No, I dont think that you should get him a copy of the book. But, if you leave it on the coffee table and he happens to see it, you could discuss it with him.
You have to remember, this didnt happen to your M overnight, this has been going on for years, and you are going to need some time and patience to repair things. Slow, slow, slow.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Would you tell us what the ages of you and your H are? That helps.
I would not completely leave it up to a counselor.....or anybody esle to tell you if you are a match for each other or not. I was rather shocked that your H would even suggest that somebody tell the two of you "if" you were a match or not. So....you mayneed to take a professional's opinion into a lot of consideration.
It sounds as if your H still has some serious doubts--and you get confused easily, so I personally think the two of you need to take a lot of time before getting back into a M with each other.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi2, I am 43 and he is 51. He is more of a think things through kind of a guy, and I wear my heart on my sleeve : ) We get along quite well. For the past week we have seen each other more for short periods and it just seems normal to be a family with him and our son, who is 6. It's almost like we're still married, except when we talk about "his place, my place" type things. My counselor said that "No counselor should ever say 2 people arn't a match", which I totally agree with because if 2 people love each other, the work needs to go in right?
That's my thinking. But, I do want to encourage you to take your time. Besides, you need to enjoy the "dating" part of your R with him. You've got the rest if your lives to be M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'd love to enjoy the dating time, but I think I could use some advice here ASAP, Little history for the week... H's dad passed away Monday, I've been very supportive, I made him a large lasagna (It's my Italian way), and he asked me to stand by him with our son at the funeral Friday. I attended the wake and we've been okay being together more than we have been lately. I even spent about an hour and a half before the wake at his apartment lightheartedly talking and we had lunch together (the lasagna). Fell back into old times as I warmed the sauce and plated food out as I used to.
Today is Sat, we had our son's soccer game and pics this morning and we both plan to attend a mutual couple's friends bday party for their daughter where the parents are invited. The problem for me, is it's very hard going from wife to friend. He had been talking to a friend of his about proper etiquette in these situations and thank you cards ect..and ended up doing it at the soccer game and after the game as we were driving home. I found it very hard to take because in the past he would have been turning to me for those things. Ugh, when he hung up the phone, he mentioned how that person was miss manners (friend of family), and I said, you know you could ask me, I know that stuff too. He replied:" I know and I have been." He hasn't really, but okay. When we started brainstorming on the subject we had been talking about, at one point he thought I was being sarcastic, but I really wasn't and explained myself. He knows me soooo well, I think he knows that it bothered me. So, should I say something to him about maybe doing that stuff on his own time? or should I let it be? I don't want to ruin anything while I'm just starting to get back to a possible reconciliation... This is soooo hard!
Mar, I am going to tell you the "gut feeling" I'm getting from reading your posts, okay? I think you are feeling rather panicky or maybe..."urgent" is a better word. It is as if you are scared to wait very long or he will back out of wanting to get M again. You have said several things that give me the impression that you're concerned that if too much times escapes that you might mess up, or there will be an argument, or something will happen and he'll have a change of heart. You seem as though you can't relax until you have that wedding band back on your finger and you are officially Mrs. ________.
Now, after saying that....let me say this. If I happen to be correct, he will sense this very strongly and it will run him off.....you realize that, don't you? For whatever the reason that is causing you to feel the way you do, you have to try to get a grip on it b/c it actually keeps you from being the confident woman he would like to have for a wife. I'm sure you've read the men think confident women are very sexy. Men don't want their W to be all possessive & jealous. He doesn't want a woman who tries to keep him all to herself. This is the type of woman that old M jokes are made about. (Don't you hate those?) You know....the "old chain & ball" type of jokes.
Why am I saying this? B/c you were honest enough to express your feelings about him asking a friend some questions that you were capable of answering and you were not happy that he didn't turn to you instead of them. This may not be a major problem....but I don't think it is a good sign that your R is where it needs to be when you are about to get M.
You said you didn't want to "ruin anything" while just starting a possible reconcilliation....and I understand what you mean, but at the same time it has me a little concerned. Again, it is as if you just want to get him back into a M with you and then you won't feel that you have to work at it so hard. As if you can "let down" and be more yourself and if something happens or is said that he doesn't like, then it doesn't matter b/c you'll be M by then. (I'm not explaining myself very well, but hope you know what I'm trying to say.)
I don't mean to sound offensive b/c I want to be able to help if I can, and offending you would not help matters. I just want to point out some things that I've picked up on.
Quote:
So, should I say something to him about maybe doing that stuff on his own time? or should I let it be?
Are you talking about him calling a friend to ask about the cards, etc.? If so, then I believe this could be seen a couple of different ways. First, you feel that he was using the time he could have spent with you by talking to somebody else. Well, I can see your point there....."if" you were on a very limited schedule. Was this friend he turned to a male or female? I would suggest that you let it go b/c honestly I think a man would see it as being petty. He would probably see it as you being jealous....if the friend is a female. I can see where it could be interputed as almost "rude" of him, but OTOH, maybe he is feeling that "old familiar feeling" of you being his wife and since you have stood by him through the passing of his dad, then he didn't think anything of doing what he did. I think it is a "guy thing" and they don't think like we do. We have to suck it up a lot of times just so they won't think we are jealous....when that isn't it at all.
I know this is so hard for you. It is probably a lot harder the second time around b/c he does know you so well. Just try to take it slow and easy, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No,I am not offended..especially when you hit the nail on the head! I do get panicky and worried something will happen to change his mind of reconciling. But its because when you are married, then you know the other person is in it for the long haul and to work out those differences, at this time in our lives, its like limbo, where you dont know what the other person is thinking. Its very uncomfortable place to be for me.
I will say this about tonight however. We attended a birthday party for mutual friends of ours, daughter with our son. We were both running late, my H called me to discuss his very disfunctional, alcoholic sister. He was upset that she drank too much and her boyfriend called my H to tell him about it, and as they were talking, she apparantly fell off her bicycle and cut her lip! She had been arrested for possession of something in the middle of last week, while planning the funeral for their father, ugh! He was very distrought over the whole thing. Without going into a lot of detail, we can suffice the relationship she thinks she has with her brother to be a little too close, she almost crosses the line as to the role she has in his life (counselor confirmed borderline personality disorder). Anyway, I expressed that she is just like our son! and tell sisters boyfriend to pick her up, get her a band aid and she will be just fine.
He did agree she was like a kid and there was absolutely no way he would want her to ever live with him. She wants to move into their fathers house with him it seems. Long story shorter, I told him that I was very sorry for him and didnt really know what to say and I didnt want to say anything that would offend him in any way. Maybe I was too close to the situation and let him know he might want to call my counselor, who counseled us before about her and he would be a lot of help. He also agreed that might be a good idea. In the end, I told him not to over-react as I do sometimes, and he has a couple of months before he plans on moving and things happen in that time. Worry when something happens not anticipating something to happen, some how and some way things always work out the way they are supposed to, and no matter what happens he could always count on me to be there and support him and help him through whatever life throws out there. So see you at the party, have a cocktail and chill for a while.
We spent 5 hours at the party together, always returning to each others side and ending up the only 2 in the downstairs room, watching a tv show on the couch together. Side by side, no touching or anything however. It was nice to just be, kind of like the old times. Then he took our son to his house for the night til tommorow. One woman there, we both know, (earlier in the night) decided to tell him I was a good girl and she hugged me to let him know she really meant that, (nice aye?) and then he said something like, well you must not know her that well, I think Ill go over here and refill my wine..half-laughing. Was cute. The woman commented that she thought there was a definite attraction going on between us. I was happy to hear that...
oh yeah, and about the phone call, it was a female friend of the family for years..and I did feel it was rude because A. He knows me well enough to know that would probably bother me, and B. Because he was in the car with us and he spoke with her 2 times (during the game and right after the game while walking to the car and while in the car) He hangs up and tells me everything, but I still found it to be rude. He might take it as a jealousy thing, but she is married with grown kids and grandkids. I dont find her much of a threat except that she probably gives him bad information.
A few threads ago, I mentioned my exH talking about maybe reconciling in the future, but I think what I found out was it may have been the martini's talking (didn't know til our talk last night that he had a few). Anyway, we talked last night about that possibility and he was very much against it, telling me to move on and not wait for him. That he is not ready for that yet and the D drained everything he had out of him. He has no problem living alone. No energy for any relationships, nothing to give me and that first you have to have romantic feelings for someone, and he looked at me and said which he did not have.
My response? I thought he had been giving me some mixed messages, based on his actions, he said he didn't mean to, he was trying to get along and be friends because it's the right thing to do for our son. I basically said, then, we should just pick up and drop our S in as short a time as possible and not hang out with each other or go to bday parties, ect.. together anymore. That I find it very difficult to just be friends without any glimmer of hope other than, as he said, maybe in a couple years, he could be ready but at that point maybe I will have moved on. We were both in tears, because he is so sad it's hard for him to talk about this and how much I hurt him (I understand), and I did let him know that I want to get our family back together more than anything and I'm very sorry for what happened, but it takes two people to get to the point we were at,
I ended up asking for the D, but he didn't fight for me either. All he said was that when I told him I had feelings for someone else, he told me to stop seeing him, with my honesty, I told him I didn't think that would be possible, because the feelings that were stirred up, just won't magically go away. Then he moved out, same day. Looking back I wish we would have started counseling right away. I feel so lost...
Oh my goodness! Things sure flip-flop around in a short amount of time, don't they?
I am really sorry that you've been through this and now told that he has no romantim feelings for you. It did seem that you were given mixed signals, but who knows what a man might be thinkng? However, let me say this to you, okay? You do not want to be M to anyone who does not have romantic feelings for you. He is saying that he's not sexually attracted to you. That is not any way to begin a M. It is not your fault if he doesn't feel that way, b/c we do with some and don't with some and that is just how we are! There are some great hunks out there, but it doesn't mean I'm wanting to have sex with them....know what I mean? Anyway, I don't think he should have told you that he might change his mind in a couple of years. That was low of him to even throw that out there b/c he had already dashed your hopes. Maybe he thought it was softening the blow, but again...that is some men's thinking.
I'm being straight with you.....I don't believe you should hang around and wait on your XH b/c it sounds as if he has other problems on his hands.....you know, with his sister. That sounds like some serious stuff there and she may be controling his decisions about what he is doing. That doesn't sound good to me. If I were you, there is no way I would waste my precious time with him. Life is too short and there are too many fish in the sea for you to hang around wondering if he might change hs mind in a couple of years. I can tell you that this kind of man will keep you hanging on and won't make any decision as long as he knows you'll be there. I wish you had not told him that you would be there for him. I know why you did, but honestly....you don't need this kind of stuff in your life. Even though you share a son with him, I think you should not have contact with him other than regarding the son.
Don't you think it is strange that he did not try to talk you out of a D when you wanted it? Now he doesn't want to get M when you offer yourself to him. You are too valuable to waste your time & life b/c that is what you'll be doing with him. It hurts right now, but you seem like one who can bounce back. I think that you want security and that is why you were wanting back in the M with him. Please, please do not get M to anybody who is not willing to wak through fire for you. You want a man who loves you enough to fight for you and this man practically gave you away.
So, have a good cry and then make up your mind that you will have a good life without that burden. You will better off. I hope you will find the right man b/c he is out there waiting for you. Just don't be in a hurry. Hope you'll come back and tell me what is going on b/c I do want to hear what's happening.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
