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#1829040 - 08/31/09 06:42 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Lost Rabbit]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Nice to see you over this side, Rabbit! Yes, your H and mine sound like alien-clones right now!!

My counsellor asked me today how life would be if H does not ever return and I almost lost it but when I regained my composure, I had to say that life would still go on ... it would be uncertain, unappetising and unappealing and an overwhelming experience for me but I had to admit that in doing what I am currently doing in starting to detach, I have got stronger and so would undoubtedly manage to get by. It's not palatable, of course, but the strong words from Gucci Loafer and the massive support from the ladeez, who are my buddies here have made me realise that what I do, I have to do for myself now - not my H. I just wish that I could have faced up to this before I left it so long and I urge anyone that can, to do so.

Inside, I am still struggling like h*ll and wanting my H to come home, every single minute of every single day. What I have learned though is to take the baby steps and set small mile-markers for myself. If I can make it through one day, I can make it through another.

My big goal at the moment is to remain dark for one month - this is a day by day, week by week process and I am hoping that H will break the silence before then but when and if I do reply, it has to be in a way that tells him that I am holdling the reigns and we will dance to my tune.

If he does not join in, I am already hatching my LRT - Last Resort Technique. Anyhow, more of what we know to be working and stop what we known which is not. Learn a few mantras - they help!

People here become like your family and I find myself sitting in bed sometimes thinking, "I must get up now and see how Oz, JCJ, Cas and Rabbit are doing" ... we get wrapped up in one another and that is a good thing. We are living each others pain in our own unique ways but the bottom line is all the same - we are hurting, our H's mostly have ow (does yours - are you sure?) and we all want to be reconciled with the men that we love. Surely, that's the biggest bond between us and if we can help each other up each rung of this hideously tall ladder, then we will have done something good for woman-kind and we will all reap our rewards, wherever it is that we can enjoy them the most. (Chocolate Heaven sounds OK to me)!!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1829047 - 08/31/09 07:03 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
MrBond Online   content
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9864
Good luck.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#1829048 - 08/31/09 07:06 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: MrBond]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Thanks mate! It's taking all of my effort right now but Day Six tomorrow ... yay!

How are you doing??
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1829053 - 08/31/09 07:12 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Nell, tram flap is breast recon using tissue from a donor spot most often abdo

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#1829055 - 08/31/09 07:14 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
MrBond Online   content
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9864
My sitch has gotten much better over the past week.

I had reached the point where I had attracted my W back and felt it was time to call her out on her disrespectful attitude. I wrote her a lengthy email to which she didn't verbally respond to, but has been making some changes that I mentioned.

The fact is, if she were to leave tomorrow, I'd be fine. If she stays, I'll be fine. I can live with or without her.

Like I first mentioned to you. You need to command respect from your H. If not, he will continue to walk all over you. Get his attention first and then you will decide if YOU still want him.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#1829058 - 08/31/09 07:22 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: dolphin_05]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Wow Cas - you live and learn. There's me a nursey and didn't even know it was called that!! I'm in OSH/Rehab, so can probably be excused - as well as being a 'new' Aussie citizen so not up with all the lingo, yet!

That's what gets my goat actually when H comes over and tries out some new Aussie phrases - obviously taught to him by ow. It was only time really, I told him - "you've embraced this new life so well you were bound to get yourself a Sheila" - he didn't like that!

Makes me spew that we came here on my qualifications too - he would never have qualified on his own ... something which I wish I could take off him now (citizenship) and for which he says he will be forever indebted to me .... unlike our M then!
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1829059 - 08/31/09 07:23 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: MrBond]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Nell, what did your counsellor think of your 'going dark' approach?

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#1829079 - 08/31/09 08:03 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: MrBond]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Can't call you on that advice Stuck - you are right. I just think that it comes to all of us at different times - right now I am receptive and not reactive but next week I may be different. I feel that this is the difference between Venus and Martians!

I'm glad that your sitch has become better and that you have realised that you will be fine, either outcome. That is empowering, whichever way you look at it.

At the moment, I'm prepared to try going dark for a month and then look at options. Is that timeline reasonable, too long, too short ... comments please?? Don't forget, this is a man who is ADAMANT that our M is over so I don't want to let his leash out too long.

Any other pearls of wisdowm??
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1829343 - 08/31/09 02:20 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
MrBond Online   content
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9864
"Is that timeline reasonable, too long, too short ... comments please??"

Only you will know when you've had enough. Again this is not a "strategy" per se. Let's put it this way. If he doesn't contact you after a month, what will you plan to do? Or more importantly, what do you plan to do in the month that you are going dark? You still haven't mentioned that.

"I don't want to let his leash out too long."

Here again, you want to have some kind of control over his actions. You can't control him. He doesn't have a leash right now. He's out roaming the neighborhood and may never come back. You have to live with that reality and just detach.

To detach is to live your life the way you want to. Make that your priority. Detachment. There's a saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back it was meant to be."
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#1829561 - 08/31/09 07:01 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: MrBond]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Hey Nell

You are really full steam ahead with the programme and good for you. I on the other hand feel I have gone backwards.

As stuck said what do you plan to do during the month of going dark? Any luck with any jobs yet? I really hope something turns up for you soon it will make a huge difference to your day.

Oz
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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