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mw, sorry for your hurt and glad you're feeling better today. It is amazing how the sun still shines after such dark.

Chin up!


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW #1823589 08/21/09 04:51 PM
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Sweetie, I think you handled yourself beautifully yesterday with grace, dignity and honor and you can never go wrong being you.

My h walked away from a 31 year relationship without looking back. No one knows what is going on in their heads. Trying to figure it out will make you crazy.

So, you have to walk through and feel the emotions and then pick yourself up and continue on your journey.

I am thinking about you and wishing you peace.


Last edited by beginnersmind; 08/21/09 04:52 PM.
Golfgirl1 #1826616 08/26/09 05:38 PM
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These are just random thoughts I need to get out of my head. I've been trying to pinpoint what has been bothering me lately. I was watching TV the other day and there was this line I heard that sums up my frustration with my STBXW. "I mean so little to her that I don't even get the courtesy of a conversation." That about sums it up. I know she has feeling. I know she can't face them. This has to be her way right now. But it still doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm tired of thinking about it. At least I can put a name to it now.

DB C suggested I write this letter to her, basically letting her know that I understand why she chose to leave. I think I'm stuck on the way she proposed it to me ... "I was emotionally unavailable, so you became physically unavailable." I get that she may have FELT that I was unavailable, but that was not the case. I get that I contributed to the situation, but it's not so simple that she left in response to something I was incapable of doing. I need to let this go. I think I may change my point to "I understand how you felt I was emotionally unavailable." I don't know why it bugs me so much, but it just does.

I'm not so sure about the letter idea. When we parted ways last week, her last comment was "we've talked about us to death." I don't want to make this come across as me trying to get her to listen. DB C tells me that the point is to let her know that "I get it." I don't get it. I can understand her feelings. I can understand why she might think those things. I can't understand why the only solution is D, or sleeping with someone else, or any of the other weirdo things she has done.

I'm still processing. Just getting it out on paper. Or ... in print.





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Mountain
it doesnt makes sense and I think I went threu a similar stage of grief
like
Why couldnt xh just leave..think things thru...be alone for a while..grieve like the way I choise to deal with it
I believe part of it is really the crises
they were gone long before the bomb
they were defying life and laws of nature way before
I see it as total rebellion
now it is clear 2.5 years later b/c my xh is at rock bottom
he is stuck
he is remarried
in debt
on prescription drugs
unavailable to his kids, himself or anyone else
they defy nature for a time and GET away with it
the secrets, the lies, the affair, the hurt, the walking away with no conversations...
but it catches up
for the few fortunate MLCers, will find help and find their way back to themselves
the one they wanted to becomne before crises
for the others...I dont know
time will onlky tell with each situation
continue your grieving
your searching seeking praying believing
continue moving forward whatever that means to you for today
hold on to hope
believe for the best,be your best
write the letter
send it or not
chances are it will NOT matter anyway
maybe the dbc- just wanted you to take responsibility for the failure (your part) of the M
and let W know you understand now what you did wrong
I did that at one point
It did catch my xh ear when I said it
but unfortunately in my situation, it didnt make a difference anyway
peace
time --the crises will take time and you will see more later
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hey M, this is such hard stuff and its so hard to get your head around it. You are trying to understand something that she doesnt even understand. It doesnt make sense because it is crazy stuff.

I think if you are unsure about the letter, I would hold off on it. I dont know your whole sitch and I dont know what you and the DB C discussed, but, I am not sure what that letter would do at this point. Your w is not ready to hear any of that, in my opinion.

Sometimes it is best to be still, ya know? I spun around for many months trying to understand how h can do this, how he could walk away without a backward glance. You know what I figured out- nothing? You cant make sense out of the illogical. So, if you can, stop trying to make sense out of it. You will drive yourself crazy.

She is in crisis. She is lost, broken. It really doesnt matter why they do this, does it? It is what it is.

So, what are you going to do to move forward. Because if you keep trying to get this, you stay stuck. You chase your tail and never catch it.

It is important to be very objective in your part in the demise of your marriage. Not for her, for you. That is where you begin to take control of your life. That is where you begin the changes you want to make.

Hang in there. This journey can be so rewarding. It can make us become the person we were meant to be.

So, get back on it.

dl443322 #1828194 08/29/09 03:37 AM
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Just to catch everyone up ..

I've been looking back over my posts and it must seem like I am a mess. I'm not. Honest. Here is about the only place I have to vent and sort some things out. I appreciate all the folks checking in on me. I really do! I've been trying to identify what has been bothering me. I figure if I can name it, it will be easier to deal with.

Anyway ... last weekend I bought a motorcycle. I had to sell my last one to finance my move out here some 10 years ago. For the longest time I have been debating this purchase. Last weekend I went for a test drive. It's a used cruiser, fully loaded. Ok, so it is an impulse buy. It isn't practical. It isn't a necessity. I want it. I can afford it. It makes me happy. So there. I've had this internal dialogue since I've bought it. It dredges up some old, old issues with me, which I think is a good thing.

This week at work has been horrible, but at least it has allowed me to focus on something other than my M. I'm still standing for the M. I do want it to work out between us. But I'm not standing still. I haven't heard from Her since the court date. I still have some processing I want to do.





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MW, good for you! Just dont go having a MLC on us now, ok?

And not standing still is also a good thing.

No worries on coming here to vent. Thats what this place is for.

Listen, this is all a process. It all happens when its supposed to happen. You will get where to where you want to be in your own time. Let is all unfold, allow yourself some time to process it all.

dl443322 #1828329 08/29/09 04:15 PM
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An MLC of my own? Now THAT would be funny. Many years ago I bought a bike and took it on a tour of the NE. I was a teacher, so I had 2 months off. Being on it is a) relaxing b) forces you to take the back roads and c) provides amazing singularity of focus. During this tour I was out looking for some direction and finally found it. It was a good experience. I'm not trying to recreate my past or anything, just doing those things that I know work for me. I may be slow, but my work is poor. Haha.





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Interesting...my h is somewhere on his BMW motorcycle as I write this. He took the trip to get focused and try and figure out what the heck he wants. He'll be gone for a week and I hope he comes back maybe with a more clear direction, however I also know time moves so slowly for a MLCer that I don't know if it will be 'helmet time' for him. Maybe, just maybe enough to keep moving through the MLC tunnels...Hope you enjoy that bike!


Me 55
H 49
Married 21 years
No kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
divorced and moving forward 5/10

Life is all about Plan B
Golfgirl1 #1828812 08/30/09 09:27 PM
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Hey Golfgirl ~

Have you ever read my thread on the Newcomers forum? It is titled " Who Is This Stranger Living In My House?"

I recently talked about my H and the Harley.
We have a beautiful Ultra Classic Touring Bike that we both made the decision to buy.
I loved riding with him on that bike.
One of the first things that made me wonder if he was going through MLC was that he said he wanted to ride by himself a lot more. So he could think. The open road and time to think!! Uh Huh! The skank rides with him now.

When you have some time, go to my thread and find out what I recently realized. I can't believe I never thought of it before!
It's the footrest realization! laugh

Within the last month, I even came face to face with them on the bike. Coming back from a trip I was hoping he was on alone.
I hate that bike now. It's all I can do to keep from pushing that bike over whenever I pull into the garage.

I don't though.
It's not the right thing to do.
I will be the better person.
I will continue to treat him with unconditional love, be his friend, and be the better option that I know I am.
I also need to remember that he is not himself right now.
Not the one I married.

I put my FAITH in the LORD everyday.
I focus on HIM and not the situation.
It will turn around.
In HIS timing.
Until then, I will continue to pray for him.

MJ

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