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Sanderika, I'm not sure ow has anything to do with it. I think H is very much in control in the ow situation but she is still around because she is an employee, it's convenient and she's obviously not too demanding. It's like the kids are taking over her place with him.

However, I think you're right, he's torn. He's torn because he still has feelings for me but we have been separated at his initiation for two years and his pride is standing in the way here. Not only that, he's been hurt before and he can't afford to let that happen again. So in his mind, he determines that he needs to push things through.

H has been on a long quest for personal happiness; buying expensive toys, expensive outings, holidays and overseas trips, having ow, leaving Cas and the kids and ignoring them, stop working, start new study, selling our business, buying a new house.... all things to make him happy and financial separation is the next attempt at sorting everything for his happiness.

There's been phases along the way gradually building to the one we are in. H is spending more and more time with his kids. He's communicating more fully with me and eventhough he's trying to separate from me financially he's not having the usual temper tantrum to get his own way. However, he wants me to initiate and I don't know why this is so important to him. I am in a no win then. He's much more financially literate than me. I have a solicitor. He has her details. He just threatens to proceed via her but does nothing. Of course, eventually he will. And he thinks this will make him happy.

We had a few texts last night and again they were friendly. I'm not changing anything. I do like what you said about the financial stuff causing arguments. It is an elephant sitting in the room for us. It has to be resolved. it is the way forward. It's just not me proposing it!

I have decided to press for the solicitor but to reamin friendly and upbeat and show him I am not fazed by this new stage.

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You sound content with your decision Cas - it would seem appropriate for you and that in itself will serve you well.

I so feel for you right now. I fear that I have the same to come in the future.

Please continue to take care of yourself. You have done so much to regain control of your life and your dignity comes across in every word and thought .... you deserve happiness, in whichever place you can find it.

My thoughts are with you.


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Cas,

For your H, by you pushing forward with a proposal it places the blame on you and removes the guilt from H.

Remember part of a MLC is to place blame on everyone else, deserving or not, which in turn gives the MLC'r a false sense of being right and justified in their decision. The MLC'r lives with enormous guilt which I believe prevents a lot of them from filing and thus reaching the ultimate end of the relationship/marriage.

If we take on the burden for them they can continue to blame us for the demise of the relationship which eliminates their guilt.

The MLC'r is constantly looking for a way out, a scapegoat. A MLC'r wants everyone to think he is the greatest guy in the world. He lives a delusional lifestyle in which the real world sees right through.

I still say if H wants it, force him to do all the work without your help. Use your solicitor only to protect your financial future and rights.

This is hard Cas, I know. We have a D pending in our courts. I do think for some of us the longer the separation continues the harder it is for a reconciliation. We have both said it. They are just not the same guys anymore.

I am ready to end mine, I gain more peace everyday with the choice. It will be ok. You and I will be ok.

Our H's are too wishy-washy with attention. I am starting to read the actions and throw out the words. It's called acceptance. It's been a long time coming. It's time.....

I hate to throw in the towel, I am stubborn and I fight for what I believe to be right. However, in this time and place I think it's probably time to drop the rope for once and for all.

(((((Cas))))) I'm right here riding in the same boat with you. I understand......is what I am saying.

Please take care, my friend.....

Sanderika


ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11
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Nell and Sanderika, as always thanks.

H was at work today so once again ow drew the short straw. He had text me last night and said he was going to have a really busy day getting ready for the exam this week.

At work this morning H had a fall and hurt his leg. S had to take him crutches and as his exam has a long practical component it has to be potponed. I text him to ask what had happened and he gave details and told me about his test being postponed. Then the text convo went like this;

Cas: Get treatment, don't let it go!
H: Seeing dr at 10 2moro
Cas: ok. as a 1st aider I say rest, ice, compression, elevation
H: thanks
Cas:God I'm bossy! No texting back to agree wink
H: Yes dear
Cas: At least you've learnt something after so many years! I love subservient males!
H: LOL
Cas: Take it easy. Talk later
H: ok

We wouldn't have had that convo a year ago and especially after a finance discussion. Interesting!

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Interesting indeed. So, what do you make of that, Cas??

I take it that your H hasn't done too much damage but just enough to bruise his pride? Mind you, having to postpone his practical exam says that it wasn't quite nothing, either. Is this an opportunity for Cas to go play Nursey??!! wink laugh


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
Eskimo Nell #1861738 10/25/09 06:40 AM
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Hi again Nell. It's interesting isn't it?

I have just read your posts and I am thinking again that I have had more positive contact and interactions with H since I gave up the R talk, detached and presented as a more happy, upbeat and contented person.

I won't play nursey but I will be observing from the sidelines. I have never been invited to his place so I won't go there until I'm invited. It seems H is having to learn to trust that I won't pressure him or get annoyed when he rejects my invitations.

I think Sanderika is right. He is trying not to feel guilty so he is trying to get me to initiate proceedings but I won't. Perhaps he wants me to make the decisions for him. Time will tell......

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Good to hear Cas.

For what it's worth, when I told my H yesterday that I would not wait any longer if this is what he wants, I would go back to the UK and file, he went in to defence mode and said that I would have to get a second opinion on what I believed to be true as he said that he had checked and I would have to be home for a year before I could file. My sister has phoned a solicitor on my behalf and they definitely said a week is all that is required for me to be back in the country, but I have to be there. Of course, I don't want to file and I won't. It's good to see that H reacted that way and when I said to him "well, it's what you want isn't it?" he just said "long term, yes". I feel that lifts some pressure off me for a while.

Is this what your H is doing?? Playing for time and making you the fall guy?? I think that it is. I think that it is their little game. I feel that they carry enough guilt for breaking up the family and now it's our turn - they've been the bad cop and so now it's your turn, whichever way they can get us to shake it up and change the uniforms around.

Like you, I've never been to my H's place - don't even know where it is. I asked him about that yesterday and he said that he hadn't told me as I have previously threatened to go to his work to stir things and he wouldn't put it past me doing the same at his home. He also doesn't want me dropping off more of his stuff there ... I wouldn't go to H's unannounced either - I'm afraid of what I might see. My furniture with tramps clothes inside it - my photo frames with the bitch's face staring back out at me. *shudder*

For you, I know that's different - your H is not far from you and I guess that you know his address. Surely, the trust is that even with that knowledge, you haven't rocked up at all. Why do you think that he doesn't trust you?


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09
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Originally Posted By: Eskimo Nell
I wouldn't go to H's unannounced either - I'm afraid of what I might see. My furniture with tramps clothes inside it - my photo frames with the bitch's face staring back out at me. *shudder*


LOL..... I can so relate to that!! However, my kids tell me there is very little evidence of her there.....at leastin sight; a photo glamour shot that she gave him last year for his b'day(not glamorous-just tacky) and a toothbrush. That's it.

Nell, interesting reaction from H re filing in the UK. His response 'long term' is also interesting. Why not in the short term?

I know where H's place is. He very excitedly shared all the photos of it with me when he bought the place but that's it.

The trust issue is just that H feels he has been hurt by me in the past and was unhappy. He is scared to trust me cos it'll just happen again.

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Hi Cas,

I see that txt with H as very good.

One thing that is obvious to us is that our H's have come a long way in the manner in which they speak to us and the information they disclose. They actually have changed a lot. They aren't as distant. They are becoming forgiving with us.

He likes to be made of by you.

You have said it all in your closing line......

"The trust issue is just that H feels he has been hurt by me in the past and was unhappy. He is scared to trust me cos it'll just happen again"

All of our H's are feeling and believing the same. That is why it takes sooooooo long to change their opinions of us. It is truly very difficult. They check out of the marriage long before they leave and we have to add that time on. For most of us we don't know when that happened because we were wearing blinders to the problems.

Continue to treat him well. Especially during his days of recuperating. A thought I had, is to make him a casserole or a favorite meal and send it with one of the kids. A get well, ease his burden gesture.....no strings attached. You would do it for a friend, right? It will serve H to show you are caring and concerning and that is one thing we know they require lots of......

I dunno....it's an idea. I have done it a few times with H and the results were thankful. Thankful goes a long way, he's apt to be accepting. Then again.....it's a shot in the dark.

Take care (((((Cas))))), I hope you have a good week.

Sanderika



ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11
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Text H to see how he went with doc today. An excerpt:

Cas: How did you get on at doctor?
H: Hi. Fine thanks. rest and elevate leg (as I had suggested y'day) Much better today
Cas: I may be bossy but my advice is pretty bloody good if I say so myself!
H: yep
Cas: H be careful, that's twice in 2 days you've agreed with me
H: yes dear
Cas: Well, wait until u hear all my other pearls of wisdom!!
Then after 10 mins or so
Cas: No reply. Does that mean u don't want to hear my wisdom? frown sob
H: LOL. R u picking up D?
Cas: Yes
H: Can you please call in on way through to sign some papers?
Cas: sure

So, plans changed and D was ready early so I got her first and dropped in on the way back. Keep in mind I've never been there before so I came inside and he ushered me in to the kitchen. He asked if I was ok. I said yes and he commented that I looked very pale (I had noticed that myself earlier) I said that I had some problems with my neck which I've had two weeks now and have seen the physio about. We chatted about that and he suggested a chiro. Then he gave me some pages from a magazine about one of my favourtie holiday destinations and a recipe from there that I like to cook.

Then there was a tour of the house.......every room and the garden, too. We chatted a bit longer and then we left. As we drove off D said she thought H wanted us to stay longer.

Now, especially for Nell.... the only evidence of ow was her portrait on a small wall in the bedroom, no clothes in the walk in robe, no items on counters, no photos of her or the two of them but a few of the kids.

On display was a b'day card from his parents. The card from ow was in an envelope on the bench (D told me this info)

When we left it was after 7.00pm so D and I went to Noodle Box for dinner. D rang H and asked him if he'd like us to get some dinner for him. He did so we called back with it. I sent D in as I didn't want to overdo it. H has just sent me a text to say thanks.

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