My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[theoden]

Hoosier,

Figuring why our relationships tend to fail, or why a pattern seems to recur is very helpful.

In other words, "What's wrong with me? How do I fix it? How do I become whole again?"

For me, finding a good cognitive behavioral therapist was a big help in showing me my pathologies. I also took an MMPI (abnormal psych test) which brought some interesting things to light.

In addition, I found a book called No More Mr Nice Guy, which is aimed at men, but nailed about 75% of my issues with some helpful exercizes.

There's really no point obsessing over the relationship, Hoosier -- it's over. There are the anger and abandonment issues, and, perhaps, making sure you set a fair schedule for your daughter seeing your ex. That's about it.

The injustice of it all you can only deal with by working that though with God. In the end, he is your ex's judge. Nothing escapes his gaze.

--Theoden

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, Theo. But the focus in all of this is on ME. Not on the relationship, but of ME in any relationship. As in Why do I keep finding relationships in which I can be devastated and abandoned in creative new ways? Why do I continue to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people? What about my response to people over the years has led me to be so completely and utterly isolated at the age of 53? Finding my issues and how to deal with them, not the dynamics of the relationship--because I'm really tired of thinking about that.

Done the MMPI, Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, and probably a few other exercises to gain insight into myself. I think we're essentially doing the same things here.

Injustice--yeah, still have an issue with that, and I consider it rather juvenile and an ineffective response on my part. But there it is. I think it's ultimately because I tend to see myself as a victim--which I'm trying to work my way out of--I wasn't the one who destroyed our family and sinned grievously, but he continues to thrive while I struggle; he is still perceived as wonderful while I seem to be perceived as broken and deservedly so. And I don't think I'll get much further in healing as long as I persist with that cheeseless tunnel.

Re: No More Mr. Nice Guy--yeah, written for men, but (to quote an old Irish Spring commercial) I like it too. I am, in large part, Ms. Nice Girl. And it hasn't served me well.

Yep, looking for my pathologies so that I can hopefully work through them. Tired of hurting.

[hoosiermama]

Exploring abandonment issues; specifically, do I unconsciously seek out and pursue unavailable people, those who will abandon me? Interesting stuff in googling "abandaholics."

This was also helpful, just in terms of getting "unstuck":
http://www.thirdage.com/today/dating/part-ii-trying-to-get-over-someone

[hoosiermama]

Ah, just ended another relationship. Again. I got a lot of insight into myself in reading about abandonment--and why I keep finding myself in such pain. I keep getting invited into relationships, resisting, then once I am blissfully connected--boom! it isn't real, it isn't what I thought I was being invited into, and I have to adjust and try to be something I'm not, try not to feel what I feel. And then I feel foolish, naked, and--until now--defective. No longer feel defective, just foolish and naked. And so hurt. No, I wasn't misreading cues; going back thru old emails and messages, I was clearly invited in. And I should have known better--but I was so wounded and isolated, and he felt so much like "home," that I was sucked right in. And then--I was alone in it. And I just can't do that to myself any more. For months I have tried to adjust, tried not to feel, tried to be "healthy" but I just can't stuff that genie back into the bottle. So tired of hurting on top of being wounded.

Yes, this hurts, it's scary; I probably just broke the only connection I have. But I can't make myself fit into it, and I can't change it. So yeah, there will be a lot of grief, and I feel lost. But ultimately I won't feel as abandoned--again--as I have.

[BeingMe]

That was a brave thing to do, H'mama! I just keep feeling that you need a fresh start ---- with yourself, and people you surround yourself with. I can tell that you can be so engaging, having so much to talk about, interesting and intelligent (sometimes, you would mention something --- religion, spiritual, social awareness or whatever --- and I would think later, that I wish I could chat to you about it more, but this is a relationship bb and you're a long way away from where I live).

This abandonment issue will not kick you in the buttinsky. You will not let it define who you are because it is only a teeny tiny part of your psyche, but you are letting it become this giant ogre sitting in your closet. Just let it go and not worry about R's ---- just have fun!

Well, that's my opinion. Hope it helps some.

[hoosiermama]

Hi, BeingMe. You're right. I'm overly reflective, don't get out of my head enough to gain any perspective on anything. And I'm so hellbent on trying to learn what I'm supposed to learn, to work through this and get past the pain that I probably make mountains out of molehills.

Yeah, this is a relationship bb, but it's also the part called "surviving." I think we could talk about anything we want here. If not, you can always find me on fb.

And I'm getting a fresh start whether I want it or not! And maybe that's what it's all about anyway.

[BeingMe]

Difficult to get one on fb nowadays since they blocked private contact here. But if you would like to try, my hm acc is fitness_mood.

In the meantime, try not to reflect too much. Perhaps, take an hour of each day to work on your issues .... think about it, read books on it, talk about it. Then, spend the rest of your day finding uplifting things to do. Use your strengths to get through this, and you have so much.

Take care.

[hoosiermama]

thanks, BeingMe! Definitely, no one can accuse me of not "doing the work!" Probably a bit too much work.

Fortunately my friend recognized my temporary insanity (at a very bad interval in his weekend, btw) and was far more concerned about my stress level than about his own response to my over-reflection. He's a good egg, really.

And I will definitely look for you on fb.

[BeingMe]

Hi H'mama! My hm address is "fitness_mood" so just mail me and I can give you my fb. NNP is also on there, so we are looking forward to having you on ours.

Hope things are going better there. Take care.

[NNP1965]