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Hey Cas,
It must have 'cost' you so much emotionally to send that text so well done, you!

Perhaps you should go along to the dinner afterall but H's parents surely do not have to be 'gone', as you put it? They are still the kids grandparents and whilst the relationship may be different for you all from now on, you all still have the same objectives in common. They know your situation better than most and the love you share is not going to disappear. I would play it by ear and take your cues as to how it is going ... Good luck!


WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

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Hi Cas

What have you decided to do. If there won't be any OW at the dinner I think I would go and show your H the wonderful Cas that you are that he is missing out on.

It would be a shame to miss out on seeing your in-laws.

Oz



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Nell, I don't think I was clear enough in my post....when I said my inlaws would be gone, I simply meant they would have gone home by Wed and then I would have no reason to be in touch with H. This would then provide the ideal background for me to pull back a little and leave H to make the contact, if any. My inlaws are the best, my children idolise them and my love for them will mean that they will always be such an important part of my life.

Oz, I am going to dinner. MIL travelled with me to the surgeon today so we talked a lot and she and FIL are happy for me to join the family and are not concerned at all. I will be there, doing my best to shine but my goal is to join in happily without trying to draw H into the conversation...I always enable him in this way and tomorrow I am responsible for me only.

The surgeon's visit went well and all my bandages are off now! I'm back to work next week smile I need to have more surgery later in the year and I'm booked in and ready to go! Yay

Cas

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Hi Cas

Glad the doc's went OK.

I think the text was a great shout, DB often says to do something surprising.

Go ahead with the meal, it will look churlish if you don't, remember to look your best, be calm, happy, someone that your H will want to spend time with. 


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Hi Cas

Just reading along and thinking.

My instinct is to suggest having the dinner at yours. I just feel that shakes it up a little. That way it is different to ow and her fake dinner at h's parents and also a little bit on your terms.

As it is h's birthday, could the kids make dinner?
Just an idea?

I support your idea of darkness for the moment. He needs to start making more of an effort in your relationship.


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Interesting............ I forgot to say that i got a text from H today when I was out. He said that he had put mail in my letter box. That means he made a special trip to deliver the letters. Wondering why he didn't just give them to me tomorrow night. I just replied thanks.

I'm feeling more confident that a little retreating is the way to go. I will be polite and friendly but no initiating.

Thanks Bonny. I'll be there and I'll be calm, happy and upbeat. It will be an enjoyable night.

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Hi Cas,

First I am happy for you the surgeon says you are mending nicely and took the bandages off. Yeah!!!

I also want to say, I think H wanted to see you thus the reason for delivering the letters in person. I wish you had been home to discover the reason. I am curious now.

I am glad you had the opportunity to have a one on one with MIL.
I am glad you are still close. That helps the DB efforts. It is a huge positive to H that you still care to have a relationship with his folks. My H is always glad to hear of me spending time with his Dad.

I wish you a wonderful evening with your family at the dinner.

I am confident that you will be "spot on" in behavior and appearance. Anxious to see how it goes for all of you.

I think you are making a wise choice and am happy you gave it a great deal of thought, you went with your gut instinct. This usually does not fail us....

I will check back in tomorrow or the next day. Things here are not going all that well. I am going to go dark here and see what happens. I tried to mix in a little initiated friendship by me and it has backfired to the point I am hurt. H is also doing some things I am not sure I can live with. I am not positive he is up to something new, gut is telling me he is. I have begun posting again on my thread. I find it funny that I could not post the positives but I somehow manage to post the crap.

Good luck at the dinner,

Sanderika


ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
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Hi Cas

I am glad your trip to the surgeon went well and that you will be able to go back to work soon, but do take it easy and don't push yourself to hard.

I hope the dinner goes well and I am positive you will shine brightly and your H will notice.

Will look forward to the updates on dinner and how things went.

Oz



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Sanderika I read about your situation last night but I waited until this morning to post a reply. I think we are in a similar place. Anyway have a read on your thread and I'll keep in touch. We can help each other out here!

Over to me....I post this because my ramblings maybe of some help to you anyway. Some of my thoughts about my sitch
-H loves his kids
-H loves his parents and siblings
-H loves my family and has made efforts to restroe relationships with 2 of my brothers
-H loves and cares for me
-H doesn't want to be with me in a relationship but he doesn't want me out of his life either.............. CAKE EATING
-H made a huge mistake getting involved with OW but he is proud and can't back out now. He cares for her but he knows she's not really 'the one.' I suspect she lives on the crumbs too.
-H enjoys my company and loves the whole family being together
-After positive interactions he has to pull back because he is scared I will pressure for more which he can't give
-When pushed he becomes irrational and then we are back to square 1, so then we have to rebuild the relationship again. That gives him time and space and he is happy again (until the next time)
-H is incredibly self centred and has excuses for everything (mostly too busy)
-Ow is a trade down and I know there would be aspects of his relationship with her and her kids H would find difficult (grooming issues etc as H is meticulous in dress and grooming)
-H blames me for absolutely everything
-H says he doesn't want to be friends/wants a divorce etc etc when annoyed but shortly after will attempt to reiterate that we are friends or 'we'll see where this goes in the long term'....never really letting go and never committing beyond today

I have reflected on me and I think I naturally pursue by my very nature...I am a fix it and I enable him. I deserve more than the crumbs. I love him and he knows that and that is why he really doesn't have to make any decisions or to make any serious attempts to be a friend. He knows I am a good person. He shows he cares but it's all carefully veiled (eg hospital visits to bring the kids who can travel with their grandparents)He has to reach a place where he makes a choice. For starters we can be friends but he has to show by his actions that he is friendship material.

Enough rambling from me!!!

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Thanks Oz....On the work front, I can sit at my desk a fair bit so that will help. You'll notice a huge down turn in my db posts next week! My overall recovery time is 12 weeks so I am a quarter of the way there! Gotta go massage those scars ..............

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