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THanks friends, details later


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Well MC was interesting - I guess "normal" from what I read on these boards, but I'm depressed.

H goes into what "he should have done differently" in our R since early on. Apparently "it was clear" to him that "I" had particular issues he "should have never put up with" from the beginning. H claims he was going with convention, not his true feelings, when agreeing to move in with me, and I assume I will hear more along the same lines as to marrying me, having a child, etc.

The depressing part is all of his "regrets" at his "own choices" were in not drawing a stronger line with ME or keeping more distance FROM ME. No mention of his abusive tendencies. No openess to what I have suffered. I made the point that it went two ways and that there were things that "I should have drawn a line with him" about but I was trying to listen and validate. I did own up to my tendency to engage in fights with him and that I also should have drawn the line with myself. But still no mention of his part in those fights.

I did admit the things I have done wrong - and that I am working now to change them. MC says H has to "experience" the changes, not just hear promises, before he believes them.

So that goes with DB - keep making my changes.

But I still feel totally blamed for any and all problems in our relationship. I only heard H taking responsibility for not drawing a line with me sooner.

Guess that is the WAS script? Guess that is why piecing is so hard?

Says he still doesn't know if/how he should set boundaries in this R and look at his own shortcomings (gee wouldn't that be nice) or if he should walk away and say it just isn't right for him.

He also admitted that since H left, his attitude has been that he should sacrifice nothing at all for the R to work, if it will at all. H did admit that this "may" be an extreme way of dealing with the problems in our R. MC agreed that H making no sacrifices, and me (admittedly) being willing to sacrifice anything to save M are two extremes that aren't healthy. Hope H thinks about that.

The only crack in the wall I could detect was that he was pondering the possibility that his position is extreme. What I put together is that he felt he didn't listen to himself as to what was working for him, and instead did what he "thought was right". He didn't always express that, and I sometimes didn't hear him when he did. So his attitude since leaving has been an extreme polarization to the other side - instead of ignoring his feelings and needs, he has focussed solely on his own feelings and needs.

My pain is in that nowhere in there did i hear my needs or feelings. I did not bring that up but it's what I'm suffering with tonight.

Very sad after such a wonderful, close holiday break.

Could be a sort of MIL? He's only 35, but a very serious person and overacheiver since his youth. Could be that he never got in touch with his true self, while trying to win approval in being very successful and perfect. So his demanding, bullying, aggresive stance of late could be his immature way of asserting his "true self" - at least in his eyes.

None of this helps me feel loved, appreciated, heard, empathized with. But I guess this is where we start.

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 12/29/09 05:52 AM.

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Ok, so things keep getting better. I spoke up last night, since we are now having R talks = and told him I felt upset like H was saying his ONLY regret was not distancing from me. He laughed and said, no that there are plenty of mistakes to go around and he knows it.

He invited me to watch a show with him and we laughed and had a nice night. More open talking. He's really coming around.


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Am glad to hear you're spending time together, Hope.

As for all of his regrets, about how he shouldn't have "put up with it"... bollocks. Nobody stuck a gun to his head and made him.

Don't bring it up again though. Just validate what he says. Hopefully he is validating your feelings.


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Well I had to make it clear in MC that they were still his choices, even if he claims to have just "gone along with something". I don't totally buy it, and neither did the therapist. However, I think my H does get stuck in "I have no choice" mode quite frequently and that is an excuse to not take responsibility. But the tide seems to be turning a bit -

H has validated my feelings recently, although last session was about me listening and validating him. But as recently as the last couple of nights, he has admitted to making a lot of mistakes. Far cry from the constant blame I have received for the last eight months! H has also heard me in the last couple of weeks when I set a boundary with his verbal rudeness. I even have had some apologies. I think he is softening and becoming a wee bit able to be vulnerable and try to trust again.

I'm nervous that when work gets back into ft mode, he will get all stressed and more abusive and shut down. Hopefully not. I'm still going with the listen and validate thing, even when I have to vent on here like I did yesterday! lol

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 12/30/09 03:04 AM.

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I'll give my H credit though - he keeps saying he's ready to go over all the hard stuff of our M in MC -- including having to listen to my side of things. We shall see. We've only just begun...

Another good sign = since H left, we have a schedule for S5 (H stays over here at the house on his nights). Tuesday is not his night, it's mine. I usually don't hear from him since it's just our routine. Tonight I got a txt, "Wanted to let you and S know I'm going out tonight so won't be there but will see you tomorrow."

If you've followed my sitch, not only does H disappear on his nights off from S, I usually have to track him down for his nights to find out what time he'll be here, etc. This is so unusual! He spent the last week here (vacation time and all) nonstop, so I suppose it was an extension of the time we've all been spending together - but man, that unsolicited and unnecessary text felt wonderful and is a good sign!

Last edited by Hope4Luv; 12/30/09 06:17 AM.

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Needing DB reminders!

Reacting inside, trying to say nothing until I know the right thing to do - pls. help!

last week we were so close, this week he is taking time off from work, which is good in that there hasn't been the usual verbal lashings. But he's been going out and not inviting us, or offering to take S at all. Feels like he's rubbing my face in the fact that he's going out with friends (I often wonder if there's a girl, but probably not), and going on hikes ALONE - (presumably) but no offers of taking S or definitely not me. Also refuses to join us to family friends' house when invited.

Don't want to pursue! Want to act like I'm too focussed on my life to care. But also wanting to take advantage of any free and relaxed time H has - he's here tonight, even though we've been spending every night together, I've gone back to retreating into my room to only come out if invited (otherwise, showing I'm too busy) = this is what I did before when he was behind the stone cold brick wall, but now that there's cracks in the wall - do I approach? Do I invite him for a show tonight? for some time this week? Or do I keep doing my own thing and only respond if pursued by him? HELP

So, there's hot and cold. Well luke warm and cold. Guess it goes in waves. Must be a pullback. Guess I just act "as if" - like if we had no problems, I would support him going out by himself. He never did this before he left, so it feels threatening. Advice as to how to respond when he dangles that stuff in front of me?

I know I'm supposed to do my own things, GAL, not pursue but I feel like he's "DBing" me! All this mystery and independence does get my goat. Advice?


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Hope,

Thank you for checking in on me. I posted an update on my sitch when you have the time. Sounds like things are going relatively well in your sitch including the MC. I think the alone time your H is pursuing right now is probably a good thing- he needs time to work some things out on his own outside of MC.

Continue to be patient regarding what is happening in MC right now. I know from experience that it can be discouraging, but you just have to take a very long view of things as it is going to take time to reach your objective. And undoubtedly there will be backslides, hopefully none too severe.

I think you are doing great. Take care and I'll check back in when I can.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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