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RedSoxFan #1840900 09/20/09 09:13 AM
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Ok, but can you speak to me in Italian instead of French? wink



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If I could speak Italian I wouldn't be on this forum ;-O


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread
RedSoxFan #1840934 09/20/09 02:17 PM
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aaaaahhh. Dumb girl alert. I went out last night and got home waay to late and S7 just called for me to come over cuz it is birthday and we're all spending the day together...

I need coffee, Midol and a valium...;)

buongiorno!



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Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
aaaaahhh. Dumb girl alert. I went out last night and got home waay to late and S7 just called for me to come over cuz it is birthday and we're all spending the day together...

I need coffee, Midol and a valium...;)

buongiorno!

OH NO! I hate when I do that!


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread
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Want the ultimate DB challenge?

Spend ALL day with your estranged spouse and children. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, everything in between and bedtime to boot.

Today we spent S7's bday together.

My time with H was like an entire thread here in one day. Signs that he is coming out of his fog (erasing overtly self-absorbed and thoughtless photos from facebook, referencing a feeling of complete disassociation from his experience of living at rich people's house-feels like it wasn't real)...still pretty obsessed with rock star and plans to work with him more (there may actually be money there), comments about getting the whole truth out and inquiries into my personal life (I literally sang "la la la la la la la..." whenever it was crossing a line). I made it clear that we were having such a nice time and certain topics were too uncomfortable, especially with the kids there. Something came up about one of the girls on his face book and he went on to intermittently mention that things aren't always what they seem and other cryptic messages...our rapport went from flirtatious to bantery to totally focused on the kids to married-like. I went from moments of just wanting to touch any part of our bodies to moments of sheer detachment. He played a few songs in the car with lyrics about not giving up on relationships etc. Again, he looked so oblivious and I refuse to indulge in reading between such shallow lines...but the feelings were all over the place.

While there were so many moments that screamed possible reconciliation, there were just as many that screamed it is over...

He made it clear that he wants the relief of full disclosure. That is not really something I want. I let him know that certain topics should be covered more next week when we meet for what he referred to as "the talk"...but, I really don't want to discuss our personal lives.

At the end of the night the kids were so tired and I put them to bed at his place which they loved but was really strange. Then I actually laid on H's bed with him and watched a little tv and then left. I texted him to thank him for the day and for choosing where we went (I like that he led and it was a wonderful time).

I saw all the things I don't like about him and those that I do. It was really bizarre.

We are family. I don't know how to shed that feeling. I don't know if I need to. I don't know what the new normal is supposed to look like, feel like. I don't know if I am being too cool...but, aside from a few moments of really digging us being a family together, digging his humor, feeling wifely (in a good way), overall, I felt like a lifelong friend...no pining, no tingly sensation. wink

I love that I was able to be so different. No bitching at him for things that have no bearing on me anymore. No nitpicking.

I don't know what we are doing. I closed the bathroom door at one point earlier in the day because he was peeing with no consciousness of my presence. He was in his underwear at the end of the night as if that was just so normal.

I dunno. I am looking at a place tomorrow.

I understand what I love about the idea of having my family together because, even with all of the weirdness and ambiguity, we fit today. We laughed, we managed the kids, we kept it positive for the most part and together...

For now, there is no new normal. I am floating in outer space. I don't long for him but I do feel a bit lonely tonight.



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Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
While there were so many moments that screamed possible reconciliation, there were just as many that screamed it is over...

...and wherer was that ration 1, 3 6 months ago?

Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
He made it clear that he wants the relief of full disclosure. That is not really something I want. I let him know that certain topics should be covered more next week when we meet for what he referred to as "the talk"...but, I really don't want to discuss our personal lives.

Not sure what you mean here but either way it doesn't seem like the time is right.

Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
We are family. I don't know how to shed that feeling. I don't know if I need to. I don't know what the new normal is supposed to look like, feel like. I don't know if I am being too cool...but, aside from a few moments of really digging us being a family together, digging his humor, feeling wifely (in a good way), overall, I felt like a lifelong friend...no pining, no tingly sensation. wink

Family, yes and will always be so from the boys perspective so you are.

I have no idea about the cool thing but I'd make a wild guess that you're on 10 or 11 and need to dial back to 9 wink

As for tingly, This is just me but I'd go for the feeling of friendship first. Can't say that I'm sure about that one. Sometimes I wonder if by backing way off I'm just proving to W that the spark is gone.

Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
I love that I was able to be so different. No bitching at him for things that have no bearing on me anymore. No nitpicking.

You're my hero. I really mean that.

Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
I don't know what we are doing. I closed the bathroom door at one point earlier in the day because he was peeing with no consciousness of my presence. He was in his underwear at the end of the night as if that was just so normal.

LOL. Well crafted enticements based on very sophisticated man-logic! Accident...I think not.

Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
I dunno. I am looking at a place tomorrow.

I understand what I love about the idea of having my family together because, even with all of the weirdness and ambiguity, we fit today. We laughed, we managed the kids, we kept it positive for the most part and together...

For now, there is no new normal. I am floating in outer space. I don't long for him but I do feel a bit lonely tonight.

This is beautiful A&K. You're on a path. It's a process. I'm sorry it feels lonely. From where I sit this looks like a pretty amazing day.

I'm guessing you don't want to get your hopes up. Caution and common sense are good. Looking at a place today is good. But do something for yourself today and let yourself feel good about yesterday.


AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread
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I feel like cr*p. I feel so lonely. A sprinkler head broke at 5am and water was gushing and crashing down hard on the roof. I didn't know what it was at first. I felt so "single mom." I was glad my kids weren't here. I had one of those movie moments of all the weight I'll lift and catastrophes I'll manage on my own.

Yesterday took too much out of me. I think of my kids having this rootless, limbo feeling and it pains me for them. The joy on their little faces when I said I would put them to bed at daddy's just haunts me. They want their family together.

And, I can only be around him, I think, because I can know that the can of worms will never be opened, that I will never have to trust him again, share my body and soul with him again. I can shove all of the pain and torment away and be this other person, knowing that I'm safe because the married "we" is over and now we are something else, something rather shallow to me...
something fun and light and honest to a point but he'll never know how my insides have been turned inside out.

RSF- I'll answer your post a little later. But I will say, I think he peed with the door open just like he passed gas in front of me because he's lazy and it is nice to just let it all hang out. But if that is intended to be enticing, he may want to try another angle.

I'm so sad this morning, crying, and I have to go get the kids from him and take them to school. Fake it... crazy



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It's OK. This too shall pass. Some moments are hard, reminding us how strong we are.xxx
K


Me&H:42
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Originally Posted By: Kalni
It's OK. This too shall pass. Some moments are hard, reminding us how strong we are.xxx
K


Thanks. I know you know.



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cry dammit. how is a woman supposed to function like this? smirk



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