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#1840828 - 09/19/09 11:17 PM Divorced, big mistake!
mar1713 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 104
My divorce was final about 1 yr ago...we were having a difficult time, our lives became stale and unhappy much of the time. We have one child together. Unfortunately, in a moment of weakness I let someone else convince me to leave the marriage. I was honest from the start about my feelings for someone else, and he just left that day. I had a very bad counselor that, looking back did Not do anything to help me think the whole thing through rationally or I would never have left. I loved my ex-husband, and practically begged for my needs that weren't being met. Now, 1 year later, I would do anything to bring our family back together. We have been friends the whole time, he has been a great support the entire time and I think we really like and respect each other. I'm surprised much of the time of how wonderful he is to me after all we've been through. Lately, we've been doing few things together with our child, so I'm hoping there's a chance we can rebuild somehting we let go so easily. I learned a lot this past year and my mistakes, I understand and they would never happen again. I have been seeing a fantastic counselor now and have been working a lot on my stuff. I hope I can be a success story someday too..

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#1840836 - 09/19/09 11:59 PM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: mar1713]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10774
We welcome you to the board and hope you will have a success story soon. If your exH is not interested in OP by now, hopefully that is a good sign. You know what attracted him to you when he fell in love the first time, so if you can be that way again.....then he could fall in love all over again. Being friends is a great way to get there.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#1840848 - 09/20/09 12:44 AM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: sandi2]
bluerain Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/08
Posts: 1501
Loc: Alaska
Hi Mar, Im glad that you decided to try it over here. Have you read the DB books? Has he started seeing anyone? Sandi is right, he could fall in love with you again! I also noticed that you said that your lives had become stale, have you done anything to add excitement to your life?

Have you ever approached him about reconciling? Im not recommending that you do this, I just think that his reaction to something that you may have said about it in the past could be useful.
_________________________
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...

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#1840877 - 09/20/09 03:10 AM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: bluerain]
orangedog Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/09
Posts: 1181
Sounds like same story as my xW.

Your H may have backed off to protect himself from further hurt. Reconcile? Could happen. Be prepared to recognize and admit things you didn't see at the time.
_________________________
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh

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#1840936 - 09/20/09 10:21 AM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: orangedog]
Buttercup37 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/09
Posts: 126
Welcome Mar! I hope it works out for you too! What new things are you trying in your treatment of your ex? I would say don't push the relationship talk - but at some point you will have to tell him that you've seen your part in the relationship failing and tell him all the reasons that you fell in love with him to begin with. However there is no way to know how he'll react....his defenses might be up big time. Showing him through kind, considerate actions and lots of Thank yous/appreciation voiced for the kind things that he does for you (no matter how small)is your best way to confirm that your words are sincere. (This is what I've gleaned from reading DB, M/V, and LHF...don't know if it'll save my marriage yet but am seeing small positive reactions to my changes so far.)

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#1840958 - 09/20/09 12:48 PM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: Buttercup37]
Deep Offline
Member

Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 431
I would add my best wishes that your R can get reconciled, but I do have this much to add too ...

"Moment of weakness"? Please, could WASes just be more honest, starting with themselves? I've seen and heard this from more WASes than I care to remember in the last couple of years, including my own W. Calling an A or a going into WAW mode a "mistake" or "moment of weakness" is the understatement of the freaking decade. As someone said somewhere, a "mistake" is leaving the windows open and it rains. A "moment of weakness" is taking that ice cream when you're on a diet.

It's also logically impossible to have "been honest from the start about your feelings for someone else". Or are you saying you spontaneously fell in love with the other guy? The usual sitch would be 2 people meeting as "special friends", confiding about problems in the M, and "falling in love despite not planning for it to happen". I'm pretty sure most would not keep their S informed of those meetings.

And while you may not have had a good counseller, don't blame everything on him/her. The decision you made was yours and yours alone.

You want a way back, it starts with remorse, something I don't really see in your post. Regret is not remorse. The journey starts with knowing where you are starting from, and just a belated recognition that you had deliberately shattered something meaningful is probably not good enough.

I'm not attacking you, this is just something I have strong views on. Rant over, I do think it's great you want to reconcile and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
_________________________
Me 42
W 39
Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992
First Bomb: Sep 2007
Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007
Kids: D10, S5
Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak.
3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.

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#1840987 - 09/20/09 01:52 PM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: mar1713]
tristan Offline
Member

Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 719
Originally Posted By: mar1713
Unfortunately, in a moment of weakness I let someone else convince me to leave the marriage. I was honest from the start about my feelings for someone else, and he just left that day.


Hi Mar.

First, I really hope things work out for you. It is great that you want to try to reconcile.

I was wondring if you could elaboate on this a little more. I guess you told him you were going to leave because you were in love with OM? So your H decided he wouldn't stick around and left on his own accord? How did the OM "convince" you to leave the M? What were your feelings toward H at the time you left? What happened with the OM? What made you change your mind about the marriage?

This seems somewhat similiar to my situation. My W has left me because she is in love with another man. I do not believe he is good for her, but there is nothing I can do about it but move on. I am interested in part because I would like to know some insight into what my W may be thinking/feeling right now. But I think by answering these questions you may get some more feedback. I know I will be following this thread.

Also,

Thanks,
- T


Edited by tristan (09/20/09 01:58 PM)
_________________________
Me: 36, W: 33, M: 10 yrs
Bomb: 1/09, Seperated: 9/09, Piecing Begins: 10/09

My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=91&page=1

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#1841151 - 09/20/09 10:15 PM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: tristan]
mar1713 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 104
Ok, let me elaborate a little bit more and be very honest with a whole panel of people I don't know here...(I've never done this before). About 10 years ago, me and this other guy dated for a short time. It ended quickly..things were left without closure. I was very mad at him for all those years, however, also curious as to what the heck really happened, the way he left the first time may have been a clue for some but it wasn't for me. What happened was when we started to get serious, he fled fast!, But I thought it was because he was just divorced which is kind of what he eluded to. So. My life went on and I met my husband, he was wonderful, I was very in love with him, however he was a very factual guy, didn't do a lot of sugar coating (which apparantly I need), the romance I thought he lacked was actually there, but he did it in his way, which I now recognize, and lastly and possibly the biggest reason I was so blinded by the OM was because I was what the DB book calls sex-starved. I'm not sex crazy, I just wanted to feel desired. Something I talked about with my husband a lot, and we just couldn't get through it. He was never really a sexual guy and I knew it but there were sooooo many other qualities that I loved about him I thought I could do without that part. We even went to a counselor (the bad one), on the subject and it resulted in me just accepting and learn to live with that, I knew I would Never leave him, I didn't want to. But then shortly after that revelation, I ran into the OM again (8yrs later) and he apologized profusely about how things ended years ago. He said he would help me with my business I wanted to start by building me a website (part of his work), for free, and my husband and I both agreed that would be okay. After meeting with the OM a few times in a work environment, we had the opportunity to talk about the past and he was charming and convincing and said everything right! He told me he wanted to marry me, he said it was his biggest mistake in life that he didn't see it then, without going into a lot of boring detail, it was fairy tale like. (All his friends, (after we started living together) confirmed that to be true ,always saying, so you're the girl we heard about for the last 8 years). Well, I started having feelings for him, but I respected my husband too much and know how I'd feel about cheating, so I told him how I was feeling and he moved out that day.(We made a pact that if we ever had feelings for another we would tell each other) The OM and I started living together a few months later after my marriage had obviously ended in divorce and almost immediately the OM started very suttely distancing. To make a long story short, he is a severe commitment phobe. Everything was a lie. All I asked was for honesty and respect and I got neither. And in the end, he didn't get the engagement ring he custom made for me, instead he walked out one night and walked back into his parents house where Mom does his laundry and Daddy helps him pay the bills. He left me with a house I cannot afford that we had been renting and bills he was paying while we tried to build his biz. Oh yeah, and believe it or not, both the OM and my Ex would go to my son's school and extra curricular functions and my ex even came to our house where we had our son's birthday party. My Ex really took the high road and they both seemed to get along for Noah's sake anyway. As my relationship with the OM broke down, I would talk a little about it with my Ex, we had a fantastic relationship through the whole thing and he was always supportive, more than many people would be. Somehow I think we managed to keep the respect we had for each other intact. Everytime I picked up our son at his house, he had pictures of us on his computer, of our lives together, I thought that was a nice thing to do, so our son would remember those times. We are contemplating taking our son to DIsney next year together, I think that's probably a good sign. Next weekend we are both going to attend one of our friends houses for a birthday party for their daughter together. It's kind of strange, but I'm glad we're friends. I hope he will want to re-build with me someday, and my new counselor said that if that does happen, that we should see him first to work out whatever needed to be worked out so we don't fall into the same pattern I guess. But what I learned from all this is what is really important to me, what matters, and all the ways he was there for me through the good and bad, times.Sometimes, I have to admit though, I felt like I ruined his life because we had a lot of stress having to deal with my first husband and a battle over my 2 daughters, and then my Mom got Alzheimer's and he helped me with her. Moving her home, into 2 different nursing homes, ect.. it was stressful. I didn't notice while I was in the relationship, but I can see clear as day now how much our relationship had to endure. It all had happened so fast, it was a whirlwind...

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#1841915 - 09/21/09 11:38 PM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: mar1713]
bluerain Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/08
Posts: 1501
Loc: Alaska
It helps if you put these long posts in paragraphs!

Is this OM still in the picture at all? If he is, I would think that he needs to not be if you really hope to work on your M.

Its a good sign that the two of you can communicate in a friendly way, and I agree with your counselor that it would be a good idea to start right off the bat with help!
_________________________
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...

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#1841921 - 09/21/09 11:48 PM Re: Divorced, big mistake! [Re: bluerain]
tristan Offline
Member

Registered: 07/29/09
Posts: 719
Originally Posted By: bluerain
Its a good sign that the two of you can communicate in a friendly way, and I agree with your counselor that it would be a good idea to start right off the bat with help!


I would not use him though and I am surprised he is suggesting it. Since he is your IC, your ex-H would have a more difficult time building trust with him as a MC. I would suggest you find someone completely independent to start MC. Have you approached your H about this idea?


Edited by tristan (09/21/09 11:49 PM)
_________________________
Me: 36, W: 33, M: 10 yrs
Bomb: 1/09, Seperated: 9/09, Piecing Begins: 10/09

My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=91&page=1

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