Parts of this sound so incredibly insincere. It really disgusts me. Is his role not to point out to people when they are going astray? He is supposed to sit back, watch and pray on it? Hands off, no intervention?

OK, so by that logic- a person tells him he will beat another person up... but all this minister can do is pray that he won't. Not warn the person about to get the beating, not tell the person about to go beat someone up that he is wrong? Just listen and validate.

Is that what this minister is saying? I think this man is nuts.

hm,

Nothing to add re: your spineless, unprincipled, unchristian "pastor' that BeingMe, msinvisible, puppy, NoCodeBlues and June72 haven't already covered.Yes.

Thank you all for your powerful responses. I didn't really expect to hear from him, I was just kind of irritable and fired off an email to a nameless, faceless sender.

The thing is, there's no one to expose him to. We have episcopal clergy here in town who have recently made the papers for being part of a male prostitution ring, and for serial affairs with parishioners. This is nothing. In fact, this is probably seen as tactful handling of a potential scandal.

I will respond in time, but it won't be as a pitiful scorned wife. It will be as a fellow pastoral minister--but one with a spine and some moral authority. I want him to cringe--and never to handle anything this way again.

Hey Hoos,

I just went back to read your original email from your "pastor" which I found extremely - well, unsupportive. Mind you, I have my own issues/conversations with a certain, or two, priests. I have found myself keeping them "informed" of my progress, but never really have found much in the way of emotional support from them, except in the beginning.

Honestly, I do think sometimes, in my own head, I talk myself into some negative ways of thinking, ie. "He doesn't like me anymore, he's unconcerned, he's never there for me, etc., etc." But, for the most part, I think he does what he can and says what he thinks will help me. But never, never, never has he said he would be deleting me from his email list. He better not! I'd probably have to throw the book - yes, that book - at him!

Stay in good thoughts, girl. Be calm and forgive, if you can.

poet

And this is the denomination/congregation your X defected to because yours is so f-ed up (he says?). Man.

"... I am confident that you understand the great ambiguities, uncertainties, and difficulties which occur whenever people you love and care for make choices and decisions which you may or may not condone..."

Last I checked, adultery is an unambiguous 10 Commandment fail.

That's why I dont believe in "church" but I believe in God. Churches (in Greece at least) are run like enterprises and rarely offer the spiritual and moral support people need.

I think we have to keep in mind that Pastor's are human and they make mistakes. Now, whether this Pastor has made a mistake is hard for me to judge. The fact that he took the time to reply at the length he did says something, a coward would have ignored your email and had you taken off the email list. Obviously, he is trying to give some kind of explanation be it right or wrong. I'm also not sure that it's the Pastor's job to play policeman because if that were the case he'd be kicking people out of the church left and right. Wasn't it Jesus who hung out with sinners? He was Lord of the Losers! A Pastor has to walk a very fine line sometimes, sinners need someone to go to but won't if the Pastor is the law and order guy. In any church there are any number of people who, according to others, shouldn't be there. Does the Pastor kick everyone out who isn't towing the line? I can see the Pastor not allowing them responsible positions in the congregation but otherwise I'm not sure it's his place to kick ass! Obviously, everyone else on this thread disagrees. So kick me off the thread! But seriously Hoosier, I'm so sorry for the hurt that this has caused you. We all want to feel our church is there for us in time of need and it's hard when you feel that wasn't the case, especially when you're already trying to deal with your own and your D's deep pain.

A bit of clarification...
This isn't my pastor. awhile before he split, xH changed denominations so that he could be ordained (Catholicism frowns on that sort of thing, married people being ordained and all). And this pastor and his wife and xH and I hung out from time to time, had dinner, chats, etc. so when xH apparently went crazy and all, I contacted him to talk some sense into xH. provided emails that proved he left me for the wicca woman. pastor was far more appalled that I read xH's private email and shared it with him than he was at the adultery, and agreed to meet with me one time only.

xH wasn't just a member of this congregation, he's a candidate for priesthood, participates in a leadership role at liturgies and serves on a leadership committee. I agree, you don't kick someone out of your church, but you also don't need to elevate them to a leadership position when their personal lives are a mess, nor do you recommend them for priesthood. and you also don't push away the family that has been left to fend for themselves in the midst of pain without reaching out in some way. I've done pastoral ministry...I would have handled this far differently if I was on the other side of it.

^ this sounds familiar.