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#1844414 - 09/24/09 04:36 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: dday101798]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
I've been at this for ~18 months--and it has worn on me. It is a CONSTANT worry, and financial crisis limits one's life in so many ways--can't go anywhere, no vacations, no entertainment, can't even go grab a cup of coffee with someone (well, it's not like anyone's been open to that anyway). all the what-if's. this is the part I've coped with least well.

and yeah, he SHOULD be the one to help. because he's not really helping me, he's helping D13. but he truly cannot see past himself, still, even though he has all he wants and needs. and that's the only reason I turned to him. he made it sound like this is something I've been doing routinely, and it's been over a year since I've asked him for help--and that was about the time he decided he couldn't provide any CS because he was entitled to furnish his new apt. with whatever he wanted.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1844570 - 09/24/09 10:17 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
native Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 369
I understand your frustration with ex and with $$. I'm two mos. behind on mortgage right now, trying to sell house ex and I bought together,with 2 incomes. I've been holding on for about 9 mos. but as a contractor things fluctuate.

I know about having only a few $$ in your pocket for a week.

I wish I had answers or some encouragement. God bless you....
_________________________
Me 47, W 32,D 6,
Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7
Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09


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#1844590 - 09/24/09 10:42 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: native]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
He does. And may He bless you too!
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1844711 - 09/25/09 08:56 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Well, here's another idea, if X is concerned about what the loaned funds will be used for: tell him to take some time out and take his D grocery shopping. Not only will it rest his concerns of where the money went, but give him some time iwth his child.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1844758 - 09/25/09 10:32 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: dday101798]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
If he did that he'd probably just be concerned that I'd also eat the food!!
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1846166 - 09/28/09 11:49 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
D13 and I had a long chat this weekend, which she started about midnight and which I ended about 3 am. She saw me reading yet another relationship book and made a comment. I asked her why she thought I read books like that, and she said "because you're trying to figure out what you did wrong. Mom, you didn't do anything wrong, don't you know that?" She's about done with her dad--she feels like "less than a speck. an atom. an electron" to him. Jackass. He's trying to force a relationship on her with OW's daughters; she might actually like them but she won't be forced. She feels manipulated and used, but not loved. And Frank and OW's relationship is exactly as I would have predicted (but I did not--ever--discuss that with D13--she figured it out herself). He is "putty in her hands," according to D; being manipulated but he doesn't see it. Clare thinks "she's gonna dump him so hard" because "all he's there for is to help her with (her year-old grandson) and cleaning out the horse stalls." She predicts that once the daughter gets a job or goes to school so that she's more available to take care of her own son and help with the horse chores, OW will have no further use for Frank. Frank is a priss; mowing the lawn was a huge ordeal for him. Never saw him with callouses or dirt under his nails; never--in 15 years--saw him work hard enough to break a sweat. And he was the driving force in our relationship (in retrospect, because I probably was trying to earn his love/approval)--strong personality, high needs (of all kinds). For him to be mucking out horse stalls and being p*ssy-whipped is amazing--but not surprising, because that's how their relationship was before. This is, after all, a woman who demands a lot of sacrifice--first, his career as a priest, second, his family. D also says she feels like just his 4th child--he is very involved with the daughters (25 and 19) and especially the grandson--predictable; I think this is the son we almost--but couldn't--have. D says that he lives at the farm, stays at his apartment only when D's there--and it's a pigsty. (this from a kid who can't throw wrappers away or put clothes in the laundry!) He's got a stack of books about horses that he's reading (interesting--he never took the slightest interest in any of my interests!) And she's very hurt that he has a wallet-size photo of her on his dresser, but 8x10's of OW, each daughter, and the grandson. Ouch. We also talked about Frank potentially wanting to return once "he gets dumped, and I told her that while I wish I could fix things, I couldn't imagine ever trusting Frank enough to have a marriage with him ever again, and that if I did that after all we've been through before and since it would be a bad example for her of boundaries in relationships. She agreed that she couldn't trust him again either. Lots of discussion about what he's told her about our marriage--which she knows isn't true, and in fact is actually funny to her. At 3 am I insisted we go to sleep because we were both getting a bit wacky. I got the definite feeling that she's going to be okay. And until this point, I haven't been entirely sure about that.

This is a man with a master's degree in theology, extensive training and 10 years's experience as a hospital chaplain. One would think that that background alone would give him some skills to help his daughter cope with stuff--but he's so intensely self-absorbed (and this is really no different than before the A) that it continues to be all about him. Well, him and OW.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1846170 - 09/28/09 12:01 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Yep, must be 'chat with the kids week'.

Heh, mine pretty much told me I deserve better than X, that kind of stung a bit. crazy
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1846180 - 09/28/09 12:10 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Our kids are not stupid, and I think your one is particularly sharp. It's quite ironic that your H has turned into you, in a relational way. He is trying to earn OW's love, just like you tried to earn his. We should all be what and who we are, freely, in any R.

Those photos speak volumes! He is sacrificing his only child to this woman.

What a fool he is! Sad!
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1846203 - 09/28/09 12:52 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: BeingMe]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
While I feel sorry for your DD, or anyone's child in this all-too typical situation, I think it encouraging that she at least sees things for what they are.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1846580 - 09/28/09 11:30 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: NoCodeBlues]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Yep, here's to smart kids. Of course, you know our x's will say we've poisoned their minds against the abandoning parent. But who really cares what they think anyway?!

This was SUCH an enlightening conversation, and sort of led to several other very enlightening conversations as I processed it. And I'm coming to the conclusion (fleeting, I'm sure) that I'm not such a loser after all, perhaps, but that I am far stronger and wiser than all those folks who abandoned me sorta all at once because they're (and I quote) "such tools, and worse than tools--wedges: the simplest of tools!" Which leaves me no less alone than I was before, but at least I'm not surrounded by people whose love I'm trying to earn while they're simultaneously figuring out how to discard me from their lives while still looking fabulous.

And xH--what a weak, limited, foolish man. I fell for the charming extrovert who was trying to get into my pants, and spent the next 15+ years wondering where he went and why he left behind this guy who was so limited and so apathetic about me, and trying to figure out how to earn the return of the one I fell in love with. As it turns out, and I think I was coming to this realization but didn't know what to do about it--the limited, weak, narcissistic guy was the real Frank.

But I was no spring chicken when I got married. How on earth do I keep from falling into the same trap ever again? There's the real question. 'Cuz I've done it twice now. Will I ever learn?
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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