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#1840216 - 09/18/09 07:05 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Stronger
I think you are very clear in what you are doing and what you want.
You are in a different boat than many here in that your children are adults. I think it was a call for you to make to tell your son or not depending on the relationship you have with him. It sounds as if you are close to each other.
Do get a lawyer.
Oh, and her telling you she’d take you to the cleaners…..that’s a common misconception women have. I have a male co-worker. His wife cheated on him, walk into their divorce with that attitude and walk away with nada after he had very little problem proving he wanted to reconcile AND she cheated him.
Courts are also more prone toward equal time between parents, no matter what the parents want. It’s come to light, that is better for the kids. A lot has changed in terms of divorce and the once upon a time assumed outcome.
I can’t believe the gaul…..she cheats on you and wants to threaten you about telling the truth about her cheating ways?

Stronger - who is this in response to? Doesn't quite fit my sitch smile


Edited by Hope4Luv (09/18/09 07:06 PM)
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840226 - 09/18/09 07:14 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
Yes, that's script. BUT...

There's still an important message in it.

"I've been hurt"

"I don't trust you."

The thing about script is that to an extent, you have to blow it off and not take it personally. But don't discount it entirely because there are some nuggets in there.

Sometimes you need to listen and validate. Sometimes you need to blow it off. And *always* you need to not let it upset you.
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1840233 - 09/18/09 07:19 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Dia]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
So... that's what I'm dealing with ... his hurt and distrust. The plan for that is.. listen and validate? That is what I have been trying to do when we do have R talks that is. We are also going to start MC next month and I will practice a lot of that. Anything else I can do to help mend the hurt and distrust? That is definitely his main message = he's been hurt, can't get over past hurts, doesn't trust me that it will be different.

I'm feeling awful about how I've hurt him. I know that he's hurt me just as badly. But I also know the first and most important thing I can do is look at myself. Stop the blame. I have really worked hard on this. It's awful to know I've hurt him. I wish I could take back the past and so does he. He says he doesn't know if he can get past the past (lol that sounds funny but it's real). I guess giving him time, space, validation, compassion, and dealing with my own anxiety and fear of losing him so that I"m "ok no matter what" is the plan?

Any more advice?

Thanks Dia, I really see you as so strong ( and hilarious I love your thread!) and have come a long way with successful DB. THanks for the responses!
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840257 - 09/18/09 07:47 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
Uh-Oh! I made a mistake too, I meant to post this somewhere else! Sorry that's why it makes no sense!
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1840382 - 09/18/09 11:42 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Panicking here - H always comes home for Friday night dinner (religious ritual) and I've emailed and texted today asking if he is coming and what time. H always calls or emails back with answer.

Nothing today. Dinner starts in half an hour.

My 180 - will not call or text. I'm steaming inside - furious - old me would have kept calling. I'm going to be upbeat and light whenever he calls -hether tonight or tomorro w- but I have to "keep going with my life". Right? Ugh. I can do this.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840390 - 09/19/09 12:09 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
RedSoxFan Offline
Member

Registered: 08/15/09
Posts: 573
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
I can do this.


You **CAN** do it smile
_________________________
AKA: "Ben the school teacher"
---
Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20
Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08
My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09
W w/OM 6/09-11/09

My Intro Thread

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#1840393 - 09/19/09 12:12 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: RedSoxFan]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
THank you RSF I needed to hear that right now - I'm about to start dinner without him and I'm having a huge panic attack. Oh the fury in my veins.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840396 - 09/19/09 12:15 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
He walked in claiming he didn't get my text, then stormed off. OUCH>
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

Top
#1840403 - 09/19/09 12:25 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
Ok, just stay calm. Act as if that never happened. Whatever his crap is, it's not yours. Ignore it like a small child having a temper tantrum. And he did get the text.

It's hard to remember this, but sometimes, it's not about you. It's their crap. Leave it alone.
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1840460 - 09/19/09 02:50 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
But from a guys' perspective - how to lure back the man? I know what a woman likes from a man, but I have no idea what a man likes. If he wants space - if he is unsure anything will change, if he is hurt from a lot of years past - how to get a guy opening up and trusting and wanting to try again?


Hope,

A good place to start to get a better understanding on this topic would be to read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. I think that once you understand the basic needs of men as outlined in this book, you can look to fine tune your approach to your H based on his particular personality type. For example, I am more of an aggressive/confident personality type therefore one of the behaviors that I find attractive in a woman is assertiveness. If the shoe was on the other foot in my sitch and my W was like Stronger, she'd have me eating out of her hand in no time. Alternately, a Type B (passive) man would likely feel uncomfortable and maybe even intimidated by a woman who exhibited that type of behavior.

I think that when you are considering how your H may be feeling about being unsure, dealing with years of hurt, wanting to trust you and wanting to try again, you don't have to do a lot of heavy thinking. I think that if you gave some consideration about how you would feel under the same circumstances, you would likely be close to the mark. That is one of the advantages of being a woman- you are much more naturally in tune with your feelings whereas it usually takes some trauma for a man to come closer to the same sensitivity.

Another advantage you have with your H is that unlike a woman, your H will likely be responsive on some level to considerations beyond just his feelings. (No offense meant here!)

Hang in there!
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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