I did try no-contact before when I was talking to db coach and the same thing happened-he stayed right away. She told me to abandon the idea as limited contact on his terms was better than nc. I expressed my annoyance at his cake eating but she wasn't overly concerned (but it's not her living this!! She told me to act as if ow didn't exist. Guess this is what Dia has been doing. I could reinitiate contact and put no pressure on cos I think it's my pressure that causes us problems. Dia has been a fine example of moving forward slowly but surely with no pressure on her H.
The funny thing is that a friend of mine went to a meeting the other day and was asked if H and I were back together. I laughed as here we are in the longest nc period ever! Apparently somebody had seen us together last month and presumed a reconciliation.
You can honestly only wonder why someone would choose the path of a lonely life such as your H. That is exactly what my H was wanting at the beginning and it something I just can't understand
As long as you are okay within yourself then keep going as you are and review when you feel ready.
We had a hot day yesterday with severe winds, today, no wind but it is raining, not cold though, almost a bit of a tropical feel.
Enjoy your retail therapy, D & I are looking forward to ours.
I think the coach is probably right and if you look at Dia she is a fine example of how treating the OW as non existent can work. The cake eating is a big problem but I guess it is the same thing if you can ignore it and focus on positive things it can work to our advantage.
Dia is inspiring and I admire her in how she handles each and every situation thrown at her.
Hi Cas Glad that I dropped by this morning and read of your coach's advice re no contact. I think that it's time for me to review my sitch and I may well try to go down the same line.
Keep going Cas!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
More time Cas - how so? As in n/c or minimal and only when he initiates? Sorry, just grasping at straws ... which I know that I should not be doing! I just feel a bit desperate right now, which I also know you will have picked up on.
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 09/13/0905:15 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
So I asked Dia for her advice now and I am interested in your feedback as well. A brief summary..... H has ow who is an employee. H occasionally works in the business although was f/time at the commencement of the A. He doesn't live with ow and what I can establish is that he visits/stays over once or twice a week, usually coinciding with his visits to work.
H appears to be very much in selfish mode.
H has always maintained that he wants to be friends. We have maintained open communication with regards to the kids. He has shown lots of positive actions towards me-fixed things around the house, did my tax, drop in visits, family dinners, dinner with me after S's formal, visits to me in hospital, drive us to the airport etc etc. Unfortunately, these acts of service also come with major pull backs and large doses of cake eating along the way.
My problem is that I am impatient and I can keep at it for so long and then I pressure him and he retreats monumentally. Slow learner!
The advice of many has been to have nc and I can see the merit in this and have had nc for 3 weeks. That's fine and I feel better for the space. However, I'm not feeling I am making any progress. Perhaps I am; however, H is particularly stubborn and in reality I cannot see him initiating contact.
So, in reading Dia's progress while I applaud each time there's a step forward in her relationship I also recognise it's been from her thoughtful and considered approach. Her H has simply responded along the way (and great responses, too!!)
So I wonder about your opinion; do I reinitiate contact (I'm sure this will be easy enough), this time being much more patient and give it one last shot or do I maintain the nc? I know that if I reinitiate contact I am going against the Gucci type advice and not forcing him to make a choice but I am also aware that if I take your tact eventually he's going to have to make a choice anyway.
In addition, if I re-establish contact I do plan on setting some boundaries. This will show that I am not a doormat.
This is a hard one for me to help with as I haven't had to do the nc step. I think though if you do reinitiate contact, you are going to have to do it very slowly and learn to be patient, because if you have a tendency to become impatient it could backfire on you.
You would definitely need to set some boundaries though.
