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so in keeping with a theme....I haven't had a thread for awhile--mostly didn't feel I had a lot to offer in terms of encouragement. it's been an incredibly difficult year--emotionally, spiritually, and financially, with a lot of healing and more than a few setbacks. as you can see from my signature, the divorce has been final for months. I have to say that my sitch was probably not typical, because--for whatever reason--my xh was "resolute" (his term) and never wavered, never looked back, never reconsidered for even a moment. dropped the bomb, wanted a divorce immediately, refused any communication not aimed at divorce, and things proceeded accordingly. difficult to DB successfully when the other person doesn't even see you as a human being any more. that's meant to be an encouragement to you newcomers, because my sitch was truly not typical in that way.

life goes on; I wouldn't say life is good, exactly, altho I have learned a lot and grown. it's just so hard to see your child(ren) going thru something awful that you have no control over. and it's even more difficult to have no control over fully half of her life, when she's with her father and--as I recently discovered--the OW who D13 is aware broke up our family. that has been the hardest part. I'm having a very difficult time with this. She thinks OW is "okay," her adult daughters are "almost like having sisters," the horse farm is fun and she is learning to ride. tonight she mentioned she is thinking about competing (they do a lot of this), and my heart is breaking because I will not be able (emotionally) to attend these events. it feels like betrayal, if I'm completely honest, and I am trying hard to feign interest and make it possible for her to share these things with me. but it may be the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Seven months or so post-bomb, I reconnected with an old friend in another state with whom I've had no contact for around 20 years. He crossed my mind one day and I googled him--and there he was. I don't believe in coincidence; his wife--perhaps with borderline personality disorder?--left him the month before xh left me. we've been able to be a very good support for each other--lots of parallel process going on. and we're both bloody, wounded messes, hundreds of miles apart, realizing that there's potential for a wonderful relationship but also knowing now is not the time. the only wise course right now is to pursue the tremendous amount of healing I need to do, lean into a good friendship, and trust that God will take care of the rest. no, I don't need a man in my life to be whole, but my sitch is also atypical in that I am rather uniquely isolated--absolutely no family, lost a lot of friends in the divorce. this connection is healthy, and helpful. years of therapy between us, so at least we're quite conscious of our baggage and issues. and very intentional about being kind to one another, and helping each other heal. no commitment (except never to lose contact again), just getting to know each other and being able to lean on one another from time to time--and not feeling isolated is very helpful.


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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Heya Hooz! Good to hear from you!

I am still in limbo land - yay! That was sarcasm in case you didn't get it across the keyboard.


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As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe

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I'm so sorry! Limbo sucks.


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H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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Ok, y'all who have been here--how do you deal with your children's new lives with OW's or OM's and their families? I'm having a very difficult time with this. On bad days I wonder how much more xH and OW can take away from me. On better days I'm happy for D13 that she is learning to ride and gets some horse time; I'm trying to be happy that she has some new connections in her life, because right now I have very few to offer her. But that's gonna take awhile, I'm afraid. I hate that she has to deal with her father's hypocrisy (a supposedly faithful chaplain and candidate for priesthood openly living in an adulterous affair) and with OW's values (she's a Wiccan, and obviously could care less about having broken up a family). And there's nothing I can do about any of this. If I don't find a way to roll with it, it will simply continue to happen without my knowledge.

Oh, and yes, it was in our preliminary divorce agreement that D would not be around OW until the end of the school year. That was completely disregarded, and H had the nerve to tell me that it wasn't any of my business. Sorry, bud, but even if you choose to behave as if I no longer exist--I'm still the mother.


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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Hi Hoosiermama

Sorry to meet under these circumstances.

My divorce will be final next month. I'm having to deal with the OW be a part of XH's life. She isnt in the same country yet but she has already begun to be a part of my daughter's life in that she selects the clothes that XH buys for my daughter etc.

I'm mentally preparing myself for this and tell myself that I should be glad that she is willing to try to be a part of my daughter's life. I tell myself that I am glad that my daughter will have an extra person who loves her. I know this is really easy to say and very difficult to put into practice.

The fact that my life is so detached from XH helps a lot. I've accepted (althought it hurts) that his GF (who used to be OW) is now part of XHs life. She is going to be part of my daughter's life and for my daughter's sake and happiness I am willing to be accept this. I tell myself that at the end of the day, I can only do the best that I can by my daughter and trust that the values and love she gets from me will nurture our relationship and withstand damaging outside influences.

Not sure if this helps. Wishing you strength and peace.

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Forgot to say .... love your thread title laugh

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I'm in the same boat. My x isn't a chaplain, but a Boy Scout leader. It isn't easy, but my IC and the kids' IC just keep telling me that, in the end, the kids know. They will know what their father did.
So, I listen to my D tell me stories about her time over there. It is more centered on the other little girl there (no stories about how great the gf is, yet).

It sucks, but like you said, you don't want her to stop telling you about her time there. My refrain has been, if anything or anyone, ANYwhere, makes you uncomfortable, you can always come to me and tell me. I don't say this as they are about to go over there or while they are there, just in random conversation. And it does apply to everything - school, friends, etc.
The kids IC has pointed out that, as much as I would like to, I can't protect my kids from everything, be with them everywhere and isolate them. There will be bullies, teachers they don't like, etc. It just has to be like that - be supportive.

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Originally Posted By: SophieL
Hi Hoosiermama

Sorry to meet under these circumstances.

My divorce will be final next month. I'm having to deal with the OW be a part of XH's life. She isnt in the same country yet but she has already begun to be a part of my daughter's life in that she selects the clothes that XH buys for my daughter etc.

I'm mentally preparing myself for this and tell myself that I should be glad that she is willing to try to be a part of my daughter's life. I tell myself that I am glad that my daughter will have an extra person who loves her. I know this is really easy to say and very difficult to put into practice.

The fact that my life is so detached from XH helps a lot. I've accepted (althought it hurts) that his GF (who used to be OW) is now part of XHs life. She is going to be part of my daughter's life and for my daughter's sake and happiness I am willing to be accept this. I tell myself that at the end of the day, I can only do the best that I can by my daughter and trust that the values and love she gets from me will nurture our relationship and withstand damaging outside influences.

Not sure if this helps. Wishing you strength and peace.

Thank you. I am trying to get to this point--praying to get to this point--but right now all I can do is smile and nod while I'm screaming inside!


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
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Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
I'm in the same boat. My x isn't a chaplain, but a Boy Scout leader. It isn't easy, but my IC and the kids' IC just keep telling me that, in the end, the kids know. They will know what their father did.
So, I listen to my D tell me stories about her time over there. It is more centered on the other little girl there (no stories about how great the gf is, yet).

It sucks, but like you said, you don't want her to stop telling you about her time there. My refrain has been, if anything or anyone, ANYwhere, makes you uncomfortable, you can always come to me and tell me. I don't say this as they are about to go over there or while they are there, just in random conversation. And it does apply to everything - school, friends, etc.
The kids IC has pointed out that, as much as I would like to, I can't protect my kids from everything, be with them everywhere and isolate them. There will be bullies, teachers they don't like, etc. It just has to be like that - be supportive.

That's good advice. And D13 does know what her father did. She articulates that quite well--without my asking. She's just trying to make the best of the situation. I can remember doing the same thing when I was growing up--and I hate that she has to do it too.

I have a fairly specific concern about the hypocrisy, tho. My faith is very important to me; at the moment, my religion is the only structure and community I have to offer D13. I want her to grow up with the values I've spent 13 years trying to instill--but kids are so sensitive to hypocrisy, and I'm so afraid it will kill her faith. All I can do, I know, is continue to live it in a healthy way, continue to be an example. The rest I have to let go.


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 121
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"All I can do, I know, is continue to live it in a healthy way, continue to be an example. The rest I have to let go."


Yes!

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