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I'm laughing Oz - "more of what works ... " Unlike the aliens, I've only got one head of hair to cut and that's the only thing that did appear to work on Thursday *lol* !!!!

Rabbit - I have done the photo of the cats thing previously and he didn't like it one bit! He said that it was emotional blackmail so, whilst I hear you, it didn't work in my case. Talking of such however, I did ask him on Thursday about the video he emailed with a cat and his comment that it was the cutest thing in the world that he had ever seen. I reminded him that his own cats do things 10 times more cute than in the video. H looked sad at that comment, got up, played with Cat15 and then picked him up, hugged him tight and kissed him. He said that he knew that his cats were much lovlier but all he meant was that in the 'internet' scheme of things, it was the cutest he had come across. H does miss the cats and he said that he had been really sad about them last week. He misses them more than he does me, that's for sure - he didn't play with me, pick me up or give me kisses!!

What I did hear from H was that he WANTS it to be all about him just now. I was saying something to him and he retorted sharply saying "see, it's always about you. I said something and you dismissed it just to tell me how that affected YOU. Well, I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about ME". After having said that, he was very concerned about my latest 'injury' which is a very sore finger (sounds pathetic but it's really debilitating)!!

Hearing that H wants it all to be about him, I was mindful of affirming his words (his LL) and when H said that he was tired and looking forward to a good lie in today I decided that I would email him last evening to say that I hoped his weekend was restful. I also put in a few lines about the cats and the frog that has taken up residence on top of the pool blanket but it was light and humorous. That done, I shall now go quiet again ... and wait.

This is the clincher for me though - I have to work on listening and saying more about him. I think that it's all too easy to become embroiled in our own misery and when the WAH is here, they get both barrels instead of seeing the opportunity - I missed the mark totally on Thursday but typing this now, I see what I should have done. Doh! Positive side of this is that I know there will be another opportunity - just don't know when it will be.

Yes Oz, trying not to dwell is the hardest part. I was only thinking yesterday that I wish I had a $ for every moment that I have spent thinking about him since the end of May. Literally, I don't think there's more than 5 minutes in a day where he is not constantly on my mind. I always knew that I loved him but this is so torturously painful, loving someone so damned much and your love being totally unrequited.

Today is library morning with J. We are then going for coffee on the beach front. It's a bit 'samey' but at least we are out and getting some fresh air. Another wet spring day here and I just think what a waste it is that H is rattling around on his own, lonely as I know that he will be, and me here this afternon, rattling around in our big home, lonely too. What's wrong with this picture????!


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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That's right Nell all they care about at the present is themselves, what they want, it is all me me me me, no one else matters they are in a little world all their own.

At the very least you have worked out what went wrong and how you should have handled it.

Hope you have a great day, coffee on the beach front sounds nice, enjoy.



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Thanks Oz - we didn't go for coffee after as it was persisting down with rain! Went back to J's instead and had a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Then went to do some shopping alone as J said that she may come for lunch tomorrow - and I haven't a thing in the house (fresh stuff). I needed to shop so it pushed me to do so.

You know the me, me, me thing even extends past what they want and they then start to get in to blame, blame blame mode. H went in to the garage on Thursday night and, seeing that I had spilled the tiniest drop of garden fluids on the floor he came back in and said "oh, and you have stained the garage floor really badly, too" ... for all he knows, it may well wash off! He hadn't even considered that it may not have been me who had done that (although it was!) but let's not worry about the oil that he tipped a while back and cause a patch twice the size.

Reading other people's threads help to work out what I did wrong and constantly reminding myself of what I should be doing, helped too.

Embarrassing situation at the library this morning when I checked out some new books. The woman shouted out across the desk "you have an overdue book - it's called DB" .... I explained that it was to be rechecked out and that I had it there for her to scan. It was like she was getting some intense pleasure from saying the DB words over and over, loud enough for people in the next state to hear. I wanted to smash her with the book and say, "yeah, and you never know when it will come visiting you so I would shut up right now if you know what's good for you". I guess that's just how touchy I am about the whole subject.

Ah well. That's another day almost over, though I hate seeing my life passing before me in this perspective. I should be enjoying myself but it's too difficult living here in this isolation. What's to become of me, I just don't know.

Hope that the rest of you are all doing OK today.


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

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Hi Nell

Sorry you didn't get to have coffee by the beach, but coffee anywhere is better than at home by yourself.

Never mind about the library incident, no one knows you, but I know it is embarrassing at the time, people really don't think at all do they.

Hugs Nell it would be easier if you weren't in such an isolated spot I know. We are here but I know it isn't the same.



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Oh man - that library lady was EVIL! Seriously that is one of my fears about checking out or buying relationship/divorce books from the store and library.

Sounds like you are getting yourself on track. It's so hard to remember to react differently - came close to a slip-up myself last night but think I recovered quickly. Remember that you are making these changes to how you treat him for yourself! Hopefully it will save the marriage...but worse, worse case you will have the tools to have a great next relationship.(Although not something you're likely ready to consider right now.)

Hang in there - change takes time...but this is for YOU so you have forever!

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Oh Nell I so would have said what you thought to that library lady, or at least but there by the grace of god go you and hopefully others will be on your side and not make an announcement of it!

Keep at it take stock of what is good and what is bad! Im not so sure that I should have let things go as far, but it felt right in the moment and when I wibble I remember Dia's thread where the DB coach said she just loved it when H's started having an affair with their W.


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Thanks Oz, Buttercup and Rabbit for the support.

I'm feeling pretty grotty today. I don't sleep much past 5am and the waking thoughts are always the same.

Stripped the bed as soon as I got out of it this morning (which really hurts my fingers at the moment) and whilst disrobing H's pillow, I thought what a waste it was of even putting a pillow case on it in the first place. That's not the only thing not getting any action these days!

It's another dark and miserable day here - I guess it will brighten later but it doesn't help your mood when all is feeling glum.

I just read Cas's post and the comments from Sanderika REALLY got me to thinking about whether I want to hang on and 'wait and see' or do I take the control back from H and force the situation by telling him that I intend to go back home and file? I think that he would be upset about that as he has already commented on how disadvantaged it would make him.

Next thought is, do I ask to see him so that we can finalise these arrangements on our finances and then drop my own bomb on him? Maybe it would give him something to think about rather than me having to feel so powerless all the time.

I still love my husband but I am so sick of living this way.

Thoughts please??


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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I haven't read all your story so I don't know what you have done in terms of getting legal advice. Are you sure that you could go back to the UK & file for divorce there?

I would say protect yourself legally and financially first and foremost. Do not use legal action or the threat thereof as an emotional bargaining chip. Telling the other person what legal action you intend to take is often a grave mistake. Take the action, first.

I am reading a good book now called "The Powerful Self" by Steven Stosny,, the same guy who does the abusive relationship work. It has a lot of exercises and it is really helping me move out of those feelings of powerlessness. You might want to check it out.

Hang in there Nell. ((hugs))


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Dudess, I appreciate you dropping by and the suggestion of the book. I shall check it out when I go to the library next. (Will ring them and ask them to get it for me, if it's not already in stock).

I have checked my legal position both in the UK and here in Aus. If I file in the UK, it means that it would over-ride if H were to file here in Aus. He hasn't mentioned the D word since June. He's not sure where his life is taking him and I don't think that D is a priority in any case. He says that he would never M again.

H is living his bachelor life-style and that's all that he's concerned about. He's not 100% happy with ow - there's a problem but I can't get to the root of it. I think that it may purely be because the tramp lives interstate and that makes life not quite so easy (and expensive, hence he pushes me on the financial aspect from time to time).

I don't want to take this action at all because I would just love for him to come home. I feel confident that we could work it out but H is adamant that he is done - or is that the aliens just telling him so? I don't know what to do hence I sit here and continue to DB, try to GAL and work through my pain.

Meanwhile, life is ticking by and that's another month gone before I turn around. My DB efforts fall on stony ground all the time - H just does not respond to whatever I try. I see other DB'ers making great progress (even if slow) but I never have anything good to report and I am really starting to feel sorry for myself all over again.

I just don't know what to do next. There was a slight improvement in H's mood when I did the nc thing for 3 weeks and he did speak more freely about our R when he came to see me. Trouble is, it was all said nicely but the message remained negative. I have to start believing that he is done.

Today I was all for emailing and requesting a meeting to tell him that I am done too (I'm so not!) but I have changed my mind and think that nc again is just the way to go. Detaching and hoping that it will do something ... even though I am pretty confident that it will not.

Woe is me :o(


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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This has led me to more thoughts.

H told me that he has been struggling for years and has been slowly dying in our M. He believes that we have grown apart and I have never heard his cries for us to get help. In my naivety, I never believed that he felt as he evidently did and I never, ever believed that he would leave me.

H never protested very loudly - he just kept his distance as he always did. He loved me at arms length and was never unkind, unreasonable or showed anything that would let anyone (least of all me) know that anything was wrong.

H stated that he was confused as to how come I was so blindsided when he dropped the bomb.

Now I feel that I have woken up to his misery and I hear what he is telling me. I feel cheated as he has not allowed us to work on our M and he has made the choice to walk away with no looking back, no consideration for how I feel and having drawn a line well and truly in the sand. I feel that ow is a symptom of his mlc and purely validation of what he felt he was lacking from me. However, I am getting more worried the longer that it goes on.

How do I go forward with someone who believes that they are done?


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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