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So, to answer your question, you detach TO WORK ON the M. Detachment and working on the M are not opposing forces. You can detach (which is really about getting your mind right) and work on your M at the same time.
Hopefully I can articulate this well - but I'm developing the view that what I need to do is provide for my own emotional needs, instead of my marriage or my wife doing that. It's my goal to be OK, regardless, and if my M survives, I can bring that energy to it, instead of taking it from it. Seems that detachment is a response to building your own strength, vs. withdrawing.
Bill, That's terrific advice. EB and GIMA too. I'm starting to get the idea. It's living it that will take more time. Thank you so much all of you.
I think I did well with detachment today. I worked in the garden which is incredibly nourishing for me. I went to the library tonight and did my work, and took an evening stroll.
H and I hung out tonight, and he was joking around a lot. He did not yell at me or criticize me about anything> I think a lot had to do with the fact that I had taken care of myself and detached. I just wasn't shaking in my boots and aiming to please tonight. I was prepared to stick to my bottom lines - that I don't want to pursue someone who isn't sure if they want to be with me right now. It feels good.
Thank you all so much. I couldn't do this without you.
Hey guys - DB term question what is "script"? and guys, I see a lot of advice about how men should act toward WAW - be decisive, strong, etc.
But from a guys' perspective - how to lure back the man? I know what a woman likes from a man, but I have no idea what a man likes. If he wants space - if he is unsure anything will change, if he is hurt from a lot of years past - how to get a guy opening up and trusting and wanting to try again?
Big question, I know -and I know you guys are the LBS like me so maybe you can't answer - but any male perspective is welcome.
I think you are very clear in what you are doing and what you want. You are in a different boat than many here in that your children are adults. I think it was a call for you to make to tell your son or not depending on the relationship you have with him. It sounds as if you are close to each other. Do get a lawyer. Oh, and her telling you she’d take you to the cleaners…..that’s a common misconception women have. I have a male co-worker. His wife cheated on him, walk into their divorce with that attitude and walk away with nada after he had very little problem proving he wanted to reconcile AND she cheated him. Courts are also more prone toward equal time between parents, no matter what the parents want. It’s come to light, that is better for the kids. A lot has changed in terms of divorce and the once upon a time assumed outcome. I can’t believe the gaul…..she cheats on you and wants to threaten you about telling the truth about her cheating ways?