Alright anyone have any ideas on whether or not to contact W. It has been 7 weeks since she moved out. One phone convo 5 weeks ago saying she spoke with L. And one text from her last week taking stuff from the home. Other than that notta thing.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Well I heard from my W yesterday through text messages:
W: Can we meet up today 2 go over some stuff?
M: What stuff?
W: Money the house etc
M: I' out of town today.
W: Who's watching the dogs?
M: X
I really was out of town about 5 hours away actually. I guess right now is to let her get ahold of me again set up a time to meet. My time not hers. Also when I go be strong and confident.
I live in the house and she moved to an apartment. I am sure that she is going to want to discuss selling the house. Do I list the house or tell her to get it going with a realtor. There are no papers filed or anything and I am sure that she wants to get rid of the house so that the D will go faster.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
I text W back today and told her that we could go over stuff on thursday. I have not heard back from her.
I think that she maybe going into the L today to file papers as she logged onto bank accounts and mortgage online yesterday and it is the 1st time that she has ever done that.
How long does one try things before they don't work. W seems to be still moving in direction of getting D. I have been completely and totally dark for nearly two months. Time to switch things around but how without it seeming like I am pursuing? Especially if she does file papers today or this week.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
I have been going back and forth with W on when to meet. All through texts as I have only spoken with her once in the past two months.
I suggested Thursday - She can't make it. She says she wants to meet tonight. I told her I was busy. So I am thinking that we are going to meet sometime this week. She wants to discuss Money, Selling the house and I am sure filing for D. I do not want to have any part in filing but she maybe asking me to file jointly so that we can cut down on the L and all. Need help on what to say to her.
1) Tell her this is silly and that we really need to work this out.
2) Tell her that I think that this is the best thing as it was completely disrespectful of her the way that she treated me and her being not happy and immediately wanting a divorce is disrespectful and I do not know why I tolerated it for so long. I was a good husband and do not deserve to be treated such a way that everytime my wife is unhappy she goes looking elsewhere to be happy. And that I will not let my next wife disrespect me like that.
3) Any suggestions.
Thx
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
HI gobison I personally do not like text messages, if she wants to contact you then she should call you. IF she wants to go over stuff let her initiate. If you are wanting to contact her, are you confident that she will want to talk to you? Going dark is always the hardest part of DB because it is implied that you are going Dark so you can GAL, but if she doesn't want to do anything with you how does she know you gal? I guess the answer lies in the fact that now she has to make time for you cuz you are too busy with your own stuff to bother about her, right?
Do not go into #2 unless you are confident that she won't clam up and go dark herself.
My wife said something very interesting to me the other day, she said that we need to work on trust. I didn't quite understand what she meant at first, but then it dawned on me. She doesn't trust that when we argue my tone won't be condascending so she is always on the defensive from the get go. Comprende? So basically your W has to trust you not to do trigger her emotions and vice versa.
You basically have to rebuild from scratch. ITs hard but not impossible. You already know her and already have a foundation.
Well she pretty much has gone dark since I have only heard from her twice until this week in the past two months. Not sure how much darker she can be. The only time that I initiated contact in the past two months is when I told her that she needs to let me know when she was going to stop by the house.
Maybe something more along the lines of just acting like her going through with the divorce doesn't bother me. And she is free to do whatever she wants. I don't want to push things along any faster but I don't want to give her the sense that she is in control over my me either. #2 is more along the lines of what Gucci posted to BJ.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
... She wants to discuss Money, Selling the house and I am sure filing for D.
What you believe will be your truth. You create your own reality. You believe she will discuss D.... Guess what? What do you want from the meeting?
How about enjoying being in the presence of your W (no matter how she is acting or what she is say)? Look into her eyes and think about how beautiful they are. Look at her lips and think about kissing them. Listen to every word like it is an interesting story. Validate what she says. Do not agree to things you do not agree with. Ya ya ya, easy for me to say. Hard for me to do....It took me awhile to do that. MsR2C believes I am a dumbass. Yes I understand that. I validate her feelings. I listen to her story. That does not mean it is true, but I do understand her POV.
Quote:
1) Tell her this is silly and that we really need to work this out.
This completely invalidates what she believes. Validate.
Quote:
2) Tell her that I think that this is the best thing as it was completely disrespectful of her the way that she treated me and her being not happy and immediately wanting a divorce is disrespectful and I do not know why I tolerated it for so long. I was a good husband and do not deserve to be treated such a way that everytime my wife is unhappy she goes looking elsewhere to be happy. And that I will not let my next wife disrespect me like that.
I feel this is full of blame.
express feelings without defending. hold your boundaries. Project confidence and happiness. Tough love. - Empathy, natural consequences
Less words the better. Listen, validate, understand. Compassion.
"I feel we can be happy together, but if D is what you truly want, than I will not stand in your way"
I can spontaneously smile (at any time) by thinking about a very pleasurable moment in my life (that occurred many months ago). Practice this before the meeting. If you start getting sucked into the fear of D, Think your positive thought and smile. And enjoy look at your W.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
