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My questions here, aren't necessarily just about my W. I have had this same conversation with a ton a married women recently. In my case, I can see where I wasn't what she needed. I can also see that she ran into something that she couldn't see coming and sent her spiraling out of control. If it wasn't this particular trigger, it would have been another.
Do you all think the MLC can happen even when communication is good? I ask b/c of the prior comment, paraphrased, sometimes you don't know what is missing until you see how it can be.
Yes MW, we all play our part. We can all learn how to do it better. That is the bottom line. And that is stuff you can fix.
Is that the whole reason I find myself here? Unfortunately, as I am on this board versus another, I doubt it. I didn't ignore my H when he was a child. I didn't expect him to be a grown up when he was 6. I didn't not provide a positive male role model for him. I didn't drink myself into oblivian and expect him to take care of the house when he could barely walk. I didn't do all of those things and many many others.
So am I the reason I find myself here. No. Am I the reason I shut down in my own M, sure. Can I use this to improve me, you bet. Can I see where I went wrong enough to know I won't do it again. Definately. That is my role in this. And I have to say, if this hadn't happened, I might not have that insight.
In a perfect world, I even believe that the perfect spouse might even mitigate the MLC to less than what we see here. And despite many people saying they were/are the perfect spouse...there isn't any such thing.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Just checking in with everyone. I went back east to visit family for a few days. I warned folks that I didn't want to talk about Her or the D. Everyone respected that. It was good to get loved on by all the little ones. Lots of good food, drink, love - family drama not-withstanding. It was just a nice break from life for awhile.
Before I left, the inlaws were in town to visit with Her. We got to meet up for a little while. They know far less about what has been going on than I do. Apparently, She won't talk to them about anything of significance. I'm not surprised. The secrecy thing I just don't get. If you are so gung ho to get divorced and have chosen a new path for your life, at least embrace it. Whatever. I like them. They've always treated me really, really well. We talked for a while. I got to tell them that I appreciated them.
I've been in a good place lately. I'm not sure what has changed, but something has opened up, or unlocked ... something. Maybe it is the time off. I don't know. Trying to embrace the moment. Trying to be selfish, not in the "at the expense of others" kinda way. More just trying to love on myself a little bit. Addressing what has been neglected.
D day is fast approaching - 10/8. Not a thing I can do about it.