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#1829568 - 08/31/09 07:10 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: dolphin_05]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Hi Cas
Counsellor didn't say too much about me being dark. I guess that yesterday's session was supposed to be about my self-esteem and why it is that I always put people first (typical of a nurse, eh?). She was interested in why I had taken that option and that I responded that, for the time being, this month is about ME and not H. That seemed to satisfy her as she smiled!

I commented that our one hour session goes so fast and she is looking to do a two hour session with me in a few weeks. I find it so liberating to be self-centred for the time that I am there and I like that she challenges me on things that I normally like to push under the rug! I have also started to ask questions of myself and she finds my insight refreshing, I guess. I 'brainstorm' and I take things along to her that I have written - mainly lists.

I don't feel that I am moving very fast with her but I do feel that I am slowly starting to weed my 'own' garden, if that makes sense! I would recommend a good counsellor to anyone right now, however unsure of it one may feel. It's really helping.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1829575 - 08/31/09 07:30 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: MrBond]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
It's so tough when your back is agains the wall. Stuck, your comments are spot on but thinking of how to respond is really challenging.

Honestly, I've had enough already. I just want to call him and say "It's total madness that we are both living like this. Come home. I hear so well that you have been unhappy but I know that we can turn this around for both of us. We can sort this out. I just need to be able to tell you my thoughts, what I have learned how we can deal with this, I have learned how to save our M, I have learned that we CAN love one another properly - and start all over again" but of course, I know that it is totally wrong and he would not respond positively at all to that approach.

I have no idea as to what I am going to do in the month of darkness. Just keep on trying to get a job and GAL of some sort, I guess. I'm a week in almost and I feel no differently other than to keep wondering if I am having any impact, which of course is not the right idea behind detaching. In honesty, I feel that I am using it as a strategy and not to 'let go' as I still do not want to. I'm like a kid giving up her doll because I know that it's good to let someone else play with your toys and I will get a reward for it later. Have we all been there?? I know that I have.

Knowing that I want some control over H's actions is all well and good but no, you are right, I don't have any right now. It's not that I want to control him long term, its just that I am scared of what's happening and especially whilst I am dark. I can't bear that he may never come back, although I am feeling thoughts more each day of whether or not I could forgive him for all this hurt that he is putting me through. I can not believe that anyone who has loved me as he has in the past, could TOTALLY abandon me - he knows my inner most strengths and weaknesses, fears and threats and he has flown in the face of all that I have ever confided in him. That's a tough pill to swallow, even when you love someone as much as I do him.

I am familiar with your saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back it was meant to be." and I do feel that I have let him go ... he's certainly not 'here' is he? I just feel that he is so lost at the moment and reading over some of his emails recently, I get a sense that he is no better off as he is living with so many unknowns right now. This is not the cut and dried situation that he thought that it would be and I know that, even if he takes no action, there will not be a day that goes by when he does not think of me and the home that he has left behind. That's the kind of man he is.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1829579 - 08/31/09 07:33 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: girlfromoz]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Hey Oz,
Oh my friend - if you read my response to Stuck, you will realise that my steam is very sporadic at the moment. I have been riding the crest of the wave but I am wondering if I am on the downward slope now. I have woken this morning with doubts of what I am doing and lots of fears for the future.

No luck with jobs - the one that I was to interview for today was a non-starter and I didn't even go for the interview in the end - they were jerking me around and I knew it. I have worked with them before. I am so done with people playing games - I haven't the energy for it.


I shall jump across to your post and see what's the latest with you ...
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1829607 - 08/31/09 08:28 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Hi Nell

Don't give up on the job front, when the right job is there for you it will all work out. It is hard though when you are specially skilled.

We all go down the downward slope, I am at the bottom at the moment, feel like I am drowning, so have to keep swimming so I can get back on the top of the wave.

As you said in an earlier post we are all here for each other even though we are all at varying stages of our R.

Oh well, back to the sorting out, unpacking and cleaning. Will pop back again later.

(((Nell)))
Oz
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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#1829674 - 08/31/09 10:17 PM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: girlfromoz]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Good luck with unpacking and cleaning - it seems never ending, doesn't it when you are moving home?

I can feel myself sinking today and there's nothing that I can do to get a grip. I've done all my tasks for the day and it's still only twenty past ten in the morning!

Work has to come soon .. I am giving up the will to live.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1829724 - 09/01/09 12:02 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Is anyone out there playing the Dream Interpretation game in regard to their current situation?

Just interested as the other night I dreamed that I was cycling with a group of people, came to a bridge crossing a gorge, started to cross it and then froze - even though I wanted to get to the winding tracks that lay ahead - they looked like so much fun and very challenging! Got off the bike (clever old me, that high up and on a knife edge - even though I was afraid of falling over and crashing in the bottom of the gorge!) and then I lay down, clinging tightly to the bridge, petrified to let go, not able to move forward or back. No amount of coaxing could move me.

Interpretations:
Bridges in dreams are symbols of transition, because when we cross them, they lead us to a new location.

1. Transition; crossing from one way of life to another.

2. A rise in the level of consciousness on the part of the dreamer; heightened awareness.

3. To see a long bridge dilapidated, and mysteriously winding into darkness, profound melancholy over the loss of dearest possessions and dismal situations will fall upon you. To the young and those in love, disappointment in the heart's fondest hopes, as the loved one will fall below your ideal.


Last night, I dreamed that I found a dead body dumped in a garbage bin. Can only find something about 'rubbish' on internet:

RUBBISH : Rubbish in dreams links to the word unwanted. It maybe is unwanted emotional problems, unwanted health problems, unwanted people who annoy you or simply the feeling that you are unwanted.

For those following my posts, I am sure that you will see there is meaning for me in these interpretations ... I shall be watching out for this in the near future. I wonder what I shall dream tonight ... ?

Our brains are curious places.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1829733 - 09/01/09 12:09 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Originally Posted By: Irish542
Detaching is sad and scary to me, but better than staying on the roller coaster. You can only take that for so long when you have no control over the choices. You can be sure that he is appreciating the space you are giving him, if nothing else.


I think that these are wise words from Irish - I must keep revisiting them in my bid to be dark.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1829742 - 09/01/09 12:25 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Hi Nell

I also believe that a dead body in dreams is a sign of new beginnings.

I don't appear to remember any of my dreams of late, I know we do dream each night, but for the past month I cannot remember or recall having any dreams.

Obviously your sub conscious mind is working very hard at night time my friend. If you are really interested in dream interpretation there are a lot of books about it that you would find in the library.
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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#1829749 - 09/01/09 12:36 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: girlfromoz]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Thanks Oz - I am a firm subscriber in listening to what your body is telling you and whilst I find the subject interesting, I'm not all out for it but I appreciate your kind thought!!

These two dreams are the only ones that I can remember in the past 3 months, since the bomb, and so that may be why they are so interesting to me now.

Just thinking this morning that I should perhaps give up and listen to what H is telling me. He's not interested. There's been nothing from him and I keep thinking of all the warning signs over the years that neither of us paid any heed to.

I can see why he has gone (50-50 blame however - his 50% being the catalyst to my reactivity) and although I have been accusing him of PA, I know that he did nothing about that prior to dropping the bomb. Maybe I should just listen to a man who is desperate and not at all in MLC (??) - maybe I should be just gathering up, moving out (when I have work) and becoming self-sufficient - letting go and let him have the life that he so obviously yearns for.

Maybe he really does not love me any more and I just need to accept that. He's a genuine and honest man - why am I doubting him, his words or his actions???
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
#1829752 - 09/01/09 12:38 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
oh ... and he keeps telling me how lucky we are to have had a successful marriage make it last that long, with statistics being the way that they stand. Who cares?? It's not a successful M in my book when all I am left with is a WAH.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

Top
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