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#1834491 - 09/09/09 02:06 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
xH arrived to pick up D13 about a half hour before she got home from choir. He was going to run to the drugstore, but we ended up standing and chatting (he didn't want to come into the house, and now I'm all itchy from being mosquito buffet). I don't think we've done that since he left, except right after mediation. Just talked about D13, his family, the recent trip to St. Louis. He thought I got new glasses--he hasn't looked at me since I got these, I guess, back in May. I don't feel all warm and fuzzy or anything, but it's kind of a relief to have had a normal conversation because I'm going to have to deal with him for the rest of D's life. And he's going to have to deal with me...and it's better that he talks to me like a human being rather than someone he has to avoid or ignore. Probably helped that it was dark outside!
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1834704 - 09/09/09 01:40 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Yeah, that's always nice to have a ease of tension. XW and I for a while would talk when I was picking up or dropping off the boys up until her last episode, but even after that, she did attempt to make some conversation after she settled down a bit.

_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1834738 - 09/09/09 02:03 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: dday101798]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
There generally isn't much tension. He basically just behaves as if I don't exist. Generally tries to set up visitation thru D, altho I stopped that because it puts too much pressure on her. Picks her up in the driveway, never leaves the car, or we meet at a central spot and don't leave the car. Going to her events he will walk by me and sit alone. Most communication is via email or text. I think it's either discomfort from unconscious guilt at what he's done, or just absolute indifference; perhaps both. Which beats hostility, I suppose, but further feeds into my discomfort about being generally invisible. Which is my problem, no one else's.

I managed to get some of his remaining clothes out to him, as well as a box of books that had been sitting in my family room for the past month. Still have a huge pile of drumset sitting in my craft room taking up space.

Lots of serious, tragic social issues here at my school; kids living in vans, parents picking up kids too drunk to be driving, etc. Puts my life in perspective to a certain degree.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1835032 - 09/09/09 06:45 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
theoden Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/07
Posts: 2090
Hoosier,

We haven't talked in a long time. I'm dropping in.

You are doing well under the circumstances, which is pretty crappy nevertheless.

There's the betrayal and abandonment.

There's losing your husband.

There's financial hardship.

There's losing your friends/family/spiritual community.

There's the implioit support of your husband's affair by his church and family.

There's watching your daughter be forced to cozy up to the OW.

It would be enough to drive me crazy. Crazy, angry, exhausted, bitter and depressed.

Your WHOLE world turned upside down, gravity turned off, your life taken away from you. The absolute loss of control over your destiny.

Some thoughts....

1. Get some kind of schedule from your ex-husband for his visitation times. Get your lawyer in on this. You can't plan to have a social life with a floating schedule set according your ex-husband's convenince. If your ex agrees, it's better for you and your daughter. If he doesn't comply to the set times, he doesn't get to see his daughter. I don't think she needs be shielded from his selfish shennanigans. If she sees less of the OW, all the better. You are not called to continually be crucified for your ex-husband's sins. Let him take the heat for some of them. Playing along and killing yourself so that your daughter can have more time with your ex is not healthy. Excercize more control here. You can set a schedule. That way you can have a life.

2. You can control your breathing. Use your breath as a meditative device.

3. You can control your body. It's the most basic form of self-control and self-mastery. Begin to take care of it more. Eat healthier. Excercize it. Walking, hiking and biking are all cheap or free. If you feel you can gain mastery over your body, you will begin to regain some form sense of control over your life. Start inward and work your way out. That's what I'm doing these days, and it's making a world of difference.

4. Community is not an option for you. Socially OR spiritually. In general very, very, very few of the saints were called to be ascetics or hermits. Even monks/nuns live in community. You CAN'T survive spiritually very well without a church family. Find a Catholic parish you feel comfortable in. Join some of the groups. Open youself to friendship. You have a lot to offer. Others have lots to offer you. Ask for help. There are people ready, willing and able to help you. I was never big on the "me and Jesus makes a majority" kind of faith. I know you are not either. But pragmatically speaking, the Christian faith is IMPOSSIBLE to live without community/church. It was not designed to be a solo experience of long, tired and dry obedience. It wasn't even designed to a solo experience of ecstatic mystical experiences -- a kind of auto spiritual eroticism. We experience Christ primarily through his body, the church, imperfect as it is. You will only find a church by visiting some. So whatcha doing next sunday? Go ahead, excercize control over that part of your life, too.

5. Friendship and fun are necessary too. You may find that your church is a way to connect with people. Look online. Meetup groups are often hobby or interest related. Many of the activities are cheap or free. Knitting, hiking, orienteering, dancing. I saw a meetup called Theology and Beer. It's basically sitting over a pint and talking about the "great" issues for hours. If you meet families at church, invite them over for lunch. Plan a picnic. You can take excercize control over that part of your life, too.

Is what I'm saying easy? No. But once you star taking even some small steps, it will get easier.

If many of us lived closer, we'd be there in a second. But since we aren't, you're gonna have to reach out a bit more.

Sermon over.

I'm a big fan of hoosiermama.

You are strong, sweet and sexy. Yeah, your beat up, but your an amazing woman.

Peace,

Theoden


Edited by theoden (09/09/09 06:53 PM)
_________________________




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#1835231 - 09/10/09 12:05 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: theoden]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
You can do it, H'mama! Theoden is right! And, it's true, if we were there, you'd be inundated with coffee dates. smile
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1835235 - 09/10/09 12:09 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: BeingMe]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
LOL! I wish we could all get together for coffee. regularly! it could be great!
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1835242 - 09/10/09 12:24 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: theoden]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Hi, Theo! Thanks for dropping in.

Wow--I don't know whether to thank you profusely or go stick my head in the oven...but then, as someone pointed out today, it would probably be an electric oven and then I'd just look silly.

You pretty much nailed it--that's how my life has felt over the past year or so. And because I don't usually look at the whole dang thing in one snapshot, it's rather overwhelming when I read what you wrote. I guess I probably shouldn't be too discouraged that I'm not further along in healing.

But then, there are your observations and suggestions...how do you know me so well? 'Cuz you were spot on. Especially the part about community. And I will break this down and digest it piece by piece and begin to implement it. I think I've been trying to sort of coast and assumed that things would fall into place--but they're not because of the devastation at the foundation. So I need to go back to taking baby steps.

I'm not all that amazing, tho, I have to tell you. Because all I'm really doing is surviving, and there's no other option. But you're pretty amazing too--I know your life hasn't been a bowl of cherries, and I appreciate your support.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1836544 - 09/12/09 01:24 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Theo--we have something here called "Theology on Tap." Sounds similar to what you were describing. It's billed as being for "young adults" which, technically, I have not been for quite some time--so I always figured I'd feel out of place, if I thought about it at all. I only knew about it to begin with because my friend the Official Exorcist of the archdiocese was once a speaker...on Halloween. But--might be worth looking into, for sure.

Been reading about abandonment and "abandoholics" the past few days. I suppose at some level I still think that if I find some "diagnosis" for how I got here, I will be able to avoid being here again. It worked to a certain degree after the first divorce when I dove into codependency stuff; it was very helpful, but pretty much mined that diagnosis. But anyway, I digress...it's a recurring issue throughout my life, and I married 2 men who were excellent at nothing besides abandoning me in pretty significant ways. And here I am again, with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. With the good professor, it well may be a temporary situation, during the transition out of emotional abuse and divorce. And I'm not all that aware of feeling like I need to "rescue" him--which is a primary factor for women who get into these painful places. But if nothing else, I am learning about myself, my less-than-helpful patterns, and that's a good thing...if I can continue to focus on myself and not obsess about relationship.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1836658 - 09/12/09 12:49 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
NNP1965 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/04/05
Posts: 2013
Loc: Martinsburg, WV
Hi hm. I was reading everything I could get my hands on about WHY I may be the way I am and how/why things could not work with my h. It is good to understand, but at some point I just realized that no amount of reading and understanding was ging to make a difference.

One thing I have done (and you may already do this sort of thing, but I did not) was smile at strangers and strike up little convos whenever there was a chance. In line at the grocery store, or at the bank or where ever the opportunity presented itself.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that people actually smiled back at me... and in most cases talked to me when I made the effort.

Those small steps did wonders for my being able to feel connected.
_________________________
Me 54
DS19 and DS17
Married 06/1989
Divorced 01/2011

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#1836670 - 09/12/09 02:59 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: NNP1965]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Thanks, NNP. It really isn't a matter of making a difference in a relationship with xH--because I'm not interested in continuing to bash my head against that wall. It's more a matter of understanding my own patterns, how I end up in similar situations, how to not end up there again should I ever find a romantic relationship again.

I am actually a rather friendly person--I chat with folks wherever I am, I have many positive relationships at work. It is simply a lonely period of my life, the degree of catastrophe in my life is simply off-putting to old friends (been in this spot before, after losting my second son--no matter how engaging one tries to be, it's just too much for friends to be comfortable around). It's a matter of baby steps, of continuing to get through one day at a time.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
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