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#1835011 - 09/09/09 02:30 PM Re: So now what? [Re: mountain_west]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
Don't kick yourself too hard in the nuts.

IF she is MLC then really unless you had a time machince you couldn't have stopped it. And really...a time machine? There would be so many other cool things to use it for.

Use this time to your advantage, you and your wife might go seperate ways, she might come back, you might even take her back. That is a lot of work by the way...more than you might think it is.

Either way, you'll be in a new relationship, and that is good, because the old you...the crappy one, he should be gone.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1835021 - 09/09/09 02:37 PM Re: So now what? [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
mountain_west Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 248
Loc: CO
My questions here, aren't necessarily just about my W. I have had this same conversation with a ton a married women recently. In my case, I can see where I wasn't what she needed. I can also see that she ran into something that she couldn't see coming and sent her spiraling out of control. If it wasn't this particular trigger, it would have been another.

Do you all think the MLC can happen even when communication is good? I ask b/c of the prior comment, paraphrased, sometimes you don't know what is missing until you see how it can be.
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#1835027 - 09/09/09 02:42 PM Re: So now what? [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2225
Jack, you got here before me.

Yes MW, we all play our part. We can all learn how to do it better. That is the bottom line. And that is stuff you can fix.

Is that the whole reason I find myself here? Unfortunately, as I am on this board versus another, I doubt it. I didn't ignore my H when he was a child. I didn't expect him to be a grown up when he was 6. I didn't not provide a positive male role model for him. I didn't drink myself into oblivian and expect him to take care of the house when he could barely walk. I didn't do all of those things and many many others.

So am I the reason I find myself here. No. Am I the reason I shut down in my own M, sure. Can I use this to improve me, you bet. Can I see where I went wrong enough to know I won't do it again. Definately. That is my role in this. And I have to say, if this hadn't happened, I might not have that insight.
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"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

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#1835034 - 09/09/09 02:46 PM Re: So now what? [Re: cat04]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
MY opinion:

MLC WILL happen, if the seeds have been planted. The severity of it...that is the question. Can we affect the severity? I think so.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1835041 - 09/09/09 02:52 PM Re: So now what? [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2225
ok jack, sticking out my tongue at your new signature. LOL

You are right, this was going to happen regardless. I know that. So it is what it is.
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

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#1836505 - 09/11/09 06:47 PM Re: So now what? [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
Jimbo Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 598
Loc: Northern VA
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
MY opinion:

MLC WILL happen, if the seeds have been planted. The severity of it...that is the question. Can we affect the severity? I think so.

Jack- When you say that you think we can affect the severity, did you mean with respect to making it better or worse?
_________________________

PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact change.
-Jimbo

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#1836513 - 09/11/09 07:14 PM Re: So now what? [Re: Jimbo]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
Jim - yup.

In a perfect world, I even believe that the perfect spouse might even mitigate the MLC to less than what we see here. And despite many people saying they were/are the perfect spouse...there isn't any such thing.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1838370 - 09/15/09 06:45 PM Re: So now what? [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
mountain_west Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 248
Loc: CO
Just checking in with everyone. I went back east to visit family for a few days. I warned folks that I didn't want to talk about Her or the D. Everyone respected that. It was good to get loved on by all the little ones. Lots of good food, drink, love - family drama not-withstanding. It was just a nice break from life for awhile.

Before I left, the inlaws were in town to visit with Her. We got to meet up for a little while. They know far less about what has been going on than I do. Apparently, She won't talk to them about anything of significance. I'm not surprised. The secrecy thing I just don't get. If you are so gung ho to get divorced and have chosen a new path for your life, at least embrace it. Whatever. I like them. They've always treated me really, really well. We talked for a while. I got to tell them that I appreciated them.

I've been in a good place lately. I'm not sure what has changed, but something has opened up, or unlocked ... something. Maybe it is the time off. I don't know. Trying to embrace the moment. Trying to be selfish, not in the "at the expense of others" kinda way. More just trying to love on myself a little bit. Addressing what has been neglected.

D day is fast approaching - 10/8. Not a thing I can do about it.
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#1838373 - 09/15/09 06:53 PM Re: So now what? [Re: mountain_west]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
Good for you MW.

Ever think that 'good place' is because you purposefully didn't dwell on her and lived life in the moment?

Being selfish : ) REALLY good for you. Feels nice doesn't it?

10/8 is several tomorrows away, live for today.

When people do not wish to be judged they try to be secretive, and usually they do not wish to be judged because they know they are lacking.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1838427 - 09/15/09 08:59 PM Re: So now what? [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Good for you MW.

Ever think that 'good place' is because you purposefully didn't dwell on her and lived life in the moment?

Being selfish : ) REALLY good for you. Feels nice doesn't it?


Amen to that brother!
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