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Chel, how are you today? You are doing the right thing by having your own lawyer, you have to do that. It is very important.

What I think might be happening is this. These people meaning your husband and the ow are living in a fantasy land. You do not live there, and neither does the US or Canadian governments. And because he lives in this fantasy that all should have gone the way they wanted it to and has not he has to stick it out at home. He can't afford to live anywhere else right now. He may be depressed, but he may also be stuck and blaming you for his own mistakes and bad choices.

What I can say about my own experience is that I lived with my x for a while when he did not want me. It was hell on earth. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Without going into the details I chose me. The hardest choice I ever had to make, to leave to person I loved most in the world to his own choice which was not me.

In my sitch though I had another home to go to. If you ask me, consult your lawyer, get a PSA, and get him out of there. This is a toxic situation for you. Wonder

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Being Me, Peace & Wonder,

Well, H signed the D papers this afternoon and I am going to retain my attorney tomorrow. Had thought there was a small opening but that has closed. H is now trying to be my buddy, saying we can D as friends and we are different than others and H wants to live together until divorce is final and than he is going to leave for Montreal.

Being H is not going to leave, I am strongly thinking about moving out, possible to an extended stay hotel so I've got a small kitchen and a space to use computer, etc. To stop the direction of trying to save my marriage, trying to hope and to try and start my new life as positively as I can.

I am kind of ashamed but I do not have any really close friends so (with the exception of family and a couple of casual friends) I find myself for the first time facing life utterly alone. Yes, there is some sense of excitement - on the other hand it so scary. I know all have been through and it can be done but darn I just cannot believe I'm at this point.

H is still in denial about all that is about to transpire and the dread and reality that I have been trying to keep at bay is HERE!!!

Words of encouragement or thoughts on me moving out until divorce is final would be greatly appreciated. I have no plans to drag out divorce and do not want ugliness but H just being so casual and non-plused by this is upsetting.

Do they understand the consequences? For the first time yesterday, after the lead up to D papers being signed, I could see the emotional/control abuse and I think H believes if he had to come back he could convince me to come back.

Anyway, things may not be as I had hoped but I will make it and again any advice (please hard cold truth) is more than needed.

Take care,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 23 yrs.
D papers filed by H 9/13/09
One cat about to be in a single parent household, will never be able to rub enough...

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Hi Chel! Sorry about all this, but it was expected, wasn't it!? Your H seems to be really unrealistic about how this will all play out. But, at this point, the ball is in your court.

Some questions you might like to ask yourself:

When will you sign, based on your attorneys advice?
Do you want to be friends post-D? Or, even now? (Some try for that, but usually only because there are kids involved, so your sitch is a tad different.)
Given all that's happened, would you give him another chance if he went off to Montreal and found the grass wasn't greener on the other side?
If you moved out, how would you feel if he had his possible OW come for a visit and stay in your apartment?
Being friendly is not being friends ---- always be aware of this because the way your H treated you, is not being a friend. So, just because he smiles at you and there's less stress, does not mean it is a true friendship.

I hope you are able to detach and move on because I think that would, ultimately, be the best thing for you. If he, one day, comes out of the fog, you could re-assess, but until then, hanging on to what may be a fantasy hope will not do you any good. Work on you, GAL, figure what is best for you, not him.

Good luck!


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Chel
The WASA/MLCER definitely wants to be friends at least in the beginning
to ease the guilt
Later in the crises after D and when they crash, they are nastier
at the beginning they think it will all be great..leaving and starting new life with usually a very sick, needy OW
rarelt do they seem to pick enlightened partners to grow with
they decend to what appears like a living hell
at least mine did
friendly and cordial is probably all that is needed at this point since D is looming and H is leaving
Do whatever you can to focus on you eat, exercise, pray, rest
freinds will come
there is a whole new world out there and It takes time b/c many of us LOST ourselves in our M
othwer D women are usually looking to be a freind and do fun stuff together
I have had more fun this past year than I think in my whole M life
first take the time to care for yourself, couseling, and healing
and at the same time starting over
it will be OK
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Being Me & Peace,

As usual you've given me good advice and strength. I retained my attorney yesterday and my H said he could not believe I had done that and in turn H felt like I had hurt him deeply and proved that I did not trust him. H said he would rather kill himself than for me to think that he would do anything but split everything right down the middle. In fact, he said that our potential for reconciliation in the future would be in jeopardy and I just asked if he was threatening me if I kept my attorney and he said yes.

This is just one more dagger thrown my way and if I continue I am going to have to live with the short term consequences of no more communication and for him to vilify me even when I know I am doing the right thing for myself. The sad part is I really had hoped there would be a small opening for that potential but bullying me into going along with him doesn't seem right.

Even if I moved out right now, he will not, I am going to have to work with him during the day...very, very torn.

Is this crazy talk or should I just let him file with his attorney and go along with it to just get this over with or to hope that he changes his mind? If I keep my attorney no doubt H will use that against me, in the short-term, to say that I must not want any chance of reconciliation.

Wow, it had not been up until the last couple of days that I realized how much H had controlled the situation and how crazy he went by me going out and talking to the attorney. I witnessed how much it bothered him that I did something that threatened his hold. That personally felt good but made me feel bad that he has had such a grip on me over these many months. I started thinking there was a fine line between DB'ing and self-respect and I had crossed that line.

That is my dilemna and will have to reach a definitive answer within the next couple of days and live with the consequences either way.

Any advice on how to handle H in this situation and still keep my cool? Communicating with them in this state of MLC is pretty much impossible.

Thanks for listening,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 23 yrs.
D papers filed 9/14
What is normal?

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chel
This is my experience with MLCer xh and D
this is my opinion
please you will have to read this and then make your own choices:

The mlcer does not want Wife to get an attorney ot to fight back in any way
they want to be in control and want to think we will be waiting forever as they explore their new R with OW
My xh kept everything a secreat, secret credit cards, gaMBLING. OW
they cant be trusted.
when my xh saw I retained a L far superior in intelligence and power to his , he freaked out
thats when the problems with us began..he took it out on the kids
they dont like boundries they are teens
I say keep the attorney and let H spin
he is leaving either way
this will not stop him if he wants to try to Reconcile
this is a legal business deal and 2 L are needed one to protect Your and one to protect him
I say get everything written as you want it and let him go
He is threatening you because he wants everythjing to go his way
but in reality everything will not go his way and he will destruct more and more
he will take you down with him if you let him
save yourself
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Chel, I am sorry I didn't see this sooner and I do not have a lot of time right this moment for all the niceties of communication. Your husband was being nice to you so that things would go his way, it was his best shot. You are seeing now the reality of how he will behave. My advice is under no circumstances should you go through a divorce without your own legal counsel. You cannot trust this person, you cannot predict that he will think what the law actually says you deserve is fair! You don't have to tell him all this. All you have to do is retain your own lawyer and tell him it's for the best for everyone, tell him it's in his best interest as well and leave it at that.

I don't think you should move out unless your attorney recommends it--there may be long term implications until you have a property settlement agreement in place and trust me that could take a while. I my case I was able to leave because we had two homes and there were no implications for me.

I will try to get back here later this evening but in the meantime I hope I have given you some information that is helpful. You are talking about financial impact here that will last the rest of your life. I wouldn't put that future in the hands of someone who has betrayed you so much already. Stay strong. Wonder

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Michelle, I have a few more words. I truly feel for you being isolated with few friends at this time. I was in the same boat, in fact for a few months while I was trying to save my marriage I was in a different country and did not know a soul. It was horribly lonely, frankly the hell on earth you may be experiencing.

I managed by trying to get a life there, I found volunteer work in two places and just had to spill to strangers who seemed nice! When I got home I also was lonely, I had dedicated myself to my career which I did not have any more and had to make much better acquaintance with my neighbors and ask for help. For you it's different as your husband is still around the house and you have to be careful not to spill every piece of personal business to people who live around you.

But you do need an outlet for your feelings. Can you get a therapist to talk to weekly about this? I don't know your financial situation, there are church groups, divorce care, other things too, but if you can get someone in your area to help you in a clinical way it would be good.

I know you have no intention of dragging anything out. Neither did I. Be emotionally and mentally prepared that your husband could do so. He might not of course, but the way things have gone so far--he's going, he's not, etc makes me think he could try to manipulate the situation to meet his international visa and financial needs. I know my husband did that to me and it took three years from the time he filed to the time we got divorced and I never in any way tried to stop or hold up a single thing.

Find some support, it will be everywhere if you are open and ask, and take the high road. Keep your dignity, that is your strength in knowing when that boundary is crossed. Good luck, and if you have a good lawyer he or she will also be helpful. Wonder

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Peace & Wonder,

You are so right on H's behaviors. I hired L on Monday of this past week and on Tuesday I fired L. My L indicated on Monday she would contact H's L and she did and H's L contacted him. Unbelievably, H had not been in contact with his L in quite some time as he could not even recall my H at first. My L also must have done more than simply introduce herself she gave the background of our sitch...this freaked my H out and he quickly indicated things would be very rocky and unpleasant from then on as I choose to hire a shark L. I was freaked out that my L had got into financials etc. so early on, when I left that day I was very hesitant but gave L approval to just touch base with H's L to let him know she was representing me. I needed to step back because we both live and work together and to be honest I don't want to get ugly and drag this out. I want my fair share half and H agreed. Actually now that I look back it may be to my advantage as all the balls are now in H's court and I can lean back and wait for him to pursue D. I am not naive however and will have an L look over anything I receive and won't sign anything until I absolutely know what is happening.

All week I have been going out and when I shaved my legs yesterday, H was wondering if I was seeing someone. I did not play into his controlling nature and just laughed it off and went out for the afternoon. I bought myself a computer so I can use it whenever I want and am hiding it in a storage so this is something that is just for me.

H seems to be off balance because I did not get upset per usual this weekend and am jut acting casual and GAL'ing.

H said he dreamed last night that he was sleeping in our first apartment after we were married and I was holding a gun to his head. Hmmm, would love to know what that means.

Well never know what to expect anymore except that H is adamant about leaving so I am just trying to focus on myself.

Do you leave any room for coming back when they finally leave or do you treat this as the end?

Thanks again for listening,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 23 yrs.
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in motion

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Wonder,

I am really freaked out about the similarities of our situations. I have been meaning to ask how yours played out and how you are doing today. You had incredible strength and I understand how you said you were emotionally spent. I replied to both you and Peace about the L situation and how that is going. H is getting freaked out, crying one minute, lashing out the next. I bought myself a computer so I can head to the coffee shops and hook to free WIFI and just that has been freeing. H is freaking out about moving to another country, learning a new language, etc. H indicated he would work on getting his visa when he is physically there as you can visit for 6 months. I still don't know how the border crossing will go for him with his stuff, but not my problem.

I will take your advice and work on volunterring or taking some classes. That will be a good start to meeting people.

How did you handle the goodbye when he finally left? Did you leave any doors open? Did H contact you when gone?

It broke my heart to hear how isolated you were, and how your H took advantage of that situation.

My H is bound and determined that I keep the job we share and has indicated when he goes he won't be taking all his stuff. He said I can throw or give to his sister. I feel that by him making sure I stay at the job and keeping his stuff he is trying to keep the home firest burning for a return. Does this make sense?

Gotta go, but cannot tell you how much I value your words and life experience.

Take care,
Michele

M 42
H 41
M 16 yrs.
Together 23 yrs.
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers in motion
Trying to keep sanity

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