coworkers and friends benefit from changes, good for them too. But the changes are for ME.

Back to the prize thing....I'm a good catch. I act like it. I've even told H as much. "You think you can do better than this....well, I doubt it, but that's really your call."

If you act like the prize, you become it. If you act like a confident woman, you become one. If you act like you're falling apart inside, you will.

You, like me, are the prize.

[Butterfly1]

Coach = Well maybe emotionally and financially he is. Mostly emotionally. The fact that I engage and not detach allows him to kill my sense of self. How do I not do this?

[Coach]

Coach = Well maybe emotionally and financially he is. Mostly emotionally. The fact that I engage and not detach allows him to kill my sense of self. How do I not do this?

So the answer is no. So figure out where you are. What resources do you have? What's the plan for moving forward?

Detaching is just letting go of the outcome. Stop being afraid of divorce (it won't kill you). You control your thoughts, actions, and feelings.
Think thru it - he is going to serve you with D papers. How are you going to handle it? You don't control whether he does or not. He expects you to be scared, hysterical, undone and crushed. That's how he controls you. Change the dynamic. Be strong, confident and wise. Then see who gets scared.


Cheers

[Butterfly1]

Stronger - ok, I'm working on the prize. Ugh. I have to pull away from all his blame. It just gets to me and destroys the prize. I have to find a way to feel like the prize even though he sees me as the problem to escape from. It's not true and I need to find a way to not buy into it.

Man I wish I was 'STRONGER' like you!

[Butterfly1]

Right on Coach (and Stronger). You are so right. Thank you!

[Butterfly1]

He's stomping around the house this morning, growling, getting his papers in order. Big show. I think I'm going to leave the house now! I feel myself feeling scared again. Towards life! He won't kill me!

[Stronger]

Hope...what would happen if you "backboned" him? Meaning, show him yours?

[Butterfly1]

I am not quite sure what you mean by backbone him - can you please explain?

Actually, I just left the house this am, and after work took a walk and psyched myself up again. I pumped up my anger at his bad behavior, instead of cringing in pain. I worked myself up to feel my power, and everytime I felt scared of his anger, felt myself walking on eggshells to please him I told myself I was not going to do it. I talked myself into some self esteem and personal power.

Lo and behold the crazy wild bull that was chasing me around the ring this morning was a more rational human being when he arrived for dinner - like my old H again.

He's all over the map!

But like I said, they are psychic or something. They can sense the fear = like a wild animal.

God knows what I'll be faced with tomorrow, but I was proud that I took all your advice and decided to brush myself off again and focus on ME. FOR ME. NOT TO PLEASE HIM. That is truly good stuff.

[Butterfly1]

So the answer is no. So figure out where you are. What resources do you have? What's the plan for moving forward?

Detaching is just letting go of the outcome. Stop being afraid of divorce (it won't kill you). You control your thoughts, actions, and feelings.
Think thru it - he is going to serve you with D papers. How are you going to handle it? You don't control whether he does or not. He expects you to be scared, hysterical, undone and crushed. That's how he controls you. Change the dynamic. Be strong, confident and wise. Then see who gets scared.

THanks Coach. This got me through the day and turning around my attitude to a PMA!

[BigJohn]

H4L
When we tell you to do things for you, we mean you have to do everything FOR YOU, including your changes.

Here's why....if you are making positive changes for him, you're going to be disappointed when he doesn't seem to care or notice. If you are making positive changes for you, and you like them, then alls good. You are putting way too much into his reactions to everything.

Here's the new attitude that's carried me a very long way, prepared me.....I am the prize. Truly I am. I have made great changes that STRONGER likes and if H will benefit from my changes good for him. If my coworkers and friends benefit from changes, good for them too. But the changes are for ME.

Back to the prize thing....I'm a good catch. I act like it. I've even told H as much. "You think you can do better than this....well, I doubt it, but that's really your call."

If you act like the prize, you become it. If you act like a confident woman, you become one. If you act like you're falling apart inside, you will.

You, like me, are the prize.

Hope,

I like this post by Stronger- she really hit the nail on the head. This is where you need to get to with your thinking. Once you get there, you are the one with the power- just like Stronger.

Your H- like my W in my sitch- is playing with fire. They have a good thing going with us but right now they are too fogged out to realize it. Felix better get his marbles together before it's too late.

Take care.