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#1839178 - 09/17/09 02:36 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: BigJohn]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Although my H tonight said he will see how MC goes (good sign), he also follwed with how he doesn't think anything can change because he's "traumatized from the past." He claims to have PTSD from me.

Oh please. He gives me PTSD every time he comes home and yells at me.

Which, by the way, he did again - tonight. I started to react and changed my tune. I went to my support group and when I came back he watched a show with me. I cuddled up to him for the first time since the bomb. He complained and said he had to go to bed but said "OK, for a minute". AFter my allotted minute, I tried to kiss him and he pulled away.

I don't deal well with rejection, can you tell? He says some stupid crap about me giving him PTSD and all I want to do is make new memories of love and coziness.

Good news- I got a one minute cuddle. Bad news - I shouldn't be pushing. I should be making him miss me.

Damn, I wanted to give up on DB tonight. After our fight and he just uses it to tell me to get lost and I worry he'll divorce me and then tells me what a traumatizing person I am - then I pursue? WTF is wrong with me? IF someone doesn't want to be with me, why can't I get a clue?

Nevertheless, like you said - if he feels "traumatized" I should have more empathy. I just don't like being blamed for his pain. I could have a lot more empathy if he was struggling with his own demons instead.

Because he had calmed down when I got home, spent time with me calmly talking and watching a show - it felt good. It felt like he wasn't going away. It felt like little by little he was coming back.

Today is the six month anniversary of the bomb. Bad memories for me. And all he can do is talk about HIS pain. And rub it in that he's glad it happened. Why do I put up with this. I wish I was strong enough to stop taking crumbs and being ever available. I do'nt know if I can do this DB stuff.


Edited by Hope4Luv (09/17/09 02:38 AM)
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1839277 - 09/17/09 09:26 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
I do'nt know if I can do this DB stuff.


Maybe you're ready to detach.

I don't see how your hubby can miss you. It sounds like he's there all of the time.

It can take a LONG time for people to get past resentment that has taken years to build up.
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1839286 - 09/17/09 09:43 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
He claims to have PTSD from me.


Sorry, but I'm getting a little chuckle from the image of your hubby hunkered down in a fox hole with one of those protective army helmets, surrounded by sandbags in your living room in the midst of a big arguement with you.

You're hurling anger and insults like grenades. He's firing back with anger and intimidation.

You dodge his shots and fire right back.

This is too much for him. He can't take it anymore. He starts to pray and longs for the days back in his hometown. He misses his childhood dog and wonders how he ever got himself into this war. He tries to escape but fails.

By the time he musters up the courage to flee from the scene, he's frightened but and can see the carnage that surrounds him. Poof. Traumatized. He'll never be the same again.

The smell of perfume, the sight of a makeup bag, the sound of your favorite TV show's theme song. They all send him into a panic after that. They all bring him back to that fox hole in the living room.


OK, so I'm a little dramatic...sounds like he is too
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1839373 - 09/17/09 11:38 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Energizer Bunny]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
EB - you are too funny. THANK YOU!!!!
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1839453 - 09/17/09 01:24 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Energizer Bunny]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Energizer Bunny


Maybe you're ready to detach.

I don't see how your hubby can miss you. It sounds like he's there all of the time.

It can take a LONG time for people to get past resentment that has taken years to build up.





You are right. I've been trying to be around him to demonstrate my changes. Today I'm going to practice withdrawing and giving space. After dinner tonight, when he comes over I am going out. I'm going to exercise, go to the library and work - anything to do something for me.

I won't pressure him for hugs or cuddles or anything else. And I'm doing better at not having long R talks - I need to STOP R talks. No R talks tonight.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1839457 - 09/17/09 01:28 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
I am going out. I'm going to exercise, go to the library and work - anything to do something for me.

I won't pressure him for hugs or cuddles or anything else. And I'm doing better at not having long R talks - I need to STOP R talks. No R talks tonight.


Good for you.

Have fun!
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1839638 - 09/17/09 04:36 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Energizer Bunny]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Here's the fear I have with detaching - I'm still going to try it - but here's what happened before.

Over the summer I felt the way I feel now. H was moved out. I was trying to work on my M. My H was not interested. It was before DB, before I made some of the changes and 180's I've done like giving up theatre, showing more interest in his life, staying calm no matter what bait he throws at me, etc. But I felt I was trying the only way I knew how. I was much more on the fence myself. I was tired of his angry outbursts and his coldness. I felt hopeless. I kinda told him "work on this or I'm going to move on." I started dating, I spent time away from him, I lived my life without him. I even told him to start dating.

It didn't work to shock him. It didn't work to pull him back. That was a big mistake because that is when he started making moves to get the legal separation, to date that OW, and he told me he was preparing to move on without me. I realized eventually I didn't like dating or being a single parent any more than being M. We started MC (he left after three sessions) I found DB, made some changes and told him I was wrong and I do want to work on things.

I may or may not ended up exactly where i am today if I hadn't done these things. But I still blame myself for giving up to easily and acting on a separation I wasn't fully prepared for. He got used to being alone and thinking about a future without me and I actually encouraged it.

So I've been intentionally trying to be around when he is home so that I am making the effort to show him I care. He has felt neglected in the past so I'm trying to show him love, care, and interest. I'm trying to have a pleasant R without exploding. I'm trying to demonstrate my changes.

So now how to detach without the fear that this will just let him go again to be resolved to live without me? I have to invest in some time of solid R work to show I'm committed to the long haul.

I was reacting before to my own fantasies that I'd be happier with someone else. Also giving up because H didn't seem to want me and I was not fighting for what I want, I was just giving up.

So I get scared when he wants to be alone or with our S alone or doesn't want to touch me or talk to me. I never felt like this before the bomb. If anything, I was the more distant one. I was the one who was happy for us to just do our own thing - and I let our M suffer by not putting in the time. He felt rejected. He's hurt now.

How do I not give up on our M while also detaching?


Edited by Hope4Luv (09/17/09 04:44 PM)
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1839771 - 09/17/09 08:47 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Well...there's a story for ya!

I've got nothing. I'm all thought out for the day.

One thing that I know is that this isn't a one size fits all kind of thing. I think the crux (sp) of DBing is to stop doing what doesn't work. What doesn't work for me isn't the same as what doesn't work for you.

My W felt smothered. That didn't work for her/us. I need to do a 180 from that. That may not be the right way to go for you.

I think that making your changes and living them is still key though. Pressing R talk is probably a no no still too.

How to detach without giving up? Well...don't give up. Don't forget about yourself either though. Do your best. Know it's your best. Love your husband. Know you'll be ok no matter how it turns out. You'll know you did your best.

Remember that Stockdale Paradox that you put on my page earlier?
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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#1839777 - 09/17/09 09:13 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
givingitmyall Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/09
Posts: 3844
Loc: Southeast
Quote:
How do I not give up on our M while also detaching?


Hope, I think you have made the same mistake many people make about detaching. It appears to me that you equate detaching with withdrawing. That's not what detaching is.

Detaching is actually accepting the possibility you will be D'd despite your efforts. And you know you will be ok. You aren't detaching from the other person so much as you are detaching from the eventual outcome.

Detaching is NOT giving a cold shoulder, being withdrawn, being rude, losing love, numbing yourself b/c you do not want to be hurt again, acting out of anger or ignoring another.

Detaching is loving someone enough to let them free to make a decision that may not include you. And being ok with it.

Now, for the hard part. While you are detaching, you are, at the same time changing yourself to make YOU happy. In that way, you become more attractive to your H. Maybe he comes back, maybe not.

So, to answer your question, you detach TO WORK ON the M. Detachment and working on the M are not opposing forces. You can detach (which is really about getting your mind right) and work on your M at the same time.
_________________________
Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current

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#1839804 - 09/17/09 09:58 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: givingitmyall]
shellshockedga Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/09
Posts: 128
Hope I would add that there is an excellent book I am reading about codependency and detachment. The book is Co-Dependent no more by Melody Beattie. It may be helpful to read. I am dealing with learning how to detach as well and this has been very helpful to me.

Good luck!
_________________________
ME 41, Her 41
M 18.5 years
T 19.5 years
s - 12, 10
Bomb 7/12/09
Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09
She moved out 10/1/09 - present

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