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This morning she's feeling depressed, says she feels like she wants to sleep all day, saying she's feeling bad about last night, asking if I'm OK, saying she's not sure she can do 5 months of this, it's too long.

Need to give her space today...

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She scared herself. The pull back is to be expected.

Give her room and no pressure. Acting like nothing happened would not be a bad idea. If she wants to talk about it, then talk, but keep it light.


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I expected that. You pull back from pursuiting her, she pursuits/chases you, then you stop detaching, and she pulls back again. You need to detach and when she shows signs of interest then not completely go back into pursuit mode. Unless you want to keep doing this over and over for the next 5 months or even longer.


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karen43 #1850047 10/05/09 12:13 AM
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Yeah - I know. Stay detached. Didn't really spend a lot of time with her today.

Actually, she's really been struggling today, feeling depressed. She was by herself for a good while, she said that she had a good cry.

We talked briefly about how it was fun to go out last night, then she said, "but it got out of hand. We can't do that again. I'm not going to drink anymore."

Well, we're doing pizza and a movie tonight. Back into family mode. I guess I was hoping, last night, that this was a turning point - but patience. I know. Doesn't happen overnight.

In the meantime, I know I can't pursue. Just need to continue to detach.

Retro is next weekend.

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Sheesh.

The Retro people called a little while ago, wanted to speak to us both to complete the registration. W refused to do so, saying that she's not going to go if they require her to get on the phone. Finally she did, listened for a little while, but cut the woman off and handed the phone back to me.

Well, she did register us, even though she didn't finish the deal.

W is really touchy and raw... she is unconvinced this is going to do any good - saying the phone call was a control thing, these people aren't real therapists, the religion aspect really bothres her, she doesn't want to be talking to anyone about our R, she'd rather we use the time to just "go have fun."

I explained that from my understanding, it's just a matter of us talking to each other. We're not receiving counciling.

She still says she'll go because I'm asking her to. Is afraid of giving me false hope. I told her, let me worry about my own stuff. She said that she is where she is on this, and that this doesn't seem appropriate because she's not in the space of "working on it."

Said that we're not the typical couple, we don't hate each other - everyone that's privy to our situation says we're not typical.

Said the woman was patronizing and she found it offensive, getting her on the phone was simply a control thing. The sort of thing she hates about therapists and religion.

Well, she packed up and went to bed.

She is so raw right now.

I'm just really scared now. I do have a lot of hopes pinned on this, although I won't admit it to her. I really hope she doesn't back out here before Friday.

I've got to tread lightly.

I don't know what else to do now except pray.

Some weekend.

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Sounds fine to me. Just go. They are not controlling. They don't use religion to control you. She will see what it is. She won't be the first difficult case to walk through the door. I once heard of a wife who tried to run the husband down in the parking lot before their retrouvaille weekend. Leaders came out and talked them into staying for the weekend. They not only stayed for the weekend, they reconciled, and now they are Retrouvaille leaders themselves. Who knows? Maybe they will be at your session!

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It sounds like she's preparing to waffle out of the weekend if at all possible. Be prepared for that. If she does, I wouldn't just go somewhere and have fun with her. If she doesn't choose to work on your marriage, then I think you will have to pull back, detach, and stop the cake-eating. Even if she does go, you need to try to remain detached, be strong, no one weekend is going to make or break your marriage.

Your W sounds like a typical WAS mess, and like living on a rollercoaster. You need to detach from that, so you don't have so many ups and downs....






Last edited by karen43; 10/05/09 04:14 PM.

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karen43 #1850869 10/06/09 04:32 AM
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Thanks guys -

We seem to be still on.

Pretty uneventful night. We watched TV together. Then she went off to her room.

Funny, she touched my arm at dinner, and I thought, oh, we're starting the cycle again.

Yeah, trying to keep my head on straight, Karen.

I dropped off paperwork for my lawyer today. Not looking forward to this phase.

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Quote:
Pretty uneventful night. We watched TV together. Then she went off to her room.
2 suggestions: if you do that again, then you try to leave the room first. Also, more GALing please, watching TV doesn't count!!! GALing is good for you and takes the pressure/pursuit off your W. Very important part of DBing.
Quote:
I dropped off paperwork for my lawyer today. Not looking forward to this phase.
Totally sucks, but remember your W is going through this too, and will give her a dose of reality hopefully.


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karen43 #1851456 10/07/09 01:33 AM
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Well, I worked much of the night, and you know, Heroes was on after that. Well, I've got my DivorceCare meeting tomorrow, that'll get me out of the house. Have band practice on Thursdays, but has been getting cancelled a lot lately.

Talked to C, she said that W seems very confused, or scared to trust me with her heart. Said W responds to me backing off, so don't let her eat cake anymore.

W is still depressed - says she can't get up the gumption to do what she needs to. She hugged me for a long while tonight. Said "you're a really good guy..."

Says that she's thinking about sleeping at home for Retro. I told her I asked about that, but they said it wouldn't work with the program. She laughed it off, said it was silly. She's determined to take back some amount of control with this thing...

Yeah, dose of reality - hope that goes well. Feel like, when the guns come out it'll be hard to put them away. Well, who knows, it's inevitable. Yeah you're right, she did it too. Not like I can just lie down.

Thanks Karen smile

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