Good to hear you are moving on. Sorry about the financial ruin, but you have the ability to rebuild.
It sounds like you dont need to be too concerned about the OM much as he is a spineless worm that can be controlled by your STBXW. It sucks that your D13 despises him. That in itself does not sound like a good way to start a trip.
If your W is not telling you about OM going on the trip, then that is just another thing she is being sneaky about. Let her continue to be sneaky as it is not worth pointing out to her. I think as long as you can be friendly with your STBXW then it will allow for the two of you to move on through the divorce with minimal pain.
It sounds like you dont need to be too concerned about the OM much as he is a spineless worm that can be controlled by your STBXW. It sucks that your D13 despises him. That in itself does not sound like a good way to start a trip.
If your W is not telling you about OM going on the trip, then that is just another thing she is being sneaky about. Let her continue to be sneaky as it is not worth pointing out to her. I think as long as you can be friendly with your STBXW then it will allow for the two of you to move on through the divorce with minimal pain.
Yeah, She's been with him almost a year and the kids are used to putting up with him. D13 is the one who has to deal with him the most and she just ignores him when he's around. D18 just doesn't go to her moms place very often, and when she does OM isn't there.
I don't think she is being 'sneaky'. For some reason she won't tell me directly she is doing things with him. Yet she told me months ago I needed to 'get used to her having a boyfriend'. Is that weird or what? She hasn't 'introduced' him to any family members. Her mom will be the first, and is the only one who supports her decisions to leave me because she did a similar thing to her dad 20 years ago.
And of course, she supports her daughter who has suffered so much being with me because of my depression and drinking issues. It's funny how everyone forgets the good parts. Oh well.
It has been a difficult few days. STBX, OM and D13 are off on a 10 day 'vacation' in Oregon. They are camping and working their way to Seattle to visit STBX mom. Her mom doesn't seem to have a problem with her daughters 'boyfriend' while we are still married. After all, I didn't take good care of her daughter and she is entitled to be 'happy'.
D13 really doesn't like OM. So this is kind of bad for her having to be stuck in the car with them with no escape. Whenever I text her she has nothing positive to say.
As for me, it hurts to think that there will be no family vacations. I could sure use one.
It's so weird to think that there is nobody I know who has anything positive to say about OM, other than he's 'harmless' and will do whatever STBX says. Both of them seem to have the same maturity level.
I don't know what hope I've been hanging on to. This trip is the wake up I need to tell me it's over. STBX wants us to be friends and sometimes when I see her she gives me that smile that she used to give. That's the thing that puts me off guard.
I'm sure inside she still loves me in some way. This just hurts and I've stayed still for too long. There is no hope anymore. Time to really move on.
...there is nobody I know who has anything positive to say about OM, other than he's 'harmless' and will do whatever STBX says. Both of them seem to have the same maturity level.
Frank I feel as if you're reading my life story.
My X's OM (now husband) is described as a "jerk" or "jackass".
He often waits on her hand and foot (I've witnessed it) and even irons things for her.
Yep, they are both very juvenile.
DO NOT LET ANY OF THAT FOOL YOU. IF THE SAME AS MY X'S SITCH SHE WILL MARRY HIM.
He ain't harmless.
Last edited by sleeper; 08/03/0902:50 AM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
My X's OM (now husband) is described as a "jerk" or "jackass".
He often waits on her hand and foot (I've witnessed it) and even irons things for her.
Yep, they are both very juvenile.
DO NOT LET ANY OF THAT FOOL YOU. IF THE SAME AS MY X'S SITCH SHE WILL MARRY HIM.
He ain't harmless.
I feel for you, been following your thread.
He's what I call a 'man-boy'. Kind of one step from 'gay'.
By 'harmless' I mean he's safe around my kid.
As far as her getting married, why bother? She can have what she wants without marriage. OM doesn't have much money or much of a job. Soooo, she doesn't get any improvement to her lifestyle.
The reality is that obsessing over her, being her 'friend' is BS. Being a real man and setting boundaries is the right solution. She can have her dork man. He will never be me.
So, after a lot of thinking and realizing that by not responding to any of her 'do it yourself' divorce requests I'm just trying to control her. That's stupid.
She isn't asking for anything beyond not being responsible for our back taxes and back mortgage. I keep the house (if I can) and all the contents. She just want's some of the kitchen appliance that I wouldn't use anyway.
No alimony, $200 child support for D13, Pay monthly health care for kids and her. I'd end up paying the taxes and such anyway since she barely makes ends meet.
Pretty good deal given the circumstances.
So I called her and asked her to give me a list of paperwork I need to submit so we can get them filed by end of August.
She seemed surprised, and said "So you're ready to get this done?" and I just said sure, just find out what we need to do.
She said she'd call our documentation person and find out. I told her I wanted to close the joint checking account and just write her a check each month. She said that was ok.
Then I said she should come by tonight or tomorrow while D18 and D13 are out of town and take the things she wants. She wanted to come tonight around 7:30 or so and I said that wold be fine, I won't be here anyway. Take what she wants. I've already left some boxes in the living room.
She wanted to leave a list and I told her not to bother.
Regarding her trip, I spoke to her Brother who lives near her mom. He said that OM was a spineless person who had no opinions on anything, and when he did talk he mumbled a lot. He did whatever she told him to do. Said STBX 'hung all over him like a teenager' and told her mom many times how happy she is now.
We'll see. Regardless I'm done. She's been with OM for a year. Time to get this done.
I don't know much, but I think I know this much at least.
It's damned difficult to take a boat out to sea while you're still tethered to the dock.
And I like the analogy because this is NOT about admitting defeat, anymore than it is admitting defeat to untie your boat from the dock. It's all about giving yourself the ability to get out and explore, to be free to see what wonderful things are still in store for you.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure your wife is still as messed up in her overall thinking as before. But, for now at least, she's still happy to be living in her alternate reality. I don't know what the future holds in store for her and I'm not interested in predicting, except to say that in 47 years of life I don't see any precedence for her current path being one that leads to eternal bliss. In the end I think you know she has to travel this road and see where it leads all on her own.
Those of us who have gotten to know you a little bit thru this site know that you're a man rich in gifts and who has learned lots of useful and valuable lessons in all you've been thru. It's time to allow yourself to bear the fruit from those lessons and enjoy being Frank again.
I think the decisions you've expressed in that post are great ones. And they will most definitely help you to untie your boat from the dock.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Your response is right on target. That's exactly why I'm doing this. Been too busy not letting go to learn what's good for ME.
Another note: She called me yesterday to tell me she had 'lost' her cell phone. Then said it had probably been run over by a car. I asked her 'which is it?'. She was flustered about it.
Anyway, I kept our previous phones and I still had mine that was about a year old. I offered her it and she was then able to get it activated and was extremely happy and grateful.
Came home tonight and was kind of surprised that she hadn't taken very much. No kitchen appliances that were kind of 'hers'. Just the rest of the clothes from her closet, some xmas decorations and some cd's. A couple knick knacks.
She texted me later to let me know she hadn't gotten to the Kitchen stuff.
