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Journaling,

Not much change.
I have gotten H's mom into the Hospice program and she was grateful for that as she doesn't want a nursing home but does understand that we can not do it alone. Doctor said that it won't be long now.

H is still in his own screwed up world. He had told OW hopeful at work that if she didn't start talking to him that the phone terrorist's were going to win.( she said he was kind of laughing when he said it) OW was confused but once she figured out that he was talking about the person that calls me, she told him that if she had decided to talk to him that they would have more reason to call and hurt my feelings and she didn't want to do that.
The thing H doesn't get is that it isn't about the phone calls it's about the fact that H makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't want him to get the wrong idea.

What I thought about last night is what if she decided to talk to him again, he knows I don't want that but, keeps right on trying and I know he wouldn't tell me that they were in friend status again. To me that is still infidelity.
AM I wrong?

I know right now that he hasn't much of a clue about what is the right and wrong thing to do (maybe he does but still can't help what he does because he is not looking at the big picture only what he wants then).
OW thinks he may be trying to get back to the way things were in the begining so that he can pretend nothing ever happened and so he doesn't have to work through all of this. She might have a point.

I know I feel pretty stressed right now with all that is going on and I need to find a happy medium.

JAK


You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
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Jak,

I don't know what the answer is to this problem. I'm sure there will be many wise DBers that have better ideas than me. Just know that I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.

Hugs, Yoyo




Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
-- Bernice Johnson Reagon


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Thank you Yoyo I appreciate The thoughts.

JAK

Last edited by jak58; 09/25/08 05:06 PM.

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
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Quote:
OW thinks he may be trying to get back to the way things were in the begining so that he can pretend nothing ever happened and so he doesn't have to work through all of this. She might have a point.


Just wondering...do you not have enough going on you that you still feel the need to seek feedback regarding YOUR husband from someone that's no better than a common two-bit whore?

She is not your friend and aside from dropping you a line if he initiates ANY contact, she needs to be treated like what she is: the dirt on the bottom of your shoes.

Listen, one thing that will paralyze the whole process of DBing is overanalysis. If you add OTHER people's analysis of your situation to all the analysis you provide for yourself, you're just going to end up with a whole lot of information and not one clue wtf to do with it.

In short, you have the knowledge but only time and patience are going to promote true wisdom.

In the meantime, take out the trash.

Or at least stop communicating with it.



Peace,


AmyC

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Hi Jak..I found your new thread. Hope you are good. I know you have alot going on and am sending hugs your way.

(((JAK))))

Ps go check out my thread. Its been an eye opening but tough week or so.


Me: 46 FWS: 36
Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07
Baby Girl born 3/08
Kicked him out because OW: 7/08
5/10 He realized what he had and lost.
Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
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I agree with AmyC that overanalyzing can be counterproductive!

What do you do for fun? (I am still lousy at "me time" so looking for ideas). Worrying can take up so much time. So can the computer!!!

(((JAK)))

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Originally Posted By: AmyC


In short, you have the knowledge but only time and patience are going to promote true wisdom.



Jak,

As hard is it is Amy said it all. I too at one time dug and dug and found the "Knowledge" (if that is what you want to call it) on the OM and my Wife.
Then came the question "now what" I could bury my marriage in revenge. I could have destroyed the OM marriage. Or I could just wait and see.
What I did was wait and see and I have learned so much about my wife (good and bad) that I never realized.
The OW is not your friend. I don't know your sitch totally but ANYONE that would get in between a married man and a woman. (Or I guess now a days man and man or woman and woman.... well I would not mind getting between a woman and woman) has NO morals and NO Self Respect.
Everyone including myself has not had the opportunity and slight urge to "be with" somebody that was not your spouse at one time. But it's our self respect and morals that separate us from the animals that just "do it".
Being married I have seen many women that were extremely attractive. I have had brief thoughts about what it would be like to "be with" them. But....they came and went. (The thoughts).
During one of our conversations W said "you don't even really know the OM)
I told her “I know he does not respect his wife, I know he lies, and I know he does not respect your or his wedding vows...
What else do I need to know?"
She did not answer...
I am kind of rambling here, sorry but the stress about wife’s job is getting to me. I can't imagine what it is doing to her inside. Out side she seems calm. But I know it means allot to her.

Later

Dr LOve


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
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In Jak's defense, I talk to her frequently, and I don't honestly believe that this OW is like that. She has done nothing to make him believe that she is the least bit interested in her H. This is just a infatuation he has with her. There has been no "affair" per say, just his feelings for her in which the "ow" has openly let jak know every time he has made contact with her.

I know, I know what your all going to say, BUT there ARE decent people out there that are honest, and I believe that this is so in her case. There are such things as one -sided affairs or shall I say "fantasy affairs"

I have been prvy to other info that jak has told me personally, and what jak feels is completly accurate EXCEPT...

This is for you jak..

Your going to have to be more adament about him wanting to be friends with her, because as long as he keeps holding this candle for her, he won't start to work on you two. This has to be your condition with staying and working towards your M or you will take those packed bags and be on your way. I know he is in MLC mode like we talked about, and with everything else going on its not helping matters.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think you should talk to this woman on a daily basis, and you always have to be careful, but I don't honestly think from what you have told me that she is out to break you guys up, or she wouldn't be avoiding him like the plague and letting you know when he's made contact.

Im here if you need to talk.

(((((jak))))


me: 37
H: 44
Married for 18 years this june
S7
S3
porn issues, and much more... since 7/06

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
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This does really sound like its more of her H's fantasy and OW is trying to be supportive of Jak.


Me: 46 FWS: 36
Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07
Baby Girl born 3/08
Kicked him out because OW: 7/08
5/10 He realized what he had and lost.
Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
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JAK58 Offline OP
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Ouch!
Ok guys that is going to leave a mark right where the 2x4 hit me in the head.
This is why I value your Opinions and also Amy your unsite into MLC. I need to ground myself.

You people are right I am over analyzing everything.
I know that I need to be patient but, this has been going on for a very long time (since the fall of 05 that I first noticed and I gave him soooo much space) I have only brought up R convo. a few times and that is when I have been confronted with things.(not from OW)I am tired and sick of still being lied to. He just wants it to be brushed aside.

He won't go to counceling or Retro but has a Dr's appt Tuesday and Im'e going to ask him to talk to Doc. about depression meds as he feels like doing nothing that he once loved to do. He can at least do this for our M I feel. If he won't I can't make him but, I will be detaching big time and will not let him reel me in again.

Amy I also have to say that even though I welcome your 2x4's and opinion (and that is why I asked for you) OW is just H's fantasy she has not initiated anything with H other than being his friend at work along with other mutual friends and I have had two of my friends that work with her verify this so I do not feel the least bit threatened by her now. I think she feels bad for what has hapened but, you are right I don't need to hear feedback from her (though I like to know weather or not H is steping over the only boundry that I have set. Your right WTF do I do with the info? The same thing I have been, driving myself nuts because I have it and can do nothing to change it.
I have made it clear to H and in plain english what I consider that to be at our last R talk. I fell if he crosses these I have to act and not let him cake eat, I have done enough of that. So aside from crucial info regaurding this boundry of cards gifts and personal talk, contact I will not discuss anything with her.

If any of you think im'e still being an idiot just come and hit me with another 2x4 to keep me in line. I welcome your in your face reality checks. It may take a few of them to really make me understand as Im'e still learning to detach after all this time and my H makes it hard for me to do. He's no idiot when to comes to that, he knows how to manipulate me and im'e just attached enough to let him.

Funny I always though of myself as pretty independent and self confident within our M and now I feel like I am unable to find me, Who am I.

How can I be doing this for so long and still be so screwed up?

JAK


You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
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