K4D Rising #4

[volleydog]

Kev,

First of all that's great news on the AA meetings, just remember the program works if you work it, and you can. The BIGGEST thing about AA and IC is to figure out why you started abusing in the first place. You have no idea how much I'm rooting for you on this...

It's great to hear you and your W had a good talk, just PLEASE don't get your hopes up. You must be doing something right, figure that out and do more of it. Just know that set backs will come, if you do the work on YOU, you have a chance but ONLY if you work on you...

I know you know this get your D's into C ASAP, you should be able to tell us on Monday they have an appt, this is more important than anything right now...soft 2x4...

[K4D]

You are a Cowboys fan ...are ya??

This sickens me. Come to your senses already dude? There still is hope for you yet. When I come down there I will be in EAGLES GREEN!!!!

please tell me it is not so!!

Kevin shruggs in disbelief. Kevin then speaks and says confidently... "It is so".

Kevin

[K4D]

The BIGGEST thing about AA and IC is to figure out why you started abusing in the first place.

Yes, that is something I am trying to figure out each time I go. All it did was make things bad, so why did I do it as opposed to an alternative? I think about that each time I am there and listening to someone talk or going through the book. I could have been so much further along in life if I had looked for an alternative healthy way of dealing with things and life would have been much better for all of us.

It's great to hear you and your W had a good talk, just PLEASE don't get your hopes up. You must be doing something right, figure that out and do more of it. Just know that set backs will come, if you do the work on YOU, you have a chance but ONLY if you work on you...

I find that if I respond positively around my W, things go well between us. But if I am negative or emotional in any way at all, things go very poorly very quickly and she wants nothing to do with me. She didn't file for D this week and everything this weekend looks good for a baby step. But do not worry. I am not getting my hopes up that there won't be setbacks. I'm just trying to take the positive track with her going forward. The more positive I am around her and in my life, the better chance I have of her wanting to be around me at all. I figured that out.

I'm also doing a lot of praying and repenting with it.

I know you know this get your D's into C ASAP, you should be able to tell us on Monday they have an appt, this is more important than anything right now...soft 2x4...

I should be able to do this especially now that I know W is not going to help me out with it at this time. Thanks for the soft 2x4 and the support.

Kevin

[K4D]

I may have been the poster child for what not to do. But from this point on I will be a poster child for what to do.

Kevin

[MrBond]

"this point on I will be a poster child for what to do."

Please do not label yourself the poster child. If you did you would have detached already. Just do what you want to do. I pray it works out for you.

good luck.

[K4D]

Stuck,

I said going forward I will be. I have my plans in motion.

Kevin

[K4D]

Thank you for the prayers stuck. I pray that your M is restored also.

Kevin

[K4D]

Today was a most wonderful day. I spent the whole day with W and kids after church. We went shopping for school clothes. We then went and got starbucks together. Then we did more shopping. Then W suggested we eat dinner together. Then we did more shopping. We got along so well. It was just like old times. We talked about all kinds of things. At one point D11 asks W if we can all go to Destin Florida together sometime. W said maybe. D11 looked at me and said she had to ask because she had already asked me.

W and I did not argue once. I zipped my lips the entire day on anything that could have been bad. We were so nice to each other and W took a genuine interest in wanting to help me out and look for things for me also. We worked together as a team and did well. I could not have asked for things to go better considering last weekend. I stuck to my positive outlook. Although she did talk from time to time about her male friends, I just took it in stride and was never negative. We talked about my friends and about what each of us do during our off weeks. She has quite the life. She goes shooting on Mondays, boating on Tuesdays, plays poker on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Goes to a movie once a week with her female friend and does belly dancing on Thursdays as well as eats dinner one night a week with her family. She has a lot going on. We talked about how we each save money and agreed on a lot of things with the kids. We joked together and had great conversations. It really was like it used to be. We activated our kids cell phones again by finding our old ones since they lost the current ones. We talked about getting a dog together and splitting time with it basically it going to whoevers house the kids are at each week. We talked about work together and my dad coming and adjusting the schedule for the kids while he is here and church and many things. At times I was a little sad because things were just like they used to be. But I would quickly put it out of my mind. At the end of the night, she thanked me.

It was really great. I had prayed and prayed for a good day today and it was. Not once did we argue or anything negative with each other. It left me feeling like maybe there is some hope in the future if I can keep on the right track with her. True she talked about trips with her and the kids without me. That is fine. The positive is we were able to spend the whole day together getting along again.

It was so nice. I did what worked 2 days in a row now. I will keep on doing it. I am seeing positive results all of a sudden by changing my approaches with W. I did mention my AA meetings and she knows I am taking things seriously. This was truly the best day we have had together in almost a year.

25, I am glad you and your H were able to go on a M retreat. I hope it really brought you 2 closer to each other.

BTW, I am still not fooling myself. One good weekend doesn't equal anywhere near a reconciliation. I expect setbacks. But this weekend was really a step in the right direction and I did not put my foot in my mouth and it really seemed like she felt like she could trust me and cared about me even if only in a coparent way. It was more than we have seen in a very very long time. I know my work is still cut out for me. Thank God last weekend didn't kill it for me.

I will post as I have updates.

Kevin

[K4D]

Love is compassionate. Love is wanting your S to return for their sake. Love is caring about them and their needs. Love is about being selfless.

Do we desire our S back? Yes. Does God want our family to be united and one under him? Yes.

But we have to ask ourselves. Do we want our S back for our own selfish reasons? Or do we want them back because we care about them and our family? Or is it a combination of both? If you care about your spouse, you will not pursue them. You will not tell them how wrong they are. You will pray for their salvation and not your own personal wants or desires. We should want them back because it is what is best for them. You want them to come back because they want to come back because they have realized through your own changes that they are better off with you and not without you.

How do you make it what is best for them? You have to change you. You cannot change them. Through your changes if they are sincere, your S will see that and then become interested in you again because they see that you truly care about them for them and not for yourself.

This is what it means to be unselfish. Many people want their S back for their own needs and wants and desires. I am guilty. But is that a real reason for them to come back? No. The real reason for them to come back would be because you care about them and what happens to them. When they see that you are no longer wanting them back for you but instead because you care about them, you have a much greater chance of success with your marriage. When they see that you can be happy without them, that is far more attractive than you only being able to be happy because they are with you and not somewhere else.

Now there is some bit of complication in this as you may have children that are involved and what is best for them is to have both of their loving parents together raising them together. So in essence, this means that you also want them to return for the betterment of the family. The family is better intact if it is a healthy environment.

For those of you that believe in the unity of God and marriage, this would also mean that you care about their salvation. When your S sees these changes within you, then, and only then will they see someone that truly loves them for them and cares about them and not yourself.

Bottom line, don't pray for your S to return because it is what you desire and want. Pray for your S to return because it is what is best for your S, your kids, and everyone's salvation.

Your job as a H is to lead and serve. This comes with true unconditional love. How do you lead? By example. By showing mercy, compassion, understanding, caring, sacrificing. When they are happy, you are happy because they are happy.

Not detaching is selfish. It means you are not letting go of the grip on them. It isn't your job to grip them or control them. It is your job to be a protector, not a gripper. It is your job to allow them to lead their own life why you love them unconditionally. Letting go does not mean you don't love them. It means that you are showing compassion for them and allowing them the freedom to be who they need to be. It means getting rid of strife. It means that it is ok to disagree and still be in unity.

Truly loving someone is the most selfless thing you can do. You must distinguish the difference between loving someone for them, and wanting someone for you. When you love someone, your wants, desires, needs and happiness come last. Don't confuse this with being codependent. Codependent means you cannot be happy without them. You can be happy without them. Being happy without them is what allows you to truly love them for them. When you love them for them, happiness is the compliment to that.

When the person you love does something that hurts you, it is because you love them. But when you hurt, it should also be because you don't want them to make a decision that is bad for them. There is a feeling of betrayal when someone hurts you. That is natural. But you should not be angry at them, but instead feel pity for them because in the long run, they are really harming themselves if you have truly loved them in the way that you are supposed to. If you have not truly loved them in the way that you are supposed to, sometimes it is better for them to remove themselves from a situation until a true change has taken place within you. After that true change has taken place in you, then it is better for them to return if that change takes place. If you truly love them, you will understand this and work on changing you so that they can return to the type of relationship they should have been able to expect from the beginning. If they still do not return, you pray for their salvation because you truly love and care about them and what happens to them.

I believe if you have this kind of true love, there is no reason for your S to walk away from you and if they do, you have a far better chance of them coming back then if you don't have true genuine love for them.

This is a daily task that everyone must learn to do better each day of their lives. It takes work to truly love someone as Christ loved us. Knowing you will be let down should never change your love for that person. We all make a choice to love and it should always be a lifetime choice once the "I DO" is said. Regardless of what is thrown your way, your love should never change, but only get better and stronger with time as you continue to strive and grow into who you should be as a person, H/W, F/M. Love your S as Christ loved the church. Your S will fall as will you. Pick yourself back up and work harder to not fall again.

To often the whole point of true love is missed in marriages. Often times people confuse love with lust and self gratification. Love is neither lust or self gratification. Love is anything but the 2.

I think I am getting into the area of what true love really is. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Kevin

Gosh I have been so wrong in my thinking.

[K4D]

Infact, when you truly love someone, you should already be happy with your life and that person be a compliment to it, not the foundation for it.

Kevin