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#1819128 - 08/14/09 03:46 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: SophieL]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
I just heard from a friend that I should get another female dog, name it <OW's name>, and when I feel the need to yell about "that crazy b***h," I'll have a good excuse and D13 will never know! After all, OW's first horse has MY name (oh, yeah, and since she's deeply spiritual and all, she and xH considered that a "sign." Of what, I'm not sure--perhaps a sign of looking for rationalizations?!)


Edited by hoosiermama (08/14/09 03:49 PM)
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1819248 - 08/14/09 08:01 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Hello, HM,

So much of your story and current sitch seems so awfully similar to mine, with genders switched. My D was final in April too. And I am struggling to keep from going insane as the OM keeps worming his way into my S's lives. I enjoy my time with my boys very much, but there came a point during a swim in the pool with them last weekend, and they were going on and on about how "Mr. OM" did these special fun activities with them in their pool, that I stopped what I was doing long enough to ask them both to just cease comparing what we do to what he and xW have been doing. I have not really been so sensitive about these things in the last few months, but in the last week this was getting to be too much. And I know they're just children and don't fully comprehend the impact of what they're saying, but unless I said something to them how else are they to learn to not be so insensitive.

I am now deeply resentful of xW for allowing her f'ing BF to roughhouse and get physical with my S's, especially in a shallow apartment swimming pool. She is again running counter to the safety instructions I have been instructing our S's (no jumping or diving, for example). And I find it highly inappropriate -- and not just because I am jealous for my S's.

So I really understand your mixed emotions -- you want your children to enjoy a lot of positive experiences, but not with people who have been proven to be morally bankrupt.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1819290 - 08/14/09 09:18 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: NoCodeBlues]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Quote:
So I really understand your mixed emotions -- you want your children to enjoy a lot of positive experiences, but not with people who have been proven to be morally bankrupt.

Exactly!! And I think you handled your situation well. I suppose I will become less sensitive to it as time goes on. The fact that it had been going on for 8 months without my knowledge--in fact, it had been intentionally denied--really took the wind out of my sails.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1819310 - 08/14/09 09:46 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
Reincarnated Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/07
Posts: 4427
Loc: USA
That is just terrible - it means that they put your D in the position that she had to lie or omit the truth to you about what was going on, too. What a nasty position to put a child in...

As for your issue of faith, you can just keep repeating to her that people are fallible...God gave each of us the option to CHOOSE our own path. In the end, it comes down to each of us which path that will be.

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#1819327 - 08/14/09 10:23 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: Reincarnated]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Yes, you're right--she is getting a good lesson in loving someone in spite of their bad behavior. A lot of other, less desirable lessons, tho, I'm afraid--such as how men should treat women.

And actually, I get the distinct impression that D chose not to tell me, not that she was told not to. I don't think they give a rat's patootie what I think, it just isn't a factor. She didn't want to hurt my feelings, and I overreacted (in D's opinion) to their first meeting so she wanted to avoid that response again.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1819581 - 08/15/09 04:25 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
okay, anyone know how to avoid the rebound effect in subsequent relationships? I don't have a lot of room for error these days--I have to be the parent to show D13 a healthy relationship, since her father is doing such an abysmal job in that area. Besides, I don't need any more heartbreak--or to cause any further heartbreak! And this current "relationship" or whatever it is, has serious potential--if I don't destroy it with my insecurity and baggage. I've heard that one should wait a year for each 5 years of marriage before entering another committed relationship (altho I'm thinking that was a fairly random guideline) which gives me another 2 years. Which I can do, but y'know, I'd like to do this--if I do--before entering a nursing home!! So any other guidelines anyone's heard, aside from taking things slowly, doing the work, figuring out and working on what I did to contribute to the death of my marriage, and lots of prayer?!

And no, I don't feel that I NEED a man in my life to be whole. I would not have gone looking for a relationship at this point, not ready to date, but this one kinda fell into my lap and so far has been such a blessing. Besides, it's "green"--I'm recycling an old friendship!!
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1819585 - 08/15/09 04:31 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
I've heard that one should wait a year for each 5 years of marriage before entering another committed relationship (altho I'm thinking that was a fairly random guideline) which gives me another 2 years. Which I can do, but y'know, I'd like to do this--if I do--before entering a nursing home!!
!
I would think by that they mean you shouldn't get committed, like getting engaged or remarried for another 2 years, not that you can't date during that time though. Just try to take it as slow as possible. You sound like you're in a really healthy place though and aware of what to avoid, so should be good. Karen
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1819690 - 08/15/09 09:14 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
gucci loafer Offline
Member

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 1408
Loving toughness for singles.... from James Dobson.
These are good. Use them.

This is long, but very beneficial to know.

1) Don't let the relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase "too hot not to cool down" has validity. Take it one step at a time.

2) Don't discuss your personal inadequacies and flaws in great detail when the relationship is new. No matter how warm and accepting your friend may be, any great revelation of low self-esteem or embarrassing weaknesses can be fatal when interpersonal "valleys" occur. And they WILL occur.


3)Remember that respect precedes love. Build it stone upon stone.

4)Don't call too often on the phone or give the other person an oportunity to get tired of you.

5) Don't be too quick to reveal your desire to get married-or that you think you've just found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you'll throw him or her into panic.

6) MOST IMPORTANT. Relationships are constantly being "tested" by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling backward from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maye two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival. In each instance, the question being asked is, "How important am I to you and what would you do if you lost me?" An even more basic issue lies below that one. It wants to know, "How free am I to leave if I want to?" It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.

7) Extending the same concept, keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he/she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm as Shirley did with me, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.

8) Do not expect anyone to meet all your emotional needs. Maintain interests and activities outside that romantic relationship, even after marriage.

9) Guard against selfishness in your love affair. Neither the man nor the woman should do all the giving. I once broke up with a girl because she let me take her to nice places, bring her flowers, buy her lunch, etc. I wanted to do these things, but expected her to reciprocate in some way. She didn't.

10) Beware of blindness to obvious warning signs that tell you that your potential husband or wife is basically dis-loyal, hateful, spiritually uncommitted, hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc. Believe me, a bad marriage is far worse than the most lonely instance of singleness.

11) Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.

12) Be careful to defend the "line of respect," even during a dating relationship. A man SHOULD open doors for a woman on a formal evening; a woman SHOULD speak respectfully of her escort when in public, etc. If you don't preserve this delicate line when the foundations of marriage are being laid, it will be virtually impossible to construct them later.

13) Do not equate human worth with flawless beauty or hand-someness! If you require physical perfection in your mate, he or she may make the same demands of you. Don't let love escape you because of the false values of your culture. In the same vein, be careful not to compare yourself with others-which is the root of all inferiority.

14) If genuine love has escaped you thus far, don't begin believing "no one would ever want me." That is a deadly trap that can destroy you, emotionally! Millions of people aree looking for someone to love. The problem is finding one another!

15) Regardless of how brilliant the love affair has been, take time to "check your assucmptions" with your partner before committing yourself to marriage. It is surprising how often men and women plunge toward matrimony without ever becoming aware of major differences in expectation between them. For example:
a. Do you want to have children? How soon? How many?
b Where will you live?
c. Will the wife work? How soon? How about after children are born?
d. Who will lead in the relationship? What does that really mean?
e. How will you relate to your in-laws?
f. How will money be spent?
g. Where will you attend church?
16) Finally, sexual familiarity can be deadly to a relationship. In addition to the many moral, spiritual and physical reasons for remaining virgins until marriage, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages to the exercise of self-control and discipline. Though it's an old fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not resect "easy" women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It's pronounced "NO!"


Edited by gucci loafer (08/15/09 09:16 PM)

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#1819700 - 08/15/09 09:45 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: gucci loafer]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Whoa, gooch, that's a lot to digest!! Most of it makes me feel pretty good (with the occasional struggle with #6 of course!--many of us who were left for someone else probably have a bit to overcome in #6). Some of it doesn't necessarily transfer over to those of us who are of a certain age, or who live hundreds of miles apart.

Thanks for taking the time to read and to share something so detailed. I hope others can find it useful as well.

I have an advantage in having known this guy for about 25 years now. Yeah, during most of that time we had no contact, lol!! but in terms of consistency and growth, we see each other from the perspective of who we used to be and who we have become. Back then we had a very good friendship (no benefits...) and it feels as if we've picked that up where it left off. Except that we're grownups now and appreciate each others' kindness more than we would have back then. He's always felt very safe, and reconnecting has felt like coming home again. And I'm inclined to trust those feelings.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1819927 - 08/16/09 04:54 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
D13 is a bit upset this morning. xH called and OW has to put one of her horses down due to a hoof problem. And I feel...sad. For the horse.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
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