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#1840687 - 09/19/09 03:39 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Yes, BJ, he is all rational and reason. And I mostly feelings. And tonight, I just feel done. I'm tired and want to give up.

Help me understand this re: your sitch, perhaps I'll get inspiration. Thanks buddy.


Hope,

In my sitch, I want so much to be able to communicate with and understand my W on an intimate level, but because of our differences, it's very frustrating. And I want my W to understand my thinking and my feelings.

My W is very limited in her ability to think beyond her feelings and engage in some critical thinking. And, although I've come a long way in terms of understanding her feelings based thinking, there is a limit to my abilities in this regard.

When I look at my sitch, I feel as though it is my W who has a better chance of ultimately understanding me better than I can understand her. Unfortunately, it is my W, not me, who is in the midst of a personal crisis. When I look at your sitch, the reverse seems to be true: the better equipped spouse is NOT the one having the personal crisis.

My point here is that I think you have a lot more going for you than you might think.

I can certainly relate to your feelings of being exhausted and "done". I am certainly "done" in my sitch with the disrespect and emotional abuse inflicted on me by my W. But does that mean that I'm "done" with my M and/or my family- even in the midst of filing for D? I can't say that I am. That is why I'm dropping the rope completely with regards to my W. I need a vacation from her and her crap! Whether or not my vacation from her will be permanent or not is her choice!
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1840715 - 09/19/09 05:54 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
I totally get what you are saying. You are right. Perfect for sitch today.

H says he'll be back with S between 1:30-2. When he calls at 1 and says he'll be home in 35 min. I call back to ask if I can come back at 2 because I wanted to wrap things up with my friend I was visiting.

H goes off.

When I get home I appologize and say it was a communication error about our meeting agreement. I have also been asking him for days if/when he will come back htis afternoon so I can go exercise. He has been avoiding answering. I'm guessing OW.

I ask again if/when he intends to come home this afternoon. H blasts me again and storms off. I asked him if this was about keeping agreements, and if so I would like an agreement about today too. I also said if this is about him needing to be somewhere tonight by a certain time, just tell me so, and the fact that he won't answer makes me think he's hiding something.

He storms out and says he hates it when I follow him outside and don't drop the subject. I should have dropped it, but I kept insisting, then please tell me your schedule.

I'm not telling him when to be here, I am asking for the same respect. He just gets more p.o.ed and drives off like a maniac mumbling something about maybe going to the East Bay (OW i figure).

It just doesn't seem fair and I decided not to be a doormat, jumping everytime he demands I be home, but not giving me the same respect. This may have backfired. Now he is more p.o.ed and blaming me than ever.

If this was a co-worker, I would have done the same thing - if we are going to have time agreements and stick to them, it needs to go both ways. I think that is fair.

Advice?

I'm also still agreeing to hold up my end - be where and when I said I would. But hoping for them to hold up their end too.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840716 - 09/19/09 05:59 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
That is a boundary. You need to set it and make him stand firm to it. Yes, you do deserve the same respect.
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1840721 - 09/19/09 06:10 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Thank you. I'm sure he won't want to give it, since it may impede on his time with OW. RRRRRGGGG!
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840728 - 09/19/09 06:26 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
I saw you posted that your H wants to you admit you've been separated since he moved out. Do you realize that will take away your ability to claim marital misconduct? Possibly?

And if you were to go forward with the legal separation then you need to put in there definite times he takes S. And he needs to take him over night one night a week and every other weekend. Let him see how hard it is you work and that this is a very different life when it's not two adults tag teaming to raise a child. Two is def. better (and easier frankly because kids are precious but so hard) than one.

He might be able to walk away from the marriage, but do does NOT get to walk away from being a father. Period.
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1840734 - 09/19/09 06:34 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
;He's a very good father, he is always here for S,that's not a problem - its the fuzzy details I don't like. And, he def. wants legal sep to begin BEFORE he started seeing OW. THat's not the reason he gave, but it's obvious.

But a while ago, before the bomb, I also slept with someone else. H knows. He could just as well use this against me.

As for my boundary - are you sure it's not pursuing? Am I being too pushy?
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

Top
#1840738 - 09/19/09 06:38 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
H comes over here three to four nights per week so sleep on the couch, put S to bed, and take S to school in the morning. He wants to show 50% caretaking I'm sure, but he also does it so that S can stay in his own bed and home and to spend time with him.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

Top
#1840743 - 09/19/09 06:43 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
Hope,
Keep your faith that this can be a new marriage. Always always. You know my situation, so you know that's what I'm doing.

With that, I have also protected myself. Despite having a great weekend....I have protected myself with my lawyer. While I've asked for an extension, I have also asked for lawyer's fees. In my eyes, that's the tripping point for H right now. I may pull it back because I can ask for it later if things really did progress that way but I put it in there for now to let H know, I'm not oblivious, I am aware of the reality that this could end.

If he wants to do the legal separation and you agree to it, do NOT agree that it started before OW. A one night stand or brief relationship is not the same as having an actual girlfriend while married in the courts eyes. He's protecting himself and blackmailing you to do it.

Maybe sit down with him and say "I love and appreciate how much time you are with S. But the fuzzy details are too hard on me and my schedule. To avoid fights in the future, let's create a schedule that's firm so you can make plans."
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1840770 - 09/19/09 07:44 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
I sent him an email saying just that (see above) but in way too many words. Same exact gist. I wish I hadn't been so emotional when I wrote it, and had kept it short like yours.

I already, at my L's advice, asked to have the legal sep. start the day we begin MC - and he blew his lid at me for HOUUUUURRRRRSSSS.I'm not going to get it.

He was mad because he thought I was digging in to his alone time. I was mad because I felt he was not being clear with me about the schedule for the rest of the day.


Edited by Hope4Luv (09/19/09 07:54 PM)
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

Top
#1840792 - 09/19/09 09:11 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
Do not do the legal separation....which as I understand it is just words from being a divorce anyways.

That's just my opinion, you have to make that choice for yourself. But it feels like a set up.
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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