Well the separation papers are finally drawn up. H wants to "go over them with me to translate the legalese". I'm downright terrified. I'm really afraid...I guess I'll have to stay calm and get them to my L as fast as possible to see what he says before I decide anything.
Any words of advice? I know I'm supposed to "keep ironing and watching family guy" not let him get my goat, stay calm, act as if I'm strong not needy, but man, I'm having panic attacks already. How am I going to get through it?
As for no calls, H called once to set up an app. with a plumber, that is all. Besides that I've laid low. My mom came over tonight for dinner and helped with S5 as I was really depressed. I'm tired of all the abuse. She and I talked and I feel better - she is totally onboard with the show him I'm moving on thing - reminded me of my tendency in past relationships to hang on way after a relationship is over. She says I need to keep H from having power over me. Time for LRT?
I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting, Hope. But yes, it is time for LRT. I have been leery of the verbal and emotional abuse your H dishes out to you and your S, and I think moving on is probably for the best.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Thanks Dia. I'm really tired of it. H has always had these tendencies, but only since the separation has he gone full force. This is what has kept me hanging on - the fact that H "isn't normally this bad." But I'm tired of hanging on. I'm scared to move on as well. But I think you are right.
Anyone - my H says he has his version of the separation agreement finished and wants to "talk it over with me to explain the legalese." My father says under no circumstances should I sit and listen to H's translation of the agreement because it might be argued later that I agreed to something I didn't mean to .... and that I should simply hand them to my L and have the L explain them to me.
I agree with your father. I think your H should drop the papers off when you are not there. You can then read them at your leisure, get input from whoever you like, etc.
I don't think a sit-down with him is a good idea either. Too much chance for things to go hairy.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I also agree with your father and Dia. It's also another opportunity for him to test you and I think it would be very hard to be strong. Would be for me.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Oh yes, I have one. I've posted my sitch earlier. H wants legal sep and will then only go to MC with me. "In case we get divorced" he wants the alimony to officially stop as of the day he moved out. If I don't agree to a legal sep, he'll file for D. If I agree to a legal sep, he agrees to go to MC for five months and this is writen into the legal sep agreement.
So, I've been waiting to get the agreement papers from him - he has them and was advised to go over them with me. I have no idea if I should do this first before showing them to my L, or just take them and only talk to my L. Obviously, I wouldn't sign anything without giving them to my L first.
My father suggested that even if I nod my head "in understanding" at anything H says about agreement, it could be argued as "agreeing" so I shouldn't talk to him at all. I just don't know.
So H called me this morning, earlier than usual. When I call him for the schedule, he often avoids me - but I have been sticking to my no call strategy, and he chomped at the bit this morning to plan time with S. I kept very detached, upbeat. I didn't try to negotiate with him (180). I simply told him what my plans were with S and told H he could meet us (pumpkin patch then bday party). H tagged along.
I kept aloof and doing my own thing. Didn't try to talk to him or avoid him. When H talked to me I was upbeat and light. H left after three hours. I did ask what the plan was for tomorrow and got "Stop bugging me" again.
I let him go.
I texted him only to say that this thing where he doesn't tell me ahead of time when he wants to visit S and then says I'm bugging him when I need to know so I can make my own schedule doesn't work for me. I did a KISS!
So he actually 1)apologized like four times for being snappy with me and for not having a schedule ahead of time 2) agreed to work out a communal schedule in writing to avoid vagueness, and 3) to talk about this in therapy.
This is first time he has mentioned talking about anything in therapy. This is a big sign. He seems to be actually sticking to his plan to attend MC with me to work things out.
I'm proud of myself for staying detached and standing up for myself in a brief, to the point way. I'm proud at the positive response I got from H. They are new babysteps.
Went to a pumpkin carving party that the whole family goes to each year. H did not come. Was totally depressed watching all the families with small kids - all of them with two parents by their sides. I felt like a total failure.
