NC with wife for one week

[Ready2Change]

I understand the communication issue O SO WELL.
I practice all my new found skills with everyone else. Everyone else is very easy. MsR2C has huge walls up still.

Sooo.....

Sent her a text on Friday to have a good weekend at work.

Do you you think W wants to be told what to do? Keep the texts to "Business only". -- "I have your mail, would you prefer me to "Choice A" or "Choice B"?

Be sure you are willing to live with either choice, but give her two options, she will feel she is making a choice and not being told what to do.

Next time you see her, maybe a "How are you?" and just listen. She may say "Fine". Use your senses and see if she will open up more. Choices for your response "You sound sad", "You sound angry", "You sound XYZ", "You look tired"

...So when I talked to her had wanted me to call before and said that it was ok to talk. Now when I do call she doesn't answer or call back.

Just remember she is hurt and confused. Patience, forgiveness and understanding.

[GoBison]

Thanks for checking up R2C. I will let her be for a few days and then try to get ahold of her later this week to wish her luck on her race. 10 mile

I am trying to be patient and I have been the whole time. It is just getting really frustrating with her not even making any attempt at anything. I don't call she gets mad. I try to call she doesn't answer. Everything that I do is wrong in her eyes. Even if we have problems she shouldn't be acting like this and not want to try anything. Yeah I know I read the whole WAW article.

If she would have said that I was controlling and I was well that is something that I could work on. The house we bought I didn't even see until I pulled up in the Uhaul. She thinks that I am jealous and I don't call or bother her for 2 months. If I was controlling or jealous wouldn't I have. It's just frustrating and I am venting. Yeah she is spoiled and I am to blame in that. We held off having kids for 6 years because she wasn't ready still wanted to party. In the mean time I did everything she wanted waiting around for her. Then when she is ready she walks out the door.

I am in a town where I know very little people because she wanted to move here. My entire retirement is going to be wiped out on a house that she wanted to buy. I turned down a better job so she could move here. She makes twice as much as me and I will get nothing in the divorce. I am pretty much going to have to start all over in my life because she was unhappy for a couple of months and doesn't want to talk about it. And I am the one who wants to save my M. There must be something wrong with me.

[Ready2Change]

I can relate to the "knowing very little people". I have a whole new circle of friends now (mostly women ). I just keep working on me. I pass out what I want to receive. Smiles, friendly conversations,honest compliments, etc....The women in my life find it easy to open up to me. I listen and validate. I offer support when appropriate......Can I do it with MsR2C? Not while she is not talking to me.....I just keep practicing.


SOOOO, She is MAD. She is projecting all her anger at YOU. She does not know why she is mad, but has focused all her anger at YOU. DO NOT PULL THE ROPE!!!! She is confused. She believes that you do not understand her. Do you want her to miss you when you are away, or do you want to give her more contact so she can blame you for her unhappiness?

She feels like she has given all she has to the relationship. She has given up. That is why she is not trying right now. She believes she does not want a relationship with you. This is a time for self reflection and change (IE GROWTH). We grow during the difficult times in our lives. (I have committed to personal growth from now on...)

Enough of my 2x4's. I know this whole situation sucks. It is out of our control. All we can do is control our thoughts, actions and words. We can focus on making positive changes in our lives. We can focus on all the positive things in our lives and let the negatives fade away.

[GoBison]

Ok R2C I am feeling better today. Yesterday was a rough day and so was last night at least for a while. I really thought about things between us and let the anger go. I started listening to the first part of Susan Page book and really thought about it. We were both going in a circle in the way we treated each other. I don't think that we were intentionally hurting each other we just both did it. We probably thought he the other is doing this on purpose. At least I did. My LL would be physical touch. When she would get home from work she would sit on the opposite couch and go to the computer yet would want to talk. It would frustrate me as it would happen every night. Her love language is quality time. Nevertheless I wuold get frustrated and seemed upset that all she wanted to do was sit over on the computer. She would get frustrated and when it was time to go to bed she would stay up later watching tv. Thus S once a month or longer was not uncommon. Which frustrated me even more and made things worse between us. It just kept going in a circle and neither of us would break out of it. I am sure that the things I was doing would seem to be jealous to her as I seemed upset at her. Her thinking it was because she was on the computer and me thinking that it was because she did not show any affection. The two of us being together all the time did not help matters as we could not break out of our patterns.

I know that we could be good together and that if we would have just realized this things could have been really great. But when it seems like the other person is intentionally withholding or trying to hurt you. What is the point of making the effort. We both also let it fester inside of us and did not say things that we should have. When one did say things after things built up for a while it did not help matters because the other was feeling upset at why should I do anything when she/he's not. And just kept the circle going.

The main principle behind DB is to do what works not to just leave the other person alone. Sure don't overly pursue and puts tons of pressure on that person. But if my W's main LL is quality time and that is how she connects then how do I connect with her and let her know that I do love her and that things can be better without doing this. I know that my W is hurting and maybe she does want me to reach out to her. Maybe she wants me to be the one that steps up and leads us back together. Not contacting her has only made things worse as she then filed for D. Even though she does not answer my calls now what it that is what she is wanting for me to try but thinks that if she talks too much right now she will want to come back and not contacting her and trying to talk is easier for her to let go.

While I think that your advice is good for the most people on not contacting their S. I don't think it is the right advice for me. I do believe that my W wants me to be there for her and to show her that I do care and can do it without being upset with her. I want to tell her of the things that kept us going in a circle and by some of the things that she said the other night I can tell that she was starting to think along the same lines. That is also what helped me to realize what was going on. Her also saying things to me to push me back also tells me that if she does continue to be around me she won't be able to continue on her path.

I did not contact my W yesterday as I was in a bad place myself and did not want things to get worse. I may try to call her again tomorrow and see if she wants to do something this weekend. (there will be a 2x4 coming from R2C on that one) I have to try something different and if it is what works then I will continue to do it. NC did not work. As far as telling her where we went wrong and the things that I think that can make it better I will hold off on that for a while. Who knows with God's help she may consider going to counseling once or twice before we get divorced. If I really push for things on the D and it takes longer than the month that she has planned then she may go just to make things go faster. That would be a much better time to tell her.

Will we make it. That is not up to me. That is up to her and God. Will I change. Yep. Will things be a lot better between us if we do try to make a go of it. Yep as long as we don't go back to our old patterns and really talk about things. Stupid communication thing.

[Stronger]

I think she is still super pissed at you. Patience and time is all you have to work with now, so use them wisely.
Ultimately, this is still your wife. Don't be afraid to contact her but don't be annoying. I think you are doing fine with the little bits of contact you've made.

[GoBison]

I am not pushing things I am just trying to make some contact. She text me to let me know that she was taking money out of our checking to put in her's. I just text back K thanks for letting me know. It's just a minor thing but it is still another step the other way. But then again she did let me know which she didn't originally when she opened the account and put some money in there.

[Ready2Change]

I do believe that my W wants me to be there for her and to show her that I do care and can do it without being upset with her.

Great! Are you to the point where you can love her unconditionally and take all her garbage without taking it personally?

I want to tell her of the things that kept us going in a circle and by some of the things that she said the other night I can tell that she was starting to think along the same lines.

I feel it is more important for you to SHOW her. I have a hard enough time changing my behavior, let alone explaining to someone else that they need to change and actually have them listen, especially MsR2C.

That is also what helped me to realize what was going on.

As long as one person can step out of the box and change the interactions, that is all that matters. The relationship has to change. WE have the responsibility to make our personal changes because we can SEE the negative effects of our subconscious behavior and WE know that we need to stop doing what does not work.

[GoBison]

Great! Are you to the point where you can love her unconditionally and take all her garbage without taking it personally?

As long as I continue to look at it as I am already done what do I have to lose. If things start to get better that is when I really have to watch it as I will be less detached.

I feel it is more important for you to SHOW her. I have a hard enough time changing my behavior, let alone explaining to someone else that they need to change and actually have them listen, especially MsR2C.

I will show and wait for a better time to say something to her. Time is running low is the only problem.

As long as one person can step out of the box and change the interactions, that is all that matters. The relationship has to change. WE have the responsibility to make our personal changes because we can SEE the negative effects of our subconscious behavior and WE know that we need to stop doing what does not work.

Yeah we can make the changes which I have to keep in mind is for myself and not for her otherwise there will be resentment towards her.

[GoBison]

I haven't tried to get a hold of my W the last couple of days. I just haven't felt up to it. As I know it would turn into me begging her not to do this. I am really feeling down about the whole sitch and just want to give up and not fight her on the D. If I don't fight her it will be over for good. Pretty much just feeling bad for myself and the loss of what should be something good.

[Ready2Change]

Hey,

I haven't tried to get a hold of my W the last couple of days....it would turn into me begging her not to do this.

First, good job on "letting her be". Let her miss you.

... just want to give up and not fight her on the D. If I don't fight her it will be over for good.

"What you resist, persists."-- Any reason to fight her? She does not want to be controlled.

Pretty much just feeling bad for myself and the loss of what should be something good.

It is OK to feel these feelings and morn the loss of the R. Just do it away from her. Crying is a great release. Feeling the pain allows you to feel happy. When around her and others project happiness, confidence, and all those other characteristics that people find attractive. Show her what she will be losing by continuing down her path.