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Originally Posted By: graceallday
that is a curious question.....till death do u part.....let no man "put us under" come between us? ..how many times do u say that and which one matters??? the last time or the first time?


Sleeper, wasn't your XW married before she met you?

By the way, I do agree that you should not be 'messing' with OMH. What possible good can come of it? Plus you continue to let XW 'cake eat'. It's time to move on from that so she can live the life she has chosen.


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Perfect symmetry when history repeats itself.

As the OM was to your marriage, so too are you to his. Common denominator: Your X-wife, his current wife.

(Almost) everyone here would have a hard time not wanting the OM/OW to suffer the same sorrow clenched sour throat, roiling stomach, dried out tear ducts and mewling sounds coming from the mouth of the bewildered LBS…especially if the former LBS could be the author and instrument of such pain.

You’re better than that. I take pleasure in knowing that my former OM’s life is pathetic. I am not that big not too. I’m smart enough to know I couldn’t be a part of that, but wise enough to know that particular POS would devolve down his path without any help from me or mine.

You’re X wife, is broken, a woman who thinks her self worth come from the attention of people who should know better than to give her attention. Perhaps a thrill of being important enough that others ignore social norms and standards.

Do what you will Sleeper.

But until she fixes herself, she will be the reason for her repeating pattern.

You take her back broken…and so will you.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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hey sleeper i know on the vows the correct version isnt let no man ( one ) put us under but rather assunder i just like to be dramatic sometimes.... and marriage vows get me going a little....

and yeah i am not a die hard no possible reason for divorce i know its not good and its true I have really strong beleifs against it..but I dont think there is never a case that it shouldnt be considered.......its just the MLC divorce is so pointless....and all i see is destruction and regret in most cases...so sad...

anyway hang in there keep up posted.....

what happened to u in church????

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I have tried mightly, albeit some may say failed, to move on and "get a life".

I have not attended church regularly for some time although once I was very active in church and a member of the music ministry. X told me a couple of days ago she mentioned to someone I was a professional musician at one time. I never thought of myself as one as that was not my primary source of income but I was paid when I performed outside of church.

Church has been/is a painful place for me because of what happened to my DD and the response or lack thereof by those in the church we attended as a family and in which I served. (Long story) We stopped attending church regularly after that and when we did attend it was for the kids. There was one particular church we attended fairly regularly toward the end but we never joined. I haven't touched my instrument since I put it down almost six years ago. I still own three which have remained in their cases to this day.

So Sunday I'm sitting in church with Ladyfriend at her invitation and behest. The sermon, by coincidence, was on the effects of divorce and single parenthood upon children. Can you dig it? That, ironically, is not what had such a great affect on me. As I sat there with ladyfriend I could not help but feel that is not where I am supposed to be. It was all wrong. This feeling had nothing to do with the sermon. It was surreal and very uncomfortable as I watched the orchestra play and listened to the music. I sang along with the congregation at one point even though I didn't see myself doing that when I agreed to go and thought I would be silent.

I experienced an overwhelming feeling that I should have been sitting beside the mother of my children, my wife, not Ladyfriend. This was such a strong emotion I am thinking of breaking it off with Ladyfriend. It's just not right, it's not where I'm supposed to be. It's not where my heart is.

So if I am to be true to myself I will be alone.

Funny thing happened tonight........

I let X have DD for a while to do girl stuff with DD while did guy stuff with DS. When I met X to get DD back as it is my week the topic of church came up in conversation. She said she would keep kids this Sat night and they could go to church with her if I wanted. She asked if I was going to church and I told her where I attended this past weekend. She also visited there at one time. She then asked why I stopped attending the church we attended sporatically as a family just before we split. I answered, "It just wasn't the same without you and the kids there."

She nodded.

Last edited by sleeper; 09/01/09 03:17 AM.

"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
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thanks for sharing that....yes interesting.....

i guess i didnt really understand the impact of what occurred with your DD....I think that may have been more significant for both of u than i relaized.....than maybe even u have realized maybe, maybe not

interesting about the church experience.....follow how you think God is leading.....or you could follow your will....which i think is what your wife did...her will....

this whole thing is a journey

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Sleeper,
You are still so very intertwined w/her.

Have you discussed GAL w/C?

You deserve to be happy, and if X is married, you need to consider how you can be happiest without her.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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Sleeper
I read your last post
If ladyfriend is not right certainly follow your heart
but give it a few days ..not good to act on fleeting emotions
and being alone is fine too
if that is what youn feel is best
as for our souses
I think we all feel we SHOULD be together at church oe events school stuff like other families
BUT
for many of us this will Never be an option again
It isnt your fauly and Jack said it all
Our WAS will repaeat the behavior until some awakening, self insight happens
For my XH I see him going down the road blindly
following urges or childhood scripts with no inner reflection
further down to destruction
Im not sure its the wisest choice to wait for him at this point
You will have to decide for yourself
can you and xw share a connection
while you really move forward?
can you share a conection and stand still waiting hoping believing
the choice is really only yours and if it isnt time to let go then you wont
peace


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Quote:
i guess i didnt really understand the impact of what occurred with your DD....I think that may have been more significant for both of u than i relaized.....than maybe even u have realized maybe, maybe not


I think you're on to something, Grace.

Things were never the same between us after that happened to DD. Makes sense now, how could they be? X was sexually abused as a child and even once told me she wasn't sure if her father raped her or not when she was a child. I believe he did, I also believe she knows and couldn't verbalize it to me.

One of two counselors we saw together after DD was raped asked me in private session did I realize I was the EXACT AGE at that time that X's father was when he abused X.

Looking back we didn't stand a chance.

Nine months post-bomb, eight months post-separation and several months into X and OM's relationship, X asked me in a very emotional manner, "What happened to us Sleeper?" "__________ (pedophile rapist) happened to us, X" I responded.

For some reason this week I have read, heard and seen the message, "Don't give up", Never quit", "Never give in" several times. Once in a movie, once on a poster, and I forgot where I recieved it the third time.

I won't repeat how I felt in church.

Nevertheless I'm feeling today like it's a lost cause and I'm nothing short of a fool for hoping otherwise.


"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13
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Originally Posted By: sleeper
Looking back we didn't stand a chance.


The longer this goes on, the more our eyes are opened. We begin to realize how everything fits and most importantly how we had absolutely no control over this. It began way before we entered the picture.


Quote:
Nevertheless I'm feeling today like it's a lost cause and I'm nothing short of a fool for hoping otherwise.


You're the furthest thing from a fool.


Don't stand still.
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I imagine it's crystal clear to her on some level that you are still, as a previous poster said, "intertwined" with her, above and beyond your role as co-parent. That being so, she will probably continue to use you as a whipping boy as it suits her and as a secondary flirtation device when *that* suits her. Is that healthy for either of you?

If it's really meant to be, it will be whether you detach and move on or not. If she *truly* can sense that you've *really* moved on, in the sense of doing you and letting her do her and you can manage to *stick with it* for awhile ... who knows.

Right now, there's zero incentive for a major shift on her part. She hasn't "lost you", and as long as you continue of your current mind, she won't, and she knows it. Why, then, admit that she made a massive trauma-driven mistake with OM and reverse herself so publicly? You have not provided enough counterweight in the form of authentic detachment to move her in that direction. IMHO.


"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes.
Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
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