I'm new wondering if this works...

[hopingbeyondhope]

hi hope4luv - consider the small things and take heart.
It really amazes me sometimes how our S can say ine one breath that I love you but still inflict so much pain.

I know how you feel when those days come. Had one yesterday myself.

[Butterfly1]

EB, man are you a saint? You are right, I've been so self-centered, so angry that I have forgotten how to have empathy for him. I cannot even imagine filing for legal separation or divorce. I assume this makes him feel good, feel powerful, feel hopeful in the fantasy that being rid of me will make him happier. So then I feel resentful. I have a hard time imagining this brings H pain, suffering, loss. I have a hard time imagining my pennywise H would spend one cent on a lawyer if it didn't make him feel good.

That is why H blames me. H does not want to feel the pain of splitting up the family. H does not see himself as responsible for this. H has said to me "I have no choice" and I told him this was all his choice.

It used to be me that fantasized about leaving my H and that it would bring me more happiness. Until he left and I tried dating and I realized how miserable I was that way too. The reality was worse. So, as long as he is projecting the pain onto me, he has the fantasy that D is better.


Empathy - EB I just don't know how right now. Any tips?

I have had empathy for the pain I have caused him. The little boy inside him that has felt demeaned, embarassed, hurt. But when is H going to wake up and see he made me feel the same way? When is he going to take in my regret for my actions? It all seems so unfair. I'm really making changes here and he's not.

But that is where I can find the empathy = to realize that no matter what my perceived injustices were in the marriage, I was hurtful, selfish, immature, and I did promise changes I didn't consistently keep. I did make fun of him and yell at him and throw things. So did he, but that doesn't change my actions. I need to remember and have empathy. Hopefully, someday, I will receive the same empathy.

[Butterfly1]

hi hope4luv - consider the small things and take heart.
It really amazes me sometimes how our S can say ine one breath that I love you but still inflict so much pain.

I know how you feel when those days come. Had one yesterday myself.

People on this board remind me to soak in the good times.

Let's just do that and try not to obsess on the bad. This whole thing is like a plant. We have to keep watering it even if we don't see any growth. One day, hopefully we shall look back and see a gorgeous huge sunflower radiating in our garden.

[Energizer Bunny]

Tips? I would be a hipocrite to give any. I've having a bad week with that myself. That mindset is the only thing that has given me peace recently.

I think of how much I love/have loved her and how bad she must be feeling to be so unhappy with the life that we have put together that she wants to run away from it.

I know I feel bad, but at least I know I'm doing the right thing. I can look in the mirror, in my son's eyes, at my family, and pray to God without questioning my recent actions. I cannot imagine the inner conflict she must be going through. In the back of her (and his) mind they have a little tiny quiet voice that doesn't really want to do this. Otherwise it would be done. They just have an overshelming feeling...feeling of need to go, to change something. To "go find their happiness."

That must be such a dark place.

Sorry, I don't have any tips besides to just think about it from that perspective.

I even told my W that I can't imagine how she must feel. I told her that I love her enough to let her go if that is what would truly make her happy. I do love her and I want her to be happy.

I just don't think this is the way to get there. I have an image of her "waking up" one day asking herself, "What the hell happened? Why is my husband with someone else? Who is that other woman in my house tucking my S in at night?"

THAT would suck! Especially holding the knowledge that YOU were the one responsible for it. Some people will be able to convince themselves that it's not their fault, but not everyone. How do I know this? My mother did EXACTLY this to our family. 26 years later she still struggles with that guilt. She woke up...it was just too late in her case.

[Butterfly1]

Eb. It is hard. But it's the right perspective. My H is miserable most of the time I see him. This separation is not making him anhy more happy. I can see it. He's angry, bitter, distrusting. He doesn't want to make up and risk trusting me again only to be hurt again. Being angry that he is scared and shut down doesn't encourage him to open up or feel better. Only love and compassion. Being his friend.

And there is always hope as long as there's that little voice in the back of their heads. They have to be the ones to listen to it. If we push, then we take over the voice of wanting to stay together. That strengthens the voice in them that wants to run away. They need to feel completely free to make a decision for themselves. Hopefully they do before it's too late, but they may not. We have to be prepared.

[Energizer Bunny]

I agree.

The strange thing is watching my W go into her "overly happy" moods. It's really weird. She gets nearly giddy happy. Blasts music, sings, dances around the house, talks for hours on the phone.

As said before though, I think there's some MLC going on in my sitch.

[Butterfly1]

Yeah, my intuition tells me it's less about you and more about her. Maybe you can get her to open up to you about her MLC feelings? It's hard for a woman, I went through it and wish I had shared it with my H because I acted out similarly and it pushed H away - made him feel I was rejecting him. Which I was. But it was really about my MLC.

Think about it that she's not overly happy to be away from you, she's overly happy to counterbalance the deep pain she is in. It's her issue.

[Energizer Bunny]

I share some of the blame for our sitch. I don't deny that.

I have to wait for her to bring up her issues though. If I tried to initiate that conversation she would be very defensive and make it seem as if I am placing all of the blame on her.

The best times have been when I have just been understanding (better at this than I used to be) when she starts to talk. I just sit and listen with very little feedback.

Good point about her giddy moods. Thanks.

[Butterfly1]

Yeah, I do the same thing. My H is so defensive. But my attitude of listening with compassion seems to help.

I also often start by sharing MY issues and sometimes it encourages him to open up to. AFter a long time. Oh well.

He's still critical of the house, etc, but being more instantly forgiving - I see besides it being about his Felix Unger nature, it's also about that he is not living at home so he feels out of control of "our" house. He's asking me about the household chores more calmly and directly and then gets over it quicker saying "it doesn't matter that much" I hope this is a good sign. My fear is that since he's writing up papers, he is saying to himself "It doesn't matter because I'll soon be outta here and what she does won't matter to me any more". I hope it's not that and it is more that he realizes that his problem with explosiveness and over-criticalness is actually A PROBLEM IN OUR M.

[BigJohn]

I feel your pain, and I am so sorry that you're going through all of this.

I have really been trying to switch my mindset to more of a "it must be horrible to be in her(W's)shoes." It would be horrible to find yourself so unhappy with your life one day. You'd know what you're doing goes against your wedding vows, will break up your family, hurt your children, devistate the spouse that loves you, cost you your home and financial stability. Yet, something is making them feel that they need to go. They're fighting fear of being unhappy forever. They're fighting the feeling that they will never find happiness within their families. They feel that happiness is awaiting them somewhere "out there" and we are in the way.

Then once in a while, just once in a while, they start to miss us. They sniff back around for a few minutes. Maybe it feels good then scares them. Maybe they're so sensitive at this point that a certain tone of voice sets them off.

What a horrible place they are in. Can you imagine?

(With that said...I want to go file myself this week and just be done with her. Hopefully this will pass.)

EB,

You make a good point here. Despite the pain we are all going through, I think we all need to reflect from time to time what our spouses must be thinking and going through.

Good luck to you in your sitch.