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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Well, he already moved out four months ago.

Tonight I'm feeling rage I didn't know I had. He told me he will not stop seeing the OW and it's up to me to prove in therapy that I'm better than her.


Hope,

I know the feelings your describing well. Just like Felix, my W refuses to put her crack pipe (OM) down too. To hell with the OW. You don't need to prove anything to anybody except yourself. Time to start assessing where things went wrong in your MR, what your contributions were to the problem(s) and how you intend to address them with yourself.

Quote:
He's very hurt from some things I've done in the past. I've blamed myself since he left.


He has been gone four months and before that, how long was Felix putting you through hell? Seems to me your done apologizing to dumba$$ and blaming yourself. Enough! I'm with Stuck- time to start playing hardball.

Quote:
Tonight I'm furious that he blames me to justify his actions. I am furious that he won't admit his part in the disintegration of our marriage. I've done a lot of things wrong, and that is why he left. But I'm tired of that being the end of the story.


Of course he won't accept accountability for his role in the MR- I don't think any of these WAS ever do- it's everybody else's fault.

Quote:
And then, yesterday we had the best day together as a family that we've had since he left. He spent every minute with us and it felt so solid. We stayed up talking until four in the morning - he opened up to me in ways that he hasn't since he left. I got the closeness feeling I've been wanting for months, yet I have all these bombs dropped too. I don't understand what's going on. It's so confusing.

I feel completely mind f***ed. It such a roller coaster ride, I don't know what to think or feel.


I hate to say this Hope, but it sounds like Felix (do you mind if I call him Felix?)is just trying to butter you up here in order to gain your cooperation. I had similar experiences with my W earlier in my sitch too. My W stopped the nonsense when it became apparent I wasn't buying it anymore.

For now, be selfish- think and feel only for yourself.

Hang in there, you will get through this.

Take care.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Stuck and BigJohn are right.

Here's what you need to find out, first and foremost....IF you agree to this separation, does that legally allow him to date other people?

I ask this because in my state, once someone files, they can date, screw around, do whatever they want because in the state's eyes, they are basically single and are no longer in the marriage officially since they filed. HOWEVER, if they are still married, no filing, and they have an OP, that's marital misconduct and should it go to divorce the spouse that was not involved with an OP or another relationship is going to be able to take the cheater to the cleaners.

Your H may already know this, hence he wants the legal separation, and if that's the case, do NOT agree to anything legal. Keep the ball in your court, which in case you don't realize, you do have.

Now, you maybe saying, I don't want him to stay in the marriage because he's afraid of going to divorce court against me. Fine, yes that's not a good reason, but you need to buy time.

It doesn't matter why he stays, just that he does. Then you have the time to create the best relationship you can....so that in the future when he has stayed in it, it will be for the right reason.....basically, the ends justifies the means. Understand?

Do NOT agree to this legal separation.

What's more, I'm not sure he's convinced he wants a divorce.

And yes, he's going to do everything he can to make you the crazy bad wife to justify to everyone why he's trying to do this. Stop fighting with him, NOW. Do NOT give him more fuel.

You can do this. You just need to calm down and I can't remember who wrote down what you needed to say, but I agreed with it. It was beautiful and perfect. No, you can't kick him out but you can send the very clear message you don't share.

More than once, I told my H, "You think you can do better than me? What are you waiting for?" I've said this in more recent days....not in the beginning when I was a scared idiot. Before I found DBing. I wish I had said it to him the first night, but neither here nor there now.

You can do this. You can turn this around. Your ability to stay calm and install the filter is going to be your greatest weapons. (The filter is installed between your brain and mouth. Don't say what you really want to say out of emotion, pretty much say the most unexpected, calm rational thing you think of....basically the opposite of what your emotions would say.)

No legal agreement....if you can help it. Find out why from a legal stand point of why he would want it.


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It's a no=fault divorce state. OP or whatever cannot be factored in. I am just telling him I'll go along with it to buy me some time. Meanwhile he's been spending 95% of his time at home and being angry way less often since we talked about this.

I'm still going to hardball it with my lawyer and if I don't accept it, I can blame it on my lawyer smile

The other idea is that - he claims this is to protect both of us financially - in case of divorce, so I'm going to look at other options like a post-nup, etc.

He claims his lawyer told him not to go to therapy until legal separation claims are filed so that it doesn't look like reconisiliation. I am also going to debate this with my lawyer.

I may call his bluff and tell him let's get a D after talking to my L. Then I'll say that is what I was recommended to do and he can't blame me - like he always does.

But I'm staying calm - always.

Meanwhile, I'm looking at myself and being the best wife I can be. He'll see what he's missing.


Me: 42
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PS He is also putting in the legal agreement to go to MC for six months and not to file a D for a year. I intend to ask him to at least double this if I do agree to sign. I haven't yet. I'm just not giving him the pleasure of talking about this until my lawyer sees it.


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Originally Posted By: Stronger
HOWEVER, if they are still married, no filing, and they have an OP, that's marital misconduct and should it go to divorce the spouse that was not involved with an OP or another relationship is going to be able to take the cheater to the cleaners.


Wow I like Florida law! Too bad I'm living in California right now (No fault D State).

Quote:
More than once, I told my H, "You think you can do better than me? What are you waiting for?" I've said this in more recent days....not in the beginning when I was a scared idiot. Before I found DBing. I wish I had said it to him the first night, but neither here nor there now.


This is a great attitude for an LBS to have. Very appealing. Hope, this is the message you need to get across to your H. Great advice from Stronger.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Quote:
He claims his lawyer told him not to go to therapy until legal separation claims are filed so that it doesn't look like reconisiliation. I am also going to debate this with my lawyer.


Sounds like you H's attorney has his best interest at heart.

Quote:
I may call his bluff and tell him let's get a D after talking to my L. Then I'll say that is what I was recommended to do and he can't blame me - like he always does.


Hope, wait until you are fully informed and you have a plan in place before you make any ultimatums to your H. Once you and your attorney have decided on a course of action, break things down for your H. Don't bother bluffing- decide in advance what your decision is going to be and stick to it regardless of what your H says or does as your H will likely think you ARE bluffing and will try to call your bluff.

Quote:
Meanwhile, I'm looking at myself and being the best wife I can be. He'll see what he's missing.


Exactly.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: BigJohn
[quote=Stronger]
Quote:
More than once, I told my H, "You think you can do better than me? What are you waiting for?" I've said this in more recent days....not in the beginning when I was a scared idiot. Before I found DBing. I wish I had said it to him the first night, but neither here nor there now.


This is a great attitude for an LBS to have. Very appealing. Hope, this is the message you need to get across to your H. Great advice from Stronger.

Assuming the message is delivered with confidence and not anger.

I'm not in this exact situation but I can recall several times when W expressed to me her confidence in herself in different ways like she's a good person, good catch, good mother, forgiven herself and me, etc. Those things really struck me and pulled me in. If they had been delivered in any way other than gently with love and kindness, I would have gone the other direction.

Last edited by RedSoxFan; 09/08/09 11:36 AM.

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Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
PS He is also putting in the legal agreement to go to MC for six months and not to file a D for a year. I intend to ask him to at least double this if I do agree to sign. I haven't yet. I'm just not giving him the pleasure of talking about this until my lawyer sees it.

I'm not up to speed on this whole story but I'm wondering why anyone would create or sign a document with MC and do not file clauses? I wouldn't. Seems like you're trying to have this document do too much. W and I have a legal maintenance agreement that protects both parties interests, primarily financial. IMO it's better to let the DBing process take over from there...again, IMO!

I live in a no fault state...auto accidents and marriage accidents <-- BTW that's a joke ;-)

Last edited by RedSoxFan; 09/08/09 11:41 AM.

AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
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Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

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One last thought on financial agreements.

In my view I like a simple legal document drawn up by attorney and legally notarized because even though its a binding legal document, it doesn't have the same psychological implications as formal legal separation.

I was in to see our CPA last week about taxes. He asked me to sign a waiver protecting himself because my wife and I were separated. I said, no we're not legally separated, we're living in separate places with a legal document (maintenance agreement). He said that it was just as strong as a judge ordered separation.

So for my money its a good approach.

Last edited by RedSoxFan; 09/08/09 12:04 PM.

AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

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Hope,
I live in a no fault state too. Please ask your lawyer what I recommended. I had no idea about any of this until I spoke with a lawyer. And I realized, had H had the balls to file in January, there would have been no marital misconduct according to the state because filing is enough proof he really wanted out of the marriage.

Please please really reconsider this legal separation. He hasn't gone straight for divorce and there's a reason...you need to find out what it is.

The people I've met who've gotten legal separations, two of them, it was a matter of religion for one man and for the other, it was financial....the spouse who wanted out had amazing health coverage but didn't want to leave his spouse high and dry, so they legall separated, so he could date and she couldn't hit him with marital misconduct in the future. They are still legally married and both living with OTHER people. Weird, but true.


M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy
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