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#1839819 - 09/18/09 02:26 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: shellshockedga]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Thanks everyone - this is fantastic advice and a lot to digest.

Now I'm off to the library like I said.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1839899 - 09/18/09 04:22 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: givingitmyall]
NoLongerHere Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 1485
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
So, to answer your question, you detach TO WORK ON the M. Detachment and working on the M are not opposing forces. You can detach (which is really about getting your mind right) and work on your M at the same time.


Hopefully I can articulate this well - but I'm developing the view that what I need to do is provide for my own emotional needs, instead of my marriage or my wife doing that. It's my goal to be OK, regardless, and if my M survives, I can bring that energy to it, instead of taking it from it. Seems that detachment is a response to building your own strength, vs. withdrawing.

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#1839919 - 09/18/09 06:38 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: NoLongerHere]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Bill, That's terrific advice. EB and GIMA too. I'm starting to get the idea. It's living it that will take more time. Thank you so much all of you.

I think I did well with detachment today. I worked in the garden which is incredibly nourishing for me. I went to the library tonight and did my work, and took an evening stroll.

H and I hung out tonight, and he was joking around a lot. He did not yell at me or criticize me about anything> I think a lot had to do with the fact that I had taken care of myself and detached. I just wasn't shaking in my boots and aiming to please tonight. I was prepared to stick to my bottom lines - that I don't want to pursue someone who isn't sure if they want to be with me right now. It feels good.

Thank you all so much. I couldn't do this without you.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1839922 - 09/18/09 06:47 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Hey guys -
DB term question what is "script"?
and guys, I see a lot of advice about how men should act toward WAW - be decisive, strong, etc.

But from a guys' perspective - how to lure back the man? I know what a woman likes from a man, but I have no idea what a man likes. If he wants space - if he is unsure anything will change, if he is hurt from a lot of years past - how to get a guy opening up and trusting and wanting to try again?

Big question, I know -and I know you guys are the LBS like me so maybe you can't answer - but any male perspective is welcome.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840145 - 09/18/09 05:36 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
bump
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840175 - 09/18/09 06:12 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
"Script" usually refers to the long list of things said (or done) by the typical WAS. They call it that because it seems like the WASes are all 'reading from the same script.'

Re: getting your man back vs. getting your wife back. I've struggled with the gender thing, too. Is any of this different when the LBS is female vs. male? I never got any answers!

I haven't ready your whole sitch, but the detaching and doing stuff for you, fulfilling your own emotional needs and not relying on your H or marriage to do so - that's huge. Keep it up.

In my sitch, what worked was to be light, upbeat and casual absolutely as much as possible. And also to make sure I was looking and smelling my best all the time. Act happy even if you're not.

I'll see if I can catch up on your sitch and give more details later!


Edited by Dia (09/18/09 06:13 PM)
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1840187 - 09/18/09 06:30 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Dia]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
I think you are very clear in what you are doing and what you want.
You are in a different boat than many here in that your children are adults. I think it was a call for you to make to tell your son or not depending on the relationship you have with him. It sounds as if you are close to each other.
Do get a lawyer.
Oh, and her telling you she’d take you to the cleaners…..that’s a common misconception women have. I have a male co-worker. His wife cheated on him, walk into their divorce with that attitude and walk away with nada after he had very little problem proving he wanted to reconcile AND she cheated him.
Courts are also more prone toward equal time between parents, no matter what the parents want. It’s come to light, that is better for the kids. A lot has changed in terms of divorce and the once upon a time assumed outcome.
I can’t believe the gaul…..she cheats on you and wants to threaten you about telling the truth about her cheating ways?
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1840195 - 09/18/09 06:39 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
Uh oh... I think I just goofed on whether Hope is the H or the W.

Apologies for the gender bending!
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1840214 - 09/18/09 07:01 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Dia]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Dia = thanks! So script might go something like this?...
"I've been hurt for so many years, I don't think anything will change, I can't trust you anymore"

I like your advice on staying light, upbeat, and casual - keeps the pressure off.

For H, also having the house clean, organized, etc is huge. It demonstrates that I have honored his feelings
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1840215 - 09/18/09 07:04 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Dia]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Dia
Uh oh... I think I just goofed on whether Hope is the H or the W.

Apologies for the gender bending!


I am the W - my H is the WAS...that's why I wanted your input Dia - from a woman's perspective. I have a lot of great male friends on here but Stronger is the only woman who posts regularly.

But I love all my friends on here! laugh

I think STronger meant that reply to another thread as she is writing to a male.


Edited by Hope4Luv (09/18/09 07:14 PM)
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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