Went to a pumpkin carving party that the whole family goes to each year. H did not come. Was totally depressed watching all the families with small kids - all of them with two parents by their sides. I felt like a total failure.
Ack - where's the PMA?
YOU are not the failure. You were there for the kids and you are not walking out on your M. I don't say that to throw stones at your H, but to help underscore what you already know.
You have to make your own PMA. What's something fun you can do today with the kids? Do you cook? Bake cupcakes with them. Or, if it's warm where you are, go to a park and have a picnic lunch.
Resign yourself to have fun with or without H's participation.
First, I agree with the others, don't discuss any agreements with your H- let the two Ls talk that kind of stuff over. The only exception would be the counseling. This nonsense tying the MC in with the legal separation agreement is BS. Your H needs to stop with the games already. A few sessions with a good C would be a very good investment in time/money right now for you both. Just my 2 cents.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
I agree with Big John. Make a list of all the things you are expecting to be in the agreement. Tell him you were advised to NOT speak to him about the agreement and your LAWYER is trained in Legalese. So no worries.
If I were you, the alimony needs to start from the point you two get DIVORCED not from the point when he left.
I'm so confused right now. I'm going to put a lot of thought into what you all have said.
It's just that in California, H can file for D uncontested. If all he is asking for is separation and not D I have felt like this is good news. But your advice is leading me to reconsider.
You all know he put in the agreement five months of MC or the whole thing is null and void. You also know that if I don't agree to this, he will file for D.
But perhaps I should reconsider that D is a better option ... if I can get more alimony and the likelyhood of him returning is small anyhow. I will talk with my L this week and keep you posted.
I haven't been this depressed and confused in many many years.
Just so you understand, every state D is uncontested. All that means is that eventually H will get a divorce if he wants one. No state is going to FORCE two people to stay married. But you would still have to agree to the aspects of the D, just like you have to agree to the separation agreement.
Don't let the term uncontested scare you. For example, your H would have to file for D. You get the filing and see you don't like the alimony or child support or child care set up. You give it to your lawyer and tell him what you want. You'll have X amount of days to respond. Then your H has to answer you. He'll have X amount of days and so it goes, back and forth until it's agreed upon. If you can't agree, you go to court and the judge decides the parts you can't figure out.
The other option and this I would only recommend for two people who both want out, you sit down, figure it out, give it to a mediator who takes it to the judge, after it's signed by a notary (which most mediators are) and that's it.
Uncontested just means the state won't force you to stay married. He can NOT just walk into a courtroom before a judge and say I want a divorce and the judge says OK! The judge would want to hear from you to make sure all the loose ends are covered.
OK, well I"m kinda at square one. I will have to see what he wrote in the agreement and see how it matches what I would want. If it's too far off, I may prepare to fight it. If it's close to what I want I may sign it.
Either way, I'm going to try to get him into MC or IC before that. That will be tricky.
Wow. 180 city. I told him under no circumstances will he insult me (calls me a"nut job" frequently) if there are to be any legal negotiations or otherwise. I also said I would take the papers to my lawyer and I told him it was in my own best interest. When he started criticizing me for going off the rails, I said he has the same problem and has no place to criticize.
I really laid down the law with him. I feel scared, but proud of myself.
Wow. 180 city. I told him under no circumstances will he insult me (calls me a"nut job" frequently) if there are to be any legal negotiations or otherwise. I also said I would take the papers to my lawyer and I told him it was in my own best interest. When he started criticizing me for going off the rails, I said he has the same problem and has no place to criticize.
I really laid down the law with him. I feel scared, but proud of myself.
Good job! Now, be consistent with this. This is part of taking back (a) control and (b) your self esteem. He will test you, so be prepared.
