Nell seems to have made all the good point, just out of interest did he reply to the birthday request after or before the meeting. If before then maybe its an honest answer who knows, and if after possibly a retort to you not playing ball!
Id definitely go with the "I understand but Im not helping you routine" its the one Ive stuck with all along, let H know quite clearly that he can do what he chooses to do but I still want to work at our M!
Huge hugs as even if its not a pullback/stepback Im sure it hurts even more so as he has theorectically turned the children down, how old are the kids Cas old enough to tell him he's being a miserable ratbag not coming to dinner with them, my S certainly would although hes really a grown up at twenty one, even though he made me giggle the other day when I heard him tell his dad he'd talk to him when he managed to find his good manners again lol!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Not wanting to do the birthday, yes a lot depends on whether his reply was before or after your finance meeting, Lost Rabbits observations are correct. However whatever the truth, he’s said he doesn’t want a fuss, give him what he wants and don’t make one – a simple card sent to his home should be enough. He may decide that he wants to organize something with the kids on his own, that’s fine, just wish them a happy time, it’s not up to you to suggest it though.
As for the finances, surely what you should be considering is not what he wants but what is best for you? Think about that first, you need to protect yourself and the kids financially. Contact your solicitor and find out where you stand (if you haven’t already). If you decide to go the solicitor route then pass on their details to your H again, his solicitor can then deal with yours (costly though). Reiterate once again to your H that this is not your choice and whilst you don’t agree you will not stand in his way.
My initial reaction was that he was basically saying no to the kids (probably he hasn't really thought that through). My thoughts are that you should put it back on him and say ok you will leave it to him to arrange his birthday with the kids. On the other hand you could just leave it I guess. Dust yourself off and try again.
With the finances, are they personal or business related? To me his actions show confusion - he doesn't know what to do, in any case you cannot rely on him to act in your best interests. What do you want here? What is best for you? I would proceed along those lines. Michelle always says to guard your finances; you will see this all over the MLC and other forums on this board. Regardless of your h you need to protect you and your children's financial future. Make the right decision for you.
If you don't want to put together a proposal I would just contact him and say having thought about things your prefered option would still be for the two of you to sit down and work out something together however if he prefered to do things through solicitors then here are your solicitors details and you look forward to the matter being resolved over the next few weeks.
Nell, Rabbit, Bonny and Julia....thanks so much for your feedback. I went out tonight and it was a wonderful surprise to read your opinions when I got back.
First off, about a year ago we went out for a family dinner and had a lovely night together. We walked out to the car and then H started talking about financial settlement totally out of the blue. I told the db coach and she said that she felt he panicked cos he was getting too close and it was his way of saying we've had a nice time but it doesn't change anything. She suggested that in response I should say that I would not stand in the way of settlement but I would not initiate it. I have used that same line all the way through. My solicitor agreed. She said to let him have the expense of setting up the first appointment/proposal.
A few weeks ago when we had NC H emailed and asked for my solicitor's details, stating that he wanted to get things sorted. I emailed with the details and left it at that. There's been no further mention until today. Now he expects me to put forward a proposal and I guess he is saying if I don't he will go through a solicitor. I don't understand why we can't sit and discuss it all to reach a fair compromise. His arguments against that include that other financial deals are not settled in this way, they are sorted in writing. I said, yeah but you haven't known these people for 25 years either. He maintains that he has done all the work in putting forward proposals before which is true(but not for over a year and our financial position has changed). However, on each occasion he refused to negotiate. In my mind they were therefore dummy proposals.
So this morning all was going well until the end and now he's trying to force me to do something with which I am very uncomfortable. H is brilliant at the financial side of things and this is not my area. I feel at a distinct disadvantage.
I am thinking that I will tell him to go through the solicitor. I honestly don't think that this is a preferred course of action for him as he really doesn't like paying for solicitors unnecessarily.
His email refusing the dinner was sent at 9.08am. I had left the coffee shop at about 8.40am. He said he had to work and study...he has a major exam next week and he usually works Sundays. He usually spends sat night with ow. In the meantime he is having D for lunch on Sat, his birthday. The refusal was polite and he thanked for the invitation.
I text him late this afternoon re D as I had more info about the situation we discussed this morn. He replied in the same positive manner as before so he is not in non speaking mode as he would normally be.
I feel quite hurt by his actions and I know I shouldn't be. I feel annoyed that he has been so dificult for so long, doing very little as a parent and the only time I've asked for help is in sorting our finances and he refuses to budge. I've had an extremely busy work week and I know I am very tired. I am trying not to let it get to me. I'm just not sure why he is so insistent that I initiate things. Then , on the flip side I wonder if I am being equally pig headed and if I should just surprise him and get it underway.
I will still send a birthday card to show I haven't got annoyed by his rejection of my invitation. However, I am thinking that resuming NC is the way to go in the meantime. I'll think about this overnight.
H has spent most of the day with the kids for his birthday so it was obviously just me he was saying no to. I sent him a text for his birthday and he replied thanks.
I spoke with my brother about the finances. My bro is pretty direct but has the closest relationship with H of all my family. He said it was definitely up to H to initiate proceedings and that i should use the solicitor to ensure I get the best financial outcome.
Dont get too down, ok he might not have wanted to spend his birthday with you YET! but on the bright side he spent it with the kids, so even though initally he said no he put some thought into that the kids wanted to see him!
Also he didnt turn into Teddy Throwing Boy as Nell and I fondly refer to our H's he continued to keep it civil and pleasant.
As for the finances if you have put forward proposals twice which he hasnt actioned whats the betting he's just throwing a spanner in again, and solicitor is his bluff, I agree with your brother make him do it through the solicitor, (why should you put energy into it again) he might be a good man under neath his MLC/A/OW but he has other people pulling his chain that you need to protect yourself and the kids from, a good solicitor will make sure you are probably covered for all eventualities.
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 10/24/0909:28 AM.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I forgot to say that H's email to me last night also said have an enjoyable night (The kids had told him we were going to my brother's 40th)
Today I spent the day with my brother, his wife and kids. They are so gorgeous. It was fun and it distracted me from H's birthday.
My kids came home after going out to lunch with H and then spending the day together and finally having pizza for dinner. They said H was now about to study and it was after 8pm when they returned. So where is OW on H's birthday? Maybe they have something on tomorrow?
I have thought about the financial stuff and I will wait for at least 48 hours before I respond. I think I will keep communicating with him as before and see what eventuates.
As you say Rabbit at least he has kept communications positive and hasn't spat the dummy. I have to acknowledge that because it is a first.
My thoughts would be....not to initiate your proposal in writing, go to the solicitor instead. In my sitch everytime H has tried to engage me direct without legal representation I have refused. I have retained a lawyer for over a year now. It is expensive, this way I don't deal with H direct about the stuff that is going to cause us to fight. My H knows I will not go against him alone.
As far as your H......I think he is being pushed by someone to end the marriage. I don't see your H as really wanting a D just like mine. I see the OW as still being in the picture and the driver of the car. When OW pushes, H resists until he can't take it any longer and then he contacts you. This way he has pacified her and albeit hurtful to you he has done something. My H once said "right or wrong, I did something" in reference to filing for a D against me a year ago. Look at me, we are still not pursueing a D and we chat and have maintained contact, enjoyable contact, behind her back. Status quo......it's been like this for a while. I know it can't continue forever, what it has done though is strengthen our friendship.
I would do nothing. I would hire a solicitor and then do nothing. If he wants it, let him do the work.....maintain that. After that you can wait and see, the true answers will reveal themselves over time.
Cas, don't stop your DB for a second. If you feel comfortable with sending H a happy b-d text or card or call.....do it. A friend would. You be his friend.
Your H is a torn man.....His nice demeanor to you tells you lots. He wants to be nice and see you and talk to you, he feels he can't. It's a MLC life in the fog. He is getting pressure from the other side. The pressure is tormenting him. He can't escape it, he has to do something.......
Go back to NC, be upbeat and friendly when he initiates. Don't ignore any of his initiating, be there when he reaches out.
I go back in thought to the day he showed up with the envelope. I have to wonder what was on his mind. I still think perhaps he was having a spell where he was checking in and testing the waters. Unfortunately for us the tug of the OW is very strong. Again, he is a torn man. He is not near the end of the MLC.
Cas, I will check back later.....I have to run out for an errand with son. (((((Hugs))))) to you.....Don't give up yet.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
