My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Ah, I see! then I'm chuffed about hearing back from you!

Hey, I don't know where that belief came from about the first relationship necessarily being a rebound and therefore doomed. It was he who came up with it! There's a corollary, too--for every 5 years you were married, you need to add a year before being in a committed relationship (e.g. 20 year marriage = 4 years of solitude). He's rather left-brained, being a behavioral scientist and all...I think the numbers give him something concrete to hold onto! But I think it's rather arbitrary, myself. Not quite at the point of that Celine Dion song--"Taking Chances." Not completely trusting myself yet. Actually, my marriage was also the first relationship after my first marriage of 3 years...and in retrospect, it was a bit of a rebound, I suppose. But then, hindsight being 20/20....Anyway, to the extent that I can trust myself, this does feel right, it makes sense logically (very much in common, especially the things that most matter). After the abandonment I experienced throughout much of my marriage, the push-pull of this relationship (normal, healthy) is excruciating, so it's a bit of a learning experience. And that's not a bad thing.

Yes, I do need to let the bad stuff go. And some days I'm better at that than other days.

Thanks for your encouragement!

[BeingMe]

Thanks for your encouragement!

Well, this is my 'new attitude' since being diagnosed with a brain tumour. So! Ask yourself, "what would I do if there was a possibility that I could die from some serious disease?" And, even if not, time is ticking, and you and I are about the same age, so I feel that part of it too. There's little time to muck about with 'family' who clearly couldn't care less how you are doing (I have some of this issue too and I have decided to let it go and they are blood family). There is hardly any time worrying about OW and your XH (as long as they treat your D well, they shouldn't even be on your radar screen).

Not completely trusting myself yet.

It doesn't matter if you trust yourself or not ---- experiencing things will teach you to do that, not sitting at home.

He's rather left-brained, being a behavioral scientist and all...I think the numbers give him something concrete to hold onto!

Ah, scientists! Have you read "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch, a Professor (another scientist). It was very inspiring for me. And, it should be to everyone, whether they are terminally ill or not.

Find some passion in your life. Whether it be another romance or a new skill or even just new friends. Just go find some excitement in your life (of course, within your own personality and idea of what all that means). 'Cause it's just too short to linger, and fuss, and worry about things you have no control over. I know it will take a little time, but I hope the days that you let go of the bad stuff start increasing and the days when you worry about them dwindles into the horizon.

Okay, so that's muh message for the day.

[hoosiermama]

You know, you're so right! It's been seeping into my consciousness the past few days that I'm living in the past. And that's how I usually know I'm moving into whatever is the next phase of grief--I get bored and frustrated with being wounded. Or perhaps being about the wounds instead of being about the possibilities of life.

I believe I have read The Last Lecture, but found it very painful. Maybe it's time to read it again. It came out just after the bomb.

And you're right about the passion, too. I am a passionate person. But I've stuffed it for so long I had fogotten that. Too many years of trying to earn xH's love--and then just trying to earn his approval, and I forgot who I was. It's time to reinvent Hoosiermama.

[BeingMe]

It's time to reinvent Hoosiermama.

No, find her. You have so much to give without changing who you are. It seems to me that you had reinvented yourself trying to be the perfect W for your XH. He wasn't worth it because all he seemed to care about is himself. Wait until his true self emerges and what poor OW has to deal with. He's happy now while things are going his way. I wonder how she will react when he wants what she doesn't? Oh well! Her problem now.

You are entitled to keen over your wounds, but don't let it go on too long. There be exciting life out there. And so much to discover that you were unable to do because you were tied down.

Take care.

[dday101798]

Agreed, "re-inventing", not the way to go, learned that one first hand. Rather, finding yourself, who you were and incorporating what you've learned on this adventure and make your old self a better and improved version, the way to go.

Let's face it, M or a long term R for that matter, changes you, you mold yourself into a pattern that worked the other person involved, and now through the unfortunate circumstance, you find youself sitting out there trying to figure how to go on with life as this 'other' person you modified yourself into for a R that is no longer there.

[hoosiermama]

Sigh. I suppose you're right. she's in there somewhere. I wasn't so much thinking of "changing" as much as excavating the authentic hoosiermama. in many ways, I've never been "alone," altho I have spent a lot of time on my own. First marriage came after a long, bizarre relationship which began in college. Relationship/marriage #2 began not too long after Divorce #1, altho both of those stopped and started quite a bit before they settled into marriage. And I know I need to be alone for awhile, and that's okay. It's a little bit complicated for me tho, I think, because I am ALONE--no family at all (and I've been all over the friend thing). Most mistakes I've made in my life (especially Marriage #1, and possibly Marriage #2) have been because of that discomfort--or panic?--about being isolated, having no connections. And I need to get past that and be comfortable with myself, find out who I am before I even consider being in a serious relationship again. It is indeed a blessing that the good professor is several states away and himself committed to non-commitment; it would be too easy for each of us to avoid doing the necessary grief-work by clinging too closely to each other. Add to that that we're both from alcoholic families-of-origin, and even more reason to maintain some distance. The support is wonderful, the synchronicity, the knowledge that someone out there cares a lot about me. Takes the edge off the isolation.

There are moments, tho... I woke up this morning wanting SO much to be wrapped around someone (well, not just anyone), to hold and be held. I mean, it's not like I miss it so much--it's been years and years, and even then it was a transient experience. I wasn't so much sad or lonely or hurting. Just wanted some skin-to-skin contact, some snuggling, to feel someone's warmth, breathe with their breathing, have the comfort of their scent. But honestly, until I figure out who I am when I'm not part of hoosiermama-and-beloved-but-unnamed-guy, I will disappear into a relationship as I have done before, and poison it with my resentment. Not to mention I need to make better choices in men, rather than seeking out someone who is only good at abandonment! Seems to be a pattern for me. The professor? Kind, devoted, considerate, unselfish, stuck it out in a not-so-great 24-year marriage (doesn't seem to be the abandonment type); and I've known him for almost 30 years (admittedly with a long break in the middle) and he's ALWAYS been kind. BUT--as much as I long for companionship, I have a lot to work out before I commit to ANYTHING.

Being somewhat stuck in not exactly knowing where it all began to deteriorate--so that I can learn how not to do it again--I think I'll pick up a copy of Passionate Marriage. It talks a lot about differentiation in intimacy--and that seems to be something I have problems with. I'm too willing to dissolve into a relationship, to disappear in order to make it work. Can anyone relate?!

[hoosiermama]

Agreed, "re-inventing", not the way to go, learned that one first hand. Rather, finding yourself, who you were and incorporating what you've learned on this adventure and make your old self a better and improved version, the way to go.

Let's face it, M or a long term R for that matter, changes you, you mold yourself into a pattern that worked the other person involved, and now through the unfortunate circumstance, you find youself sitting out there trying to figure how to go on with life as this 'other' person you modified yourself into for a R that is no longer there.

Yes, that's a good insight. And it can be rather confusing when you also became a parent during that relationship--so much changes when one becomes a parent. The really ironic thing is that I was pretty sure--a few years before the bomb--that I had finally found myself, found my niche and what I was good at. That being a wife, mother, pastoral minister. I kinda thought I was doing rather well at all of those, and they were all very fulfilling. So it's difficult to figure out what was dysfunctional in me vs. what was dysfunctional in my marriage and my church/work environment--and how I fit into that dysfunction and contributed to it. I suspect I may need a little bit more time to get some perspective on that.

[hoosiermama]

Rainy Sunday here in the heartland. xH is too busy this weekend to see D13, altho he "might" have her Monday night but will be going out of town Wednesday thru the weekend. When she found out she just looked so sad. We're going to an Egyptology exhibit at a local museum tomorrow (that's my big splurge--it was quite expensive) because D is an aspiring Egyptologist. Big shopping day yesterday--she is "filling out" and doesn't fit into most of her clothes now. Also a big sale at Half-Price Books--gotta love that place.

Haven't heard from the professor for several days now. As always, lots going on in his life. Caught him on FB and invited a chat, but he signed off; replied to a football post there and shut that discussion down. Or maybe he was already signed off, maybe he was just busy. So I'm worried...this is most likely just normal push-pull, pursuit-distancing dance but for someone like me with major abandonment issues, it's somewhat excruciating. Trying hard to focus on other things and "go dark."

But since I can't mow today, it's a good day to do some other organizing things I've been putting off. Also have some reading to do, thanks to the aforementioned book sale. My life is so exciting! I'd love to call up a friend and go have coffee or something. Sigh. No one to call. I've tried that so often lately and not had any responses; it's kinda difficult to keep putting myself out there. And no, I don't talk about all the "issues" in my life--I keep it light, talk about them. It's just that everyone else has a life! I'm trying really hard to GAL!

[NNP1965]

Hi hm, have you been able to see if there is a Divorce Care group in your area yet?

[hoosiermama]

the only one nearby is on Tuesday evenings, the evening I work at the clinic (my "second job"). I will continue to search, as there are some listed as "pending" but without details re: dates/times.